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越过界限:101个性笑话和漫画 3UHIDFH PinkPassion Press Copyright 2004 Welcome to my labor of love. This book took me several months to create, exclusively for Ebook sites. My husband said I was wasting my time with creating this book. I beg to differ. Now that he has seen the finis...

越过界限:101个性笑话和漫画
3UHIDFH PinkPassion Press Copyright 2004 Welcome to my labor of love. This book took me several months to create, exclusively for Ebook sites. My husband said I was wasting my time with creating this book. I beg to differ. Now that he has seen the finished product he says I should stay in the Ebook business and make us rich! I don’t know about getting rich, but It does pay the bills. I have sold a few rights and plan to sell it to more Ebook sites in the future. All the pictures are Copyrighted and may only be distributed through this Ebook. I pay up my ass for the rights to them so don’t post them on your website, or give this book away as a matter of fact. Each page has one joke and a comic picture. Some pages have a very short joke and this makes for a page that has very little text on it. It may not look the best, but I wanted it to be that way. One joke, one picture, one page. Well, let’s start with some great laughter and then at the end is a bonus section called. “A Few Sick Ones For You!” Love, Lisa A.Shoemaker &RQWHQWV� 1. Strip Club 2. A Dog Named Sex 3. To My Dearest Wife 4. My Dick Is So Big Quotes 5. Starwars Sex Quotes 6. Pussy And Bitch 7. By The Seaside 8. Bob The Sperm 9. Biting Back 10. Viagra Joke 11. Hour Of Pleasure 12. 80 Year Old Virgin 13. Income Taxes 14. Shopping Expedition 15. Microsoft Programmer 16. The Free Beer 17. Sex Problem 18. To Hell 19. Almost Married 20. Social Security Sex 21. Loud Sex 22. Solo Sex 23. Confounded Sex 24. Wedding Anniversary Sex 25. Woman’s Hour 26. The Blow Job 27. Steak And Sex 28. Shakie Shakie 29. Oral Sex Disaster 30. Making Cake 31. Double Whammy 32. What A Shame 33. GangGrene 34. Too Far In 35. All Stood Up 36. Turner Brown 37. A Foot And A Half 38. The Morning After 39. My Dog Named Sex 40. Revolutionary Inventors 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 41. Native Temptations 42. Drilling Rights 43. Psychology Major 44. 3 Newlywed Wives 45. Crack Hoe 46. Little Boys Frog 47. How Did It Happen 48. Why Chocolates Better Than Sex 49. Savior Fare 50. Questions And Answers 51. Bobbit’s In The News Again 52. Tiger Resting His Balls 53. Chinese Torture Test 54. Privates 55. Tarzan And Jane 56. Old Man And His Penis 57. Gay Guy And His Tattoo 58. Four Fingers 59. Vaseline 60. Buttons On The Airplane 61. The Cheese Sandwich 62. Three Labradors 63. Low Sperm Count 64. Artificial Insemination 65. Dirty Blind Man 66. Idiot’s Guide To Sex 67. Things Not To Say During Sex 68. Group Of Girl Friends 69. Six Children 70. Hotel Lobby Clerk 71. Doctor And Wife 72. Macho Man 73. Little Old Lady 74. The Smile Test 75. Randy The Rooster 76. The Bell System 77. My Mother 78. Doing The Dishes 79. Premature Ejaculation Problems 80. Ten Thousand Dollars 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 81. How To Sell 82. First Time 83. Two Necrophilliacs 84. The Man And His Doctor 85. Three Whores 86. Michael Jackson 87. Not My Kind Of Date 88. Limericks 89. Expensive Peep Show 90. Smart Ass 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 91. Sweet Revenge 92. The Cannibals 93. Herpes 94. Hypothetical And Realistic 95. Magic Pills 96. Two Fleas 97. Banana Bread 98. Ether 99. Creative Gestures 100.Hong Kong Dong 101.Medium Size 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 A Few Sick Ones For You! 106 � ;907��3<) A man went to a strip club. When he got inside he noticed a seat conspicuously unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the opportunity, he took the seat. As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind him yelled, "Yeah baby! That's what I've been waiting for!" The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look. A few minutes into the show, the dancer did a move and snatched off her top, revealing two pasties. The guy behind our friend goes off again. "Yeah baby! Shake those things." Our friend turned around and said, "Hey buddy, calm down!" After a few moments, the dancer did another move, and snatched off her dress, revealing a very thin G-string. Again the man behind our friend yelled out, "Oh baby! You're almost there!" Our friend again turned around and said, "Hey buddy, shut the hell up, will ya!" A few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and snatched off both the pasties and the G-string, and the whole club went wild, except for the man behind our friend. Curious, our friend turned around and asked, "Say buddy, where's your enthusiasm now?" The guy responded, "It's all over your back, dude." � ���6.��(4,+� ,? Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on. When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!" One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off. When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!" Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday. Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog." � !6��@��,(9,:;�$0-, During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often: We will wake the kids - 54 times It's too late - 15 times I'm too tired - 42 times It's too early - 12 times It's too hot - 18 times Pretending to be asleep - 31 times The neighbors will hear - 9 times Headache or backache - 26 times Sunburn - 10 times Your mother will hear us - 9 times Not in the mood - 21 times Watching the late show - 17 times Too sore - 26 times New hairdo - 6 times Wrong time of the month - 14 times You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we?? Love, Your Hubby � �@��0*2��:� 6��0.��<6;,: My dick is so big, its a tight fit when I'm bangin' your loose momma! My dick is so big, there's still snow on it in the summertime. My dick is so big, I went to The Viper Room and My dick got right in. I had to stand and argue with the doorman. My dick is so big, I have to call it Mr. Dick in front of company. My dick is so big, it won't return Spielberg's calls. My dick is so big, it graduated a year ahead of me from high school. My dick has an elevator and a lobby. My dick has better credit than I do. My dick is so big, clowns climb out of it when I cum. My dick is so big, it was overthrown by a military coup. It's now known as the Democratic Republic of My Dick. My dick is so big, it has casters. My dick is so big, I'm already fucking a girl tomorrow. My dick is so big, ships use it to find their way into the harbor. My dick is so big, there was once a movie called Godzilla vs. My Dick. My dick is so big, it lives next door. My dick is so big, I entered it in a big-dick contest and it came in first, second, and third. My dick is so big, it votes. My dick is a better dresser than I am. My dick is so big, it has a three-picture deal. My dick is so big that the head of it has only seen My balls in pictures. My dick is so big, Henry Aaron used it to hit his 750th home run. My dick is the Walrus, koo koo ga joob. No matter where I go, My dick always gets there first. My dick takes longer lunches than I do. My dick contributed fifty thousand dollars to the Democratic National Committee. My dick was once the ambassador to China. ;(9>(9:� ,?