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PinkPassion Press Copyright 2004
Welcome to my labor of love. This book took me several
months to create, exclusively for Ebook sites. My husband
said I was wasting my time with creating this book. I beg to
differ. Now that he has seen the finished product he says I
should stay in the Ebook business and make us rich!
I don’t know about getting rich, but It does pay the bills. I
have sold a few rights and plan to sell it to more Ebook sites
in the future.
All the pictures are Copyrighted and may only be distributed
through this Ebook. I pay up my ass for the rights to them so
don’t post them on your website, or give this book away as a
matter of fact.
Each page has one joke and a comic picture. Some pages have
a very short joke and this makes for a page that has very little
text on it. It may not look the best, but I wanted it to be that
way. One joke, one picture, one page.
Well, let’s start with some great laughter and then at the end
is a bonus section called. “A Few Sick Ones For You!”
Love, Lisa A.Shoemaker
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1. Strip Club
2. A Dog Named Sex
3. To My Dearest Wife
4. My Dick Is So Big Quotes
5. Starwars Sex Quotes
6. Pussy And Bitch
7. By The Seaside
8. Bob The Sperm
9. Biting Back
10. Viagra Joke
11. Hour Of Pleasure
12. 80 Year Old Virgin
13. Income Taxes
14. Shopping Expedition
15. Microsoft Programmer
16. The Free Beer
17. Sex Problem
18. To Hell
19. Almost Married
20. Social Security Sex
21. Loud Sex
22. Solo Sex
23. Confounded Sex
24. Wedding Anniversary Sex
25. Woman’s Hour
26. The Blow Job
27. Steak And Sex
28. Shakie Shakie
29. Oral Sex Disaster
30. Making Cake
31. Double Whammy
32. What A Shame
33. GangGrene
34. Too Far In
35. All Stood Up
36. Turner Brown
37. A Foot And A Half
38. The Morning After
39. My Dog Named Sex
40. Revolutionary Inventors
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
31
32
33
34
35
36
37
38
39
40
41
42
43
44
41. Native Temptations
42. Drilling Rights
43. Psychology Major
44. 3 Newlywed Wives
45. Crack Hoe
46. Little Boys Frog
47. How Did It Happen
48. Why Chocolates Better Than Sex
49. Savior Fare
50. Questions And Answers
51. Bobbit’s In The News Again
52. Tiger Resting His Balls
53. Chinese Torture Test
54. Privates
55. Tarzan And Jane
56. Old Man And His Penis
57. Gay Guy And His Tattoo
58. Four Fingers
59. Vaseline
60. Buttons On The Airplane
61. The Cheese Sandwich
62. Three Labradors
63. Low Sperm Count
64. Artificial Insemination
65. Dirty Blind Man
66. Idiot’s Guide To Sex
67. Things Not To Say During Sex
68. Group Of Girl Friends
69. Six Children
70. Hotel Lobby Clerk
71. Doctor And Wife
72. Macho Man
73. Little Old Lady
74. The Smile Test
75. Randy The Rooster
76. The Bell System
77. My Mother
78. Doing The Dishes
79. Premature Ejaculation Problems
80. Ten Thousand Dollars
45
46
47
48
49
50
51
52
53
54
55
56
57
58
59
60
61
62
63
64
65
66
67
68
69
70
71
72
73
74
75
76
77
78
79
80
81
82
83
84
81. How To Sell
82. First Time
83. Two Necrophilliacs
84. The Man And His Doctor
85. Three Whores
86. Michael Jackson
87. Not My Kind Of Date
88. Limericks
89. Expensive Peep Show
90. Smart Ass
85
86
87
88
89
90
91
92
93
94
91. Sweet Revenge
92. The Cannibals
93. Herpes
94. Hypothetical And Realistic
95. Magic Pills
96. Two Fleas
97. Banana Bread
98. Ether
99. Creative Gestures
100.Hong Kong Dong
101.Medium Size
95
96
97
98
99
100
101
102
103
104
105
A Few Sick Ones For You!
106
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A man went to a strip club. When he got
inside he noticed a seat conspicuously
unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the
opportunity, he took the seat.
As soon as the first dancer walked out,
the guy directly behind him yelled, "Yeah
baby! That's what I've been waiting for!"
The man in the front row turned around
and gave him a dirty look. A few minutes
into the show, the dancer did a move and
snatched off her top, revealing two
pasties. The guy behind our friend goes
off again. "Yeah baby! Shake those
things."
Our friend turned around and said, "Hey
buddy, calm down!"
