哈佛大学公开课——幸福课-第十课

554 Positive Psychology – Lecture 10 Hi! Good morning! So today's lecture is about change. And things are going to change today. Our relationship is going to change today. So stay tuned. Last time, last time we ended by talking about the different kinds of change. The first approach—the gradual approach, like water wearing down stone, chipping away gradually slowly taking our time. The second approach—the acute change, the sledge hammer breaking stone creating a new pathway, a new channel. The important thing to keep in mind with both forms of changes, with all forms of changes, lasting change that is—which is what we are about—not just the spike and the return to base level. The thing to keep in mind about change is that neither is quick-fix. Even when we pick up that sledge hammer, even when we pick it up, we need to do a lot of work before the preparation. So for example, gradual change, slow change would be doing the gratitude exercise every day, slowly becoming more and more of a benefit finder, gradually looking more at the positive, creating a new neural pathway neuron by neuron. Remember neuroplasticity and neurogenesis—two very important concepts. Because just by knowing by understanding that our brain changes in and of itself makes us more likely to change. And this is work done by Carol Dweck, whom I'll discuss in future courses when we discuss perfectionism. And then the sledge hammer example is like the Eureka experience—the great insight that doesn't come in a vacuum. It comes after a lot of hard work after a lot of preparation. You know the 99% of perspiration that leads to that inspiration. So no quick-fix. And the belief in quick-fix, the expectation of the quick-fix—that is one of the reasons why levels of the depression are so high today. Because people are frustrated. They are disappointed. They think there's something wrong with them when they don't succeed in the quick-fix. But they have just…I just write in the book that it's possible if I do these 555 five things, I'd be happy for the rest of my life. And I do these five things, and I'm not happier. And I begin to question myself. No quick-fix. It takes time. No five easy steps to happiness. Before we go to the change process, there are a few things we need to understand. The first thing to understand is this—do I, do you really want to change? And it's not a trivial question. It is not a rhetorical question because very often on the conscious level we may be saying yes, but on the subconscious level something is stopping us. Let me show you an example. So this is the study done by Langer and…and Thompson back in the 80s. And here is what they did. They brought students in or participants in. And they asked them whether they wanted to get rid of certain characteristics, like rigidity or being gullible or grimness. And they asked them whether they wanted to get rid of these characteristics and whether they succeeded in becoming better in this area. Were you able to introduce change, so were you able to actually become less rigid, if this was important for you to change, or less gullible, or less grim? So this is the first two questions that they asked. Did you want to improve it? Did you wanna change this? And then after, they answered these questions. There was the second part of the study where they asked them to evaluate the positive…the following positive characteristics. Consistency, is it important to you? Is it important to you to be trustworthy? And how important it is for you to be and to be perceived as a serious person? And here is the interesting finding of this research. Those individuals who rated the positive traits—the ones in yellow who rated them high—as personally important to them were less likely to change the negatives. Do you understand implications of the study? Let's say I do wanna get rid of rigidity. I don't like being rigid. However, at the same time, consistency is a very important value to me. I'm less likely to change my rigidity because they are associated in my mind. And yeah, I don't want to be rigid. But at the same time subconscious is talking here— I want to be consistent. Don't let go of this rigidity because I couple them, I associate 556 them together. Not wanting to get rid of one because I don't want the baby out with the bath water. And to me they are linked. The same with gullibility and trustworthiness. We can say that the other side of gullibility someone who's trustworthy. Now going to the extreme. I become gullible. However, I don't get rid of my gullibility because I don't want to also get rid of my trustworthiness. Same with grim. I may be grim but that's also subconsciously a sign of my seriousness. You know for years, literally years, when I've been thinking and writing and analyzing the notion of perfectionism, I couldn't understand why it didn't get better, for very long time. Because I knew perfectionism was hurting me. I read the research. I look through personal experiences. I knew it was hurting me in terms of my well-being for sure, but also in the long term in terms of my success. And yet I couldn't get rid of perfectionism until I read the study. And I asked myself, What's tied in my mind? What goes hand in hand is drive and ambition. And if I had to define myself—this is one of the first things—and because I didn't want to lose these characteristics, my subconscious didn't let me, stopped me from getting rid of the perfectionism, perfectionism which I define as a debilitating fear of failure. We'll have a whole week on perfectionism. So we'll get more in depth if you'll understand what it means. And it was only once I understood that for me these two things go hand in hand, I was able to unpack them to distinguish them. I said I want to keep one not the other. Or for example, worry and anxiety. Look I've mentioned these many times before, next time I'll talk to you about the process that I underwent to overcome anxiety. Part of me since the time I can't remember myself being anxious whether it's before matches in squash, whether it's before exams, whether it's before speaking up in section when I was an undergrad. And I wanted to stop that. I didn't want that. However, I didn't let go of worry and anxiety because I also sort with responsibility. 