绝望的主妇剧本

绝望的主妇剧本 Desperate Housewives Season 1 Episode 1 Mary: My name is Mary Alice Young. When you read this morning’s paper, you may come across an article about the unusual day I had last week. Normally, there is never anything newsworthy about my daily life, but that all changed last Thursday. Of course everything seemed quite normal at first. I made breakfast for my family; I performed my chores; I completed my projects; I ran my errands. In truth, I spend the day as I spend every other day quietly polishing the routine of my life until it gleamed with perfection. That is why it’s so astonishing when I decided to go to my hallway closet and retrieve a revolver that had never been used. My body was discovered by my neighbor, Mrs. Marsha Huber, who had been startled by a strange popping sound. Her curiosity aroused, Mrs. Huber tried to think of a reason for dropping on unannounced. After some initial hesitation, she decided to return the blender she had burrowed from me 6 months before. Marsha Huber: Oh~~~~! It’s my neighbor. I think she has been shot! There’s blood everywhere. Yes, you’ve got to send an ambulance. You’ve got to send one right now! Mary: And for a moment, Mrs. Huber stood motionless in her kitchen, grief-stricken by the senseless tragedy, but, only for a moment. If there is one thing Mrs. Huber was known for, it was her ability to look on the bright side. Mary: I was laid to rest on Monday. After the funeral, all residents of Wisteria Lane came to pay their respect. And as people do in this situation, they brought food. Lynette Scavo brought fried chicken. Lynette had a great family recipe for fried chicken. Of course, she didn’t cook much when she was moving up the corporate ladders. She didn’t have the time. But when her doctor announced Lynette was pregnant, her husband, Tom, had an idea. “Why not quit your job? Kids do better with stay home mom. So it would be so much less stressful. But, this was not the case. In fact, Lynette’s life had become so hectic. She was now forced to get her fried chicken from a fast food restaurant. Lynette would have appreciated the irony if she started to think about it. But, she couldn’t. She didn’t have the time. Lynette: Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Kids: Mom~~! Lynette: You’re going to behave today. I will not going to be humiliated in front of the entire neighborhood. And, just so you know how serious I am? One of the twins: What’s that? Lynette: Santa’s cell phone number. The other of the twins: How do you get that? Lynette: I know someone who knows someone who knows an elf. And if any of you acts up, so help me, I will call Santa and I will tell him you want socks for Christmas! Are you willing to risk that? Kids shake their heads no. Lynette: Ok. Let’s get this over with. Mary: Gabrielle Solis, who lives down the block, brought spicy paella. Since her modeling days in New York, Gabrielle had developed her taste for rich food and rich men. Carlos, who worked in mergers and acquisitions, proposed on their third date. Gabrielle was touched when tears welled up his eyes. But she soon discovered this happened every time Carlos closed a big deal. Gabrielle liked paella piping hot. However, her relationship with her husband was considerably cooler. Carlos: If you talk to Al Mason about a thing, I want you casually mention how much I paid for your necklace. Gabrielle: Why don’t I just paint the receipt on my chest? Carlos: He let me know how much he had paid for his wife’s new convertible. Look, just work into the conversation. Gabrielle: I just can’t find a way to work it in, Carlos. Carlos: Why not? At the Donahue Party, everyone was talking about the mutual funds, and you found a way to mention you slept with half of the Yankee outfielders. Gabrielle: I am telling you, it came up in the context of the conversations. Carlos: Hey! People are starting to stare. Can you keep your voice down, please? Gabrielle: Absolutely. Wouldn’t want people to think we are not happy. Mary: Bree Van De Camp, who lives next door, brought baskets of muffins she baked from scratch. Bree was known for her cooking, and for making for her clothes, and for doing her own gardening and for re-upholstering her own furniture. Yes, Bree’s many talents were known throughout the neighborhood and everyone on Wisteria Lane