��<6;,: 'Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!' 'Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?' 'Put that thing away before you get us all killed.' 'You've got something jammed in here real good.' 'Aren't you a little short for a storm-trooper?' 'You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought.' 'Sorry about the mess...' 'Look at the size of that thing!' 'Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!' 'She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid.' 'I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me.' 'Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?' 'There's an awful lot of moisture in here.' 'But now we must eat. Come, good food, come...' 'That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while.' 'Hurry up, golden-rod...' 'I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?' 'Possible he came in through the south entrance.' 'And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!' 'Control, control! You must learn control!' 'Hey, point that thing someplace else.' 'I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master.' 'I never knew I had it in me.' 'There is good in him, I've felt it.' 'Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one.' 'Back door, huh? Good idea!' 'She's gonna blow!' 'I think you'll fit in nicely.' 'Rise, my friend.' 'Wedge! Pull out! You're not doing any good back there!' �<::@��5+��0;*/ A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem." She says "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are. He says "well, pussy and bitch". She says "Oh That's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy." He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning. Dad says "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she cant handle them. What are the words?" He tells him...pussy and bitch. Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle, is pussy." "OK dad, so what's a bitch?" "Son" he says, "everything outside that circle." � �@�!/,� ,(:0+, Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers. "Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?" "Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book. Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?" The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his reading. Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do you like pussycats?" With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before. As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?" � �6)�!/,� 7,94 Once there was a sperm named Bob. When all the other sperm were just swimming around, Bob was doing sprints and lifting weights all the other sperms asked him one day, "Why don't you just swim around like us?" Bob replied, with a smirk, "well, when the time comes, I'm gonna be the first one there". The others told him it was just destiny, but he said it wasn't. So, the day finally came when they were called upon. They were swimming along when Bob pulled ahead of the rest. Suddenly he stopped and turned around and headed back. The others asked him why he turned around and he said, "back up boys it's a BLOW JOB!" �0;05.��(*2 One morning while making breakfast, a man walks up to his wife and pinches her on her butt and says, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother. �� #0(.9(��62, Two elderly men were talking about Viagra. One had never heard of it and asked the other what it was for."It's the greatest invention ever," he said. "It makes you feel like a man of 30." "Can you get it over the counter?" "Probably - if you took two." Did you hear about the side-effects of the Viagra pill for men? If you swallow it slowly, you'll get a stiff neck. What do you get if you mix Viagra and Prozac? - A guy who is ready to go but doesn't really care where. Why is Viagra like Disneyworld? - You have to wait an hour for a three minute ride. A man was prescribed Viagra by his doctor who told him to take it one hour before sex. The man collected his prescription and went home to wait for his wife to get in from work. An hour before she was due home, he took the Viagra pill. But just as he was expecting her, she phoned to say that she wouldn't be in for another two and a half hours. In a panic, he phoned the doctor. "What should I do?" he asked. "I've taken the pill but the effects will have worn off by the time my wife gets home." "I see," said the doctor. "It is a pity to waste it. Do you have a maid?" "Yes." "Well, could you not occupy yourself with her instead?" "But I don't need Viagra with the maid." �� �6<9��-��3,(:<9, The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?" A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?" �� ���&,(9��3+�#09.05 There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her crotch area. She goes to the doctor who checks her out and tells her she has crabs. She explained that she couldn't have crabs because she was a virgin, but the doctor didn't believe her, so she went to get a second opinion. The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she went to a third doctor and said "Please help me. This itch is killing me and I know that I don't have crabs because I'm a virgin". The doctor checks her out and says "I have good news and bad news. The good news is you don't have crabs, the bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies." �� �5*64,�!(?,: One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy. As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did." They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time. Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel / centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women. Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and murmur's to herself, "Damn income taxes!" �� /67705.��?7,+0;065 A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners Come in. Come into my humbleshop." So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals 1 think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex hero he was. The husband asked the man, "how could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Pakistani man replied, "Why don't you try them on and see for yourself?" Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years -- raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on the table and started tearing at the guy's pants. All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET" � �0*96:6-;��96.9(44,9 A woman h
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