After a few moments, the dancer did
another move, and snatched off her
dress, revealing a very thin G-string.
Again the man behind our friend yelled out, "Oh baby! You're almost there!"
Our friend again turned around and said, "Hey buddy, shut the hell up, will ya!"
A few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and snatched off both the pasties and the
G-string, and the whole club went wild, except for the man behind our friend. Curious, our friend
turned around and asked, "Say buddy, where's your enthusiasm now?"
The guy responded, "It's all over your back, dude."
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Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or
"Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very
embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew
the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for
Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But
she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I
said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was
nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a
strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister
that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to
wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has
played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves
around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my
personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him
everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next
day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is
barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog
with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that
I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for
Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex
keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another
contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the
contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to
have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I
had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me
what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case
comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I
ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked
me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has
left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should
understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
�
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During the past year, I have attempted to
make love to you 365 times. I have
succeeded 36 times, which is an average of
only once every 10 days. The following is a
list of why I didn't succeed more often:
We will wake the kids - 54 times
It's too late - 15 times
I'm too tired - 42 times
It's too early - 12 times
It's too hot - 18 times
Pretending to be asleep - 31 times
The neighbors will hear - 9 times
Headache or backache - 26 times
Sunburn - 10 times
Your mother will hear us - 9 times
Not in the mood - 21 times
Watching the late show - 17 times
Too sore - 26 times
New hairdo - 6 times
Wrong time of the month - 14 times
You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times
Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid
there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up
and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that
I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this,
shall we??
Love, Your Hubby
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My dick is so big, its a tight fit when I'm bangin' your loose
momma!
My dick is so big, there's still snow on it in the
summertime.
My dick is so big, I went to The Viper Room and
My dick got right in. I had to stand and argue with the
doorman.
My dick is so big, I have to call it Mr. Dick in front of
company.
My dick is so big, it won't return Spielberg's calls.
My dick is so big, it graduated a year ahead of me from
high school.
My dick has an elevator and a lobby.
My dick has better credit than I do.
My dick is so big, clowns climb out of it when I cum.
My dick is so big, it was overthrown by a military coup. It's
now known as the Democratic Republic of
My Dick.
My dick is so big, it has casters.
My dick is so big, I'm already fucking a girl tomorrow.
My dick is so big, ships use it to find their way into the
harbor.
My dick is so big, there was once a movie called Godzilla
vs. My Dick.
My dick is so big, it lives next door.
My dick is so big, I entered it in a big-dick contest and it
came in first, second, and third.
My dick is so big, it votes.
My dick is a better dresser than I am.
My dick is so big, it has a three-picture deal.
My dick is so big that the head of it has only seen
My balls in pictures.
My dick is so big, Henry Aaron used it to hit his 750th
home run.
My dick is the Walrus, koo koo ga joob.
No matter where I go, My dick always gets there first.
My dick takes longer lunches than I do.
My dick contributed fifty thousand dollars to the
Democratic National Committee.
My dick was once the ambassador to China.
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'Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you
smell!'
'Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull
out in time?'
'Put that thing away before you get us all killed.'
'You've got something jammed in here real good.'
'Aren't you a little short for a storm-trooper?'
'You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought.'
'Sorry about the mess...'
'Look at the size of that thing!'
'Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!'
'She may not look like much, but she's got it where it
counts, kid.'
'I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me.'
'Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?'
'There's an awful lot of moisture in here.'
'But now we must eat. Come, good food, come...'
'That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a
while.'
'Hurry up, golden-rod...'
'I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all
riled up like that, huh kid?'
'Possible he came in through the south entrance.'
'And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!'
'Control, control! You must learn control!'
'Hey, point that thing someplace else.'
'I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master.'
'I never knew I had it in me.'
'There is good in him, I've felt it.'
'Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one.'
'Back door, huh? Good idea!'
'She's gonna blow!'
'I think you'll fit in nicely.'
'Rise, my friend.'
'Wedge! Pull out! You're not doing any good back there!'
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A kid comes home from school and says to his
mom, "Mom I've got a problem."
She says "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at
school are using 2 words he doesn't understand.
She asks him what they are.
He says "well, pussy and bitch".
She says "Oh That's no big deal, pussy is a cat
like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog
like our Sandy."
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the
workshop in the basement. He says to his dad,
"Dad the boys at school are using words I don't
know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told
me the exact meaning.
Dad says "Son, I told you never to go to mom
with these matters, she cant handle them. What
are the words?"
He tells him...pussy and bitch.
Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from
the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic
area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything
inside this circle, is pussy."
"OK dad, so what's a bitch?"
"Son" he says, "everything outside that circle."
�
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Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike
up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the
blanket beside hers.
"Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"
"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.
Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?"
The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said
politely before returning to his reading.
Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do you like pussycats?" With that,
the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging
her as she'd never been ravaged before.
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to
a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was
what I wanted?"
The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you
know my name was Katz?"
�
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Once there was a sperm named
Bob. When all the other sperm
were just swimming around, Bob
was doing sprints and lifting
weights all the other sperms
asked him one day, "Why don't
you just swim around like us?"
Bob replied, with a smirk, "well,
when the time comes, I'm gonna
be the first one there".
The others told him it was just
destiny, but he said it wasn't. So,
the day finally came when they
were called upon. They were
swimming along when Bob pulled
ahead of the rest. Suddenly he
stopped and turned around and
headed back.
The others asked him why he
turned around and he said, "back
up boys it's a BLOW JOB!"
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One morning while making breakfast, a man
walks up to his wife and pinches her on her butt
and says, "You know if you firmed this up we
could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she
thought herself better and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a
pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you
firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silence response, so she
rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a
death grip in place she said, "You know if you
firmed this up we could get rid of your brother.
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Two elderly men were talking about
Viagra. One had never heard of it and
asked the other what it was for."It's the
greatest invention ever," he said. "It
makes you feel like a man of 30." "Can
you get it over the counter?" "Probably - if
you took two."
Did you hear about the side-effects of the
Viagra pill for men? If you swallow it
slowly, you'll get a stiff neck.
What do you get if you mix Viagra and
Prozac? - A guy who is ready to go but
doesn't really care where.
Why is Viagra like Disneyworld? - You
have to wait an hour for a three minute
ride.
A man was prescribed Viagra by his
doctor who told him to take it one hour
before sex. The man collected his
prescription and went home to wait for his
wife to get in from work. An hour before
she was due home, he took the Viagra pill.
But just as he was expecting her, she
phoned to say that she wouldn't be in for
another two and a half hours. In a panic,
he phoned the doctor. "What should I do?" he asked. "I've taken the pill but the effects will have worn
off by the time my wife gets home." "I see," said the doctor. "It is a pity to waste it. Do you have a
maid?" "Yes." "Well, could you not occupy yourself with her instead?" "But I don't need Viagra with
the maid."
��
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The Dean of Women at
an exclusive girls' school
was lecturing her students
on sexual morality.
"We live today in very
difficult times for young
people. In moments of
temptation," she said,
"ask yourself just one
question: Is an hour of
pleasure worth a lifetime
of shame?"
A young woman rose in
the back of the room and
said, "Excuse me, but
how do you make it last
an hour?"
��
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There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch
in her crotch area. She goes to the doctor who checks
her out and tells her she has crabs. She explained that
she couldn't have crabs because she was a virgin, but
the doctor didn't believe her, so she went to get a second
opinion.
The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she
went to a third doctor and said "Please help me. This itch
is killing me and I know that I don't have crabs because
I'm a virgin".
The doctor checks her out and says "I have good news
and bad news. The good news is you don't have crabs,
the bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit
flies."
��
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One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to
be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin,
and that he could not go to heaven right away. He
asked what he did and God told him that he cheated
on his income taxes, and that the only way he could
get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound,
stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and
enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to
pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this
enormous woman, pretending to be happy.
As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up
ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman
than he was with. When he approached Carlos he
asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I
cheated on my income taxes and scammed the
government out of a lot of money...even more then you
did." They both shook their heads in understanding
and figured that as long as they have to be with these
women, they might as well hang out together to help
pass the time.
Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business
when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was
with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel / centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos
approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with this
unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women.
Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best
time of my life (and I'm dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look
forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. After everytime we have sex, she
rolls over and murmur's to herself, "Damn income taxes!"
��
/67705.��?7,+0;065
A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They
were touring around the marketplace looking at the
goods and such, when they passed a small sandal
shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a
Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners Come in. Come
into my humbleshop." So the married couple walked
in.
The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special
sandals 1 think you'd be interested in. They make you
wild at sex like a great desert camel."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the
sandals after what the man had claimed, but her
husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex
hero he was. The husband asked the man, "how could
sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Pakistani man replied, "Why don't you try them on
and see for yourself?" Well, the husband, after much
badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them
on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got
this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years -- raw sexual power.
In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on the table and started
tearing at the guy's pants.
All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET YOU
HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET"
�
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