thought of Bree as a perfect wife and mother. Everyone that is, except, her own family. Bree: Paul, Zachary. Zachary: Hello, Mrs. Van De Camp. Paul: Bree, you shouldn’t be gone through so much troubles. Bree: It was no trouble at all. Now the basket with red ribbon spilled with deserts for your guests but the one with blue ribbon is just for you and Zachary. It’s gonna be rolls, muffins breakfast type things. Paul: Thank you. Bree: At least I can make sure your boy would not miss a meal for tomorrow. I know you’re out of your mind with your grief. Paul: Yes, we are. Bree: Of course, I will need the baskets back once you done. Paul: Of course. Mary: Susan Mayer, who lives across the street, brought macaroni and cheeses. Her husband Carl always teased about her macaroni, saying this was the only thing she knew how to cook and she rarely she made it well. It was too salty when she and Carl moved in their house. It was too watery when the night she found lipstick on Carl’s shirt. She was burnt it the night Carl told her he was leaving her for his secretary. A year had passed since her divorce, Susan had started to think how nice it would be to have a man in her life even one who would made fun of her cooking. Julie: Mom, why would someone kill themselves? Susan: Well. Sometimes people are so unhappy and they think this is the only way they can solve their problems. Julie: But Mrs. Young always seemed happy. Susan: Yeah. Sometimes people pretend to be one way on the outside, but they are totally different on the inside. Julie: Are you mean like Dad’s girlfriend who is smiling and says nice thing, but deep down, you just know she’s a bitch? Susan: I don’t like that word, Julie. But, yeah, that a great example. Susan: Hey, I’m sorry I’m late. Lynette: Hey, Susan. Mary: So what did Carl say when you confronted him? Susan: You will love it. He said, “It doesn’t mean anything. It was just sex.” Bree: Oh. That was on the page one of Penthouse tablet. Susan: Yeah. And then he had a Zen look on his face, said, “You know, Susan. Most men lived lives of quiet desperation.” Lynette: Please tell me you punched him. Susan: No. I said, “Really, and what about most women live? Lives of noisy fulfillment? Mary: Good for you. Susan: I mean, of all people. Did he have to bang his secretary? I had that woman over for brunch. Gabrielle: It’s like my grandmother always said an erect penis does not have conscious. Lynette: Even limps ones aren’t of that ethnical. Bree: So that is the reason I joined in NRA. When Rex started going to those medical conference, I wanted it in the back of his mind that he had a loving wife at home with loaded of Smith & Wesson. Mary: Lynette, Tom’s always away on business. Do you ever worry on him? Lynette: Oh, please. This man got me pregnant 3 times in 4 years. I wish him having sex with someone else. Bree: So Susan, has he gonna to stop seeing that woman? Susan: I don’t know. I’m sorry, guys. I just…I just don’t know how I’m going to survive this. Mary: Listen to me. We all have moments of desperation. But if we face them head on, that’s when we find out just tells us how strong we really are. Bree: Susan! Susan! I was just saying Paul wants us to go over on Friday. He needs us to go through Mary Alice’s closet and pack up her things. He said he can’t face doing it by himself. Susan: Sure, that’s fine. Bree: Are you Ok? Susan: Yeah. I’m just angry. If Mary Alice was having problems, she should have come to us. She should have let us to help her. Gabrielle: What kind of problem could she have had? She was healthy, had a great home and nice family. Her life was… Lynette: Our life. Gabrielle: No. If Mary Alice was having something of crisis, we should have known. She is just 50 feet away of us. Susan: Gaby, that woman killed herself. Something must be going on. Susan: I wouldn’t eat that if I were you. Mike: Why? Susan: I made it. Trust me. Hey! Hey! Do you have death wish? Mike: No. I just refuse to believe that anybody can screw up the macaroni and cheese. Oh, my God! How did you…? It tastes like burned and undercooked. Susan: Yeah. I get that a lot. Mike: Thanks. I’m Mike Delfino. I just start renting Sims’s house next door. Susan: Susan Mayer, I live across the street. Mike: Oh, I heard from Mrs. Huber about you. She said you illustrate children’s book. Susan: Yeah. I’m very big with the under 5 set. What do you do? Mike: Plumber. So if you ever have a clog or something… Susan: Now, everybody’s seen I have brought something. I should probably just throw this out. Lynette: Ease up. Little vampire.. Huber: Lynette, I’ve being looking all over for you. Are you aware of what are your sons doing? Lynette: What are you doing? We are at a wake. One of the twins: When we got here, you said we can go into the pool. Lynette: I said you can go by the pool. Did you have your swim suits on? One of the twins: Yeah. We put on our swim suits when we left. Lynette: You three planed it all right. That’s it! Get out! One of the twins: No! Lynette: No? I am your mother. You have to do what I say. Come on! One of the twins: We want to swim. You can’t stop us! Lynette: Get out or I’ll get into the pool to grab you! Get out! Get over here. That’s right! Get over here. Out! Get out! Paul, we have to leave now. Once again, I am so sorry for your loss. Go! Mary: Lynette should have not been so concerned about my husband. He had other things in his mind, things below the surface. The morning after my funeral, my friends and neighbors quietly withdraw back to their busy, busy life. Some did their cooking; and some did their cleaning; and some did their yoga; others, did their home work. Julie: Hi! I am Julie. I kicked my soccer ball into your backyard. Mike: Oh, ok. Well, let’s go around and go get it. Stay. Julie: His wife died a year ago. He wanted to stay in L.A. but there were too many memories. He is renting for tax purposes but he hopes to buy a place real soon. Susan: I can’t believe you went over there. Julie: Hey, I saw you were both flirting at the wake. You’re obviously into each other. Now you know he is single. You can ask him out. Susan: Julie, I like Mr. Delfino. I do. I just don’t know if I’m getting ready for dating out. Julie: Oh, you need to get out from here. Come on. How long has it been since you have sex? Are you mad at I asked you that? Susan: No. I just try to remember. I don’t want to talk with you about my love affair anymore. It weirds me out Julie: I wouldn’t say anything. It’s just… Susan: What? Julie: I heard Dad’s girlfriend asked if you dated anyone since your divorce. And Dad said he doubted it. And then they both laughed. Mike: Hey. Susan. Susan: Hi. Mike. I brought you a house warming gift. I probably should have come by earlier, but… Mike: Actually, you are the first neighbor who came to step by. Susan: Really? Well Mary: Susan knew she was lucky. An eligible bachelor had moved to Wisteria Lane and she was the first one found out. And she also knew the good news travels quickly. Edie Brit was the most predatory divorcee in 5-block radius. Her conquests were numerous, varied and legendary. Edie: Hey, Susan. Hope I didn’t interrupt in. You must be Mike Delfino. Hi, I’m Edie, Britt. I live over there. Welcome to Wisteria Lane. Mary: Susan had met an enemy and she was a slot. Mike: Thank you. Ha-ha...What’s this? Edie: Sausage pudding etc. Just those things I put together. Mike: Thanks, Edie. That’s great. I should invite you both in, but I was sort of in the middle of something Mary: And just like that, the race of Mike Delfino had begun. For a moment, Susan wondered if her rivalry with Edie will remain friendly. Edie: Oh, Mike, I heard you are a plumber? Mary: But she was reminded when it came to man, women don’t fight fair. Edie: Do you think you can stop by later tonight to take a look at my pipe? Mike: Sure. Edie: Thanks! Bye, Susan. Gabrielle: You can’t order me aroud like I’m your child! Carlos: Gabrielle! Gabrielle: No! No! No! No! I’m not going! Carlos: It’s business. Tanaka expects everyone to bring their wives. Gabrielle: Every time I’m around that man, he tries to grab my ass. Carlos: I made over 200,000 dollars doing business with that man last week. If he wants to grab your ass, you let him. John! John: Mr. Solis. You scared me. Carlos: Why that bush still here? You supposed to dig it out last week. John: I didn’t have time. Carlos: I don’t want to hear your excuses. Just take care of it. Gabrielle: I really hate the way you talk to me. Carlos: And I really hate that I spend 15,000 dollars on your diamond necklace that you couldn’t live without. But I’ve learned to deal with it. So can I tell Tanaka we’ll be there tomorrow night? Gabrielle: John, we have bandages on top shelf of the kitchen. John: Thanks. Mrs. Solis. Gabrielle: Fine, I’ll go. But I am keeping my back pressed against the wall the entire time. Carlos: See? That is what marriage all about, compromise. Gabrielle: Is your finger Ok? John: Yeah. Yeah, just a small cut. Gabrielle: Let me see. John: You know, Mrs. Solis. I really like it when we hook up. But, I just gonna get my work done. And I can’t afford to lose this job. Gabrielle: This table was hand-carved. Carlos had it imported from Italy. It costs him 23,000 dollars. John: You want to do it on this tablet this time? Gabrielle: Absolutely. Danielle: Why can’t we have some normal soup? Bree: Danielle, there is nothing abnormal about basil puree. Danielle: Just once. Can’t we have some soup people have heard of? Like French onion or Navy bean. Bree: First of all, your father can’t eat onion, he is deathly allergic. And I won’t dignify your Navy beans suggestion. So, how is the osso buco? Andrew: That’s Ok. Bree: It’s Ok? Andrew, I spend 3 hours cooking this meal. How do you think it makes me feel when you say “It’s Ok” in the sullen tone? Andrew: Who asked you to spend 3 hours on dinner? Bree: Excuse me? Andrew: Tim Harper’s mom gets home from work; pops open a can of pork and beans. They are eating. Everyone is happy. Bree: You’d rather I serve pork and beans? Danielle: Apologies now, I’m begging you. Andrew: I’m saying, do you always have to serve cuisine? Can’t we just have food? Bree: Are you chewing drugs? Andrew: What? Bree: Chang in behavior is one of the warning signs. And you have been fresh as paint over the last 6 months. That would explain why you always locked in the bathroom. Danielle: Trust me. That is not what he’s doing. Andrew: Shut up! Mom, I’m not the only one with problem here, all right? You are the one who always acting like you are running for Major Stepford. Bree: Rex. Seeing that you are the head of this household, I would really appreciate if you say something. Rex: Pass the salt? Mary: Three days after my funeral, Lynette replaced her grief with her much more useful emotion indignation. thLynette: Tom, this is my 5 message and you still have not called me back. Well, there must be lot of fun on your business trip. I can only imagine. Well, guess what, the kids and I needs fun, too. So unless you call me back by noon, we are getting on plane and joining in you. Parker: Mom. Lynette: Not now, honey. Mom is threatening Dad. Parker: Mom! Lynette: No. Ah~ where’re your brothers? Porter: Noodles! Preston: My favorite. Natalie Klein: Lynette Scarvo?! Lynette: Crap! Natalie Klein, I don’t believe it! Natalie: Lynette! How long has it been? Lynette: Years! How are you? How’s the firm? Natalie: Good. Everyone misses you. Lynette: Yeah. Natalie: We all say you had not quit, you would be running the place by now. Lynette: Yeah, well. Natalie: So… how’s the domestic life? Don’t you just love being a mom? Mary: And there it was the question that Lynette always dreaded. Lynette: Well, to be honest… Mary: To those who asked, only one answer is acceptable. So Lynette responded as she always did it. She lied. Lynette: It’s the best job I’ve ever had. John: You know what I don’t get? Gabrielle: What? John: Why you married Mr. Solis? Gabrielle: Well, he promised to give me everything I’ve ever wanted. John: And did he? Gabrielle: Yes. John: And why aren’t you happy? Gabrielle: It turns out I want all the wrong things. John: So do you love him? Gabrielle: I do. John: And then why are we here? Why we are doing this? Gabrielle: Because I don’t want to wake up on the morning with a sudden urge to blow my brains out. John: Hey, can I have a drug? Gabrielle: Absolutely not. You are much too young to smoke. Susan: How would you feel about me using your child support payment for plastic surgery? Julie: Stopping too nervous. You are just asking him out to dinner. It’s no big deal. thSusan: You are right. So, is that your project for school? You know when I was in 5 grade. I made a white house out of sugar cubes? Julie: Stop stalling and go. Before Mike’s figured out you can do better. Susan: Tell me again why I fought for custody for me. Julie: You are using it for hit Dad. Susan: Oh…that’s right. Oh…God! Susan: Hi. Mike: Hi, Susan. Susan: Are you busy? Mike: No, not at all. What’s up? Susan: Err… I’ m just wondering…if….err…if there is any chance that you…err…I just want to ask if…Edie! Edie: Hey, Susan. Susan: Why you…? Edie: I was making ambrosia and I was making a lot so I brought some to Mike. What’s going on? Mike: Err. Susan is going to ask me something. Susan: I have clog. Mike: Excuse me? Susan: Aren’t you a plumber, right? Mike: Yeah. Susan: The clog is in the pipe. Mike: Yeah, that’s way how they are. Susan: Yeah, I’ve got one. Mike: Wait. Let me get my tools. Susan: Now? You want to come over now? You have company. Edie: I don’t mind. Mike: Give 2 minutes. I’ll be there. Susan: That’s it. Just stuff the hair in it! Julie: I stuffed it but it is not at all enough! Susan: Put this peanut in it, and this cooking oil, and this olive. Julie: Mom, I’m telling you it’s not work. Susan: Oh, God. It’s him. Oh, how can I stuff the thing? Mike: Well, there is your problem. Seemed somebody stuffed a bunch of popsicle sticks down there. Susan: I’ve told Julie millions of times not to play in the kitchen. Kids, you know. Waiter: All right, I’ll put down your orders and get back your soft drinks and you can help yourselves. Rex: Thank you. Bree: Danielle, Andrew, hanker? Andrew: There are video games. Can we go and play over till our foods get here? Bree: Andrew, this is family time. I just think you should… Rex: Go and have a play. Bree: I know you are thinking I’m angry about coming here, but I’m not. You and kids want to change a pace of something fun. I get it. Probably we’ll want to have something healthier tomorrow night. I’m thinking may be Rex: I want to divorce. I just can’t live in this, this detergent commercial any more. Waiter: Salad is right over there. Help yourselves. Rex: Thank you. Bree: I’ll go and get you some salad. Huber: Bree Van de Camp! Bree: Oh, hello, Mrs. Huber. Huber: We didn’t get a chance to talk on Mary Alice’s wake. How are you doing? Mary: Bree longed to share the truth about her husband’s painful betrayal, but sadly for Bree, admitting defeat was not an option. Bree: Great. Everything is just great. I got you some honey mustard dressing. The ranch looked just a little bit suspect. Rex: Are we gonna talk about what I said? Bree: If you think I am gonna discuss about my marriage in the place with restrooms labeled with Chicks and Dudes, you’re out of your mind. Rex: What’s in this? Bree: What’s in this? It’s salad. Rex: With onions! Bree: What? Rex: You put onion in the salads! Bree: No, I didn’t! Bree: Oh, wait! Mary: The sound that waked my son that he had heard once, many years ago when he was quite young. But he recognized the sound incidentally. It was the sound of family secret. 7 days after my funeral, life at Wisteria Lane finally became normal, which, for some of my friends, was unfortunately. One of the twins: Mommy! Mommy! Lynette: What’s up? One of the twins: Daddy’s home! Tom: Is anybody home? Lynette: I wasn’t expecting to see you for a week. Tom: I have to go back to Frisco in the morning. I got your call. You sounded a little frazzle. Lynette: Yeah. It’s been a little rough. Parker: Did you bring me some presents? Tom: Oh, God presents. Let me see. I wouldn’t give you unless you promise to get it out now and practice at least 20minutes. You promise? Kids: Yeah! Yeah! Tom: Touch down! Lynette: Oh, God. You must be kidding. I’m exhausted. I’m looked terrible and covered in peaches. Tom: It’s Ok, Baby. I’m gonna to have you. Lynette: Is it Ok I just lying here? Tom: Absolutely. Lynette: I love you. Tom: I love you more. Lynette: Oh, wait. I gonna to tell you I have something trouble of swelling so the doctor took of my pills. You have to put on condemn. Tom: Condemn? That’s not big deal. Let’s risk it. Lynette: Let’s risk it? Tom: Yeah! Rex: I can’t believe you try to kill me. Bree: Well, yes, I feel badly about that. I’ve told you Mrs. Huber came over and I got distracted. It was a mistake. Rex: Since when did you make mistake? Bree: What’s that you suppose to mean? Rex: It means that I’m sick of you’ve being so damn perfect all the time. I’m sick of the buzzard way your hair doesn’t move. I’m sick of you began to make the bed in the morning before I even use the bathroom. Oh, yes, you’re just the suburban plastic house wife with her pearls and spatula saying things like “We owe the Henderson’s Dinner”! Where’s the woman I fell in love with? Who used to burn toast, drink milk out of the carton and laugh? I need her not this cold, perfect thing you’ve become. Bree: These things need water. Mary: Bree soared quietly in the restroom for 5 minutes, but her husband never knew. Because when Bree finally emerged, she was perfect. Gabrielle: I found my earrings. We can go now. Carlos: Is John here today? Gabrielle: Well, yeah! Carlos: The lawn has not been mowed. He had it? We need a real gardener! Gabrielle: Why? Carlos: Are you deaf? I just said he was not doing his job. Gabrielle: It’s dark. You just can’t see the lawn hasn’t been mowed. Carlos: It hasn’t been. Feel this grass. Gabrielle: I’m not feeling this grass. Just get going. Come on. We’re late. Carlos: Hey, care! Waiter: Yes, sir. Carlos: There is Tanaka. Time for me to go into my dance. Gabrielle: Good luck, sweet heart. Hey, excuse me. Have you seen that man just walk away? Can you make sure he has drink in his hand all night long? Waiter: Yes, mamma. Huber: Susan! Susan! Susan: Oh, Mrs. Huber. How are you doing? Huber: Not doing well, I’m afraid. I’m trying to find some medicine to sue my stomach. Susan: Oh, that’s upset. Huber: Yeah. I had the worst macaroni and cheese at the wake. It has being running through me ever since. Susan: Oh. Huber: And I need to be the best. Edie Britt’s son is spending the night tonight. Susan: He is spending the night? Huber: Apparently, Edie is having a gentleman friend over for dinner and I think she has planed on entertaining into wee ours if you know what I mean. Huber: Oh, here's some antacid. Have you ever tried this? Susan: I can’t believe it. This can’t be happening? Mike can’t like Edie Britt. He just can’t. Julie: You don’t known what is going on. Maybe they are just having dinner. You’re right. They are doing it. Susan: Edie? Edie? Hell? Anybody home? I need to borrow sugar. Mary: And just like that, the possibility that Susan clung to, the maybe of Mike Delfino, was gone forever. And despite the precariousness of her situation, Susan took a moment to mourn her loss. It didn’t took Susan long to realize this night was just not that. Edie: Someone else there? Oh, my God, the smoke! Huber: …she left some candles unattended in the den. … said she was lucky. She could have been killed. Lynette: She was having sex with some guy when the fire started. Gabrielle: What happened to him? Lynette: He has got the smoke inhalation. He’s in hospital. Bree: Susan Majer, are you alright? You’re awful. Susan: I’m fine. I just feel really bad for Edie. Gabrielle: Oh, honey. Don’t worry about Edie. She is a strong Lady. Lynette: Absolutely. She can get through this. She can find a way to survive. Bree: We all do. Mike: Well, what happened? Susan: Mike! Mary: Suddenly, there he was, like a phoenix rising from the ashes. Susan: I…I thought you were…Err, where are you? Mike: I just go and see some movies. Edie had a fire, hah? Susan: Yeah. But she is fine now. Everything is fine now. Mary: And just like that, Susan was happy. Life was suddenly full of possibilities. Not to mention a few unexpected surprises. Mike: Hey, it’s me. Secret voice: Have you got anything? Mike: No. Not yet. But don’t worry. It’s definitely get closure. Susan: I brought some champion. I thought we should have a toast. Mary: The next day, my friends gathered to pack my clothes and personal belongings and what was left of my life. Susan: Alright, ladies. Let’s come on. To Mary Alice, a good friend and neighbor, wherever you are, we hope you find peace. Ladies: To Mary Alice. Lynette: These should get on the road. Gabrielle: You have checked Mary’s clothes? Size 8, hah? She always told me she was a size 6. Guess we found the skeleton in her closet. Mary: Not quite. Not quite. Gaby. Gabrielle: What’s that? Bree: It’s a letter. Just Mary Alice. Mary: How ironic, to have something I have tried desperately to keep secret treated so casually. Lynette: What’re you doing? It’s private. Gabrielle: It was open. What’s the big deal? Susan: What does this mean? Lynette: I don’t know. But check out post mark. Bree: Oh, my god! She got it the day she died. Gabrielle: Do you think it is why she…? Mary: I’m so sorry, girls. I never wanted you to be burden with this. Susan: Oh, Mary Alice. What did you do?