557 Well if I'm anxious, it can mean I'm responsible. So I prepare for class much more as opposed to just let go and become a slacker. So I associated a positive trait which is responsibility. And remember Brandon? No one is coming very important trait—responsibility. But that prevented me from letting go—subconscious level, not conscious of the worry and anxiety that I often experienced. Guilt, again there is good guilt, there is bad guilt. You know it is. Well, I don't want to get rid of guilt because what that means I'm not being empathic and sensitive toward other people. Very often we connect the two. They go hand in hand. Another couple is the notion of simplifying. This is something very personal to me. I wanted to do less because I knew that taking on too many activities was actually hurting me…was hurting my productivity, creativity, well-being. I couldn't simplify. Why? Because I associate it in my mind with losing my edge. So I didn't let go. Or fault-finding—we talked about this a week ago. Why do people not let go of fault-finding? Why do they remain pessimistic? Because they connect it with the sense of realism. I don't wanna stop being realistic. I don't wanna be one of those detached Pollyannas. And therefore I don't let go of my fault-finding. Happiness. One of the most significant barrier to people's happiness is that they associate happiness with slacking off, because the dominant paradigm. If I'm happy now, I ignore experiencing pain. It means I'm letting go. It means I'm not gonna be successful. It means I'm gonna lose my edge. It means I'm gonna lose my drive and ambition. So our subconscious prefers to keep…keep us unhappy, so that we don't lose the other things that we value highly, things such as ambition, things such as having an edge, things such as our hard work. Now of course, when we look at them we know that they don't necessarily have to go hand in hand. On the contrary, for example, happiness, we know from the broaden and build theory—the positive emotions are actually associated with higher levels of success—whereas I'll talk about 558 after spring break, when we talk about perfectionism. We know from research, you'll be able to connect it also in the person. Many of you will be able to connect it in the personal level. We know that letting go of this fear of failure and coping, putting ourselves on the line more, learning from failures looking at it as a…as a stepping stone that contributes to our success in the long term. It doesn't need to take away from our drive and ambition on the contrary. And the key if we wanna overcome this fear of failure or the worry/anxiety, or the guilt, or the slack of happiness, or getting a better understanding of these characteristics. For example, understanding that I want to let go of my fear of failure, the debilitating fear of failure, not just fear of failure, because every one is afraid of failure to some extent, but to let go of the debilitating fear of failure and yet maintain my drive or ambition. So more in nuance understanding that you need to go hand in hand. Or, I can't, you know, I never used to be able to say no to people. You know, such a short word, such an easy word, so difficult at times to say. Why? Because I see myself and now I want other people to see me as empathic as sensitive as under…as a nice guy. And then I unpack the two. And it really doesn't have to hand in hand. I can say no to people very sensitively because very often when I say yes to others, I'm saying no to myself, and in the long term, very often to the relationship. So now I had a better more nuance understanding of when I can say no and when I don't want to say no while maintaining my sensitivity and my empathy without experiencing the same levels of guilt that I experienced before whenever I said no. And the same you can do for every one of these, of these characteristics. So think about what if you wanted to change for a very long time and weren't successful in. Was it perfectionism? Was it, you know, this very serious grimness? And you wanted to be more playful? Well maybe you didn't want to get rid of it because you were afraid of losing you seriousness. And you don't need do. The baby can stay, the bath water can go if we have a more nuance understanding of what it is we want to change. 559 In section next week, you are going to do an exercise with your teaching fellows called sentence completion. In that exercise, this is exactly what you are going to do, you're going to identify. It's…it's an exercise devised by Nathaniel Branden. You're going to do an exercise that will help you identify what you wanna get rid of and what you wanna keep. Very often, that…just that switch that you make in your mind, subconscious as well as conscious mind can open the flood waters, the gates to a new channel, new pathway in our brain, real lasting change. We're gonna discuss three distinct, the interconnected pathways to change—the ABCs of psychology which we have mentioned before. The ABCs—the A is the affect, the emotion. The B is the behavior, the action. And C is the cognition, the thought. And what we gonna do is we're going to talk about each one of the three. And for each one we're going to talk about the gradual change approach and the acute change approach. So in a sense we're building a three by two. Affect, behavior, cognition times gradual and the acute. And we're going to talk about six different approaches to change. These six approaches to change are interconnected. It's important to connect them. And ideally we want all three. Why? Quote it up, we used it a few times and we'll use it again, John Dryden, British poet—In order to change a habit, in order to bring about lasting change, we need to have as much of a solid approach as much…um…force in the intervention. It's not just enough to focus on the emotions. It's not just enough to focus on action. It's not enough just to focus on our thinking. We want to focus on the three—the A, the B, and the C. It's...Think about it. It's like a habit can be looked as a flood. There's flood in our mind of certain neurons firing in certain neuron pathway. And what we want to do is to overcome this flood. And to overcome this flood we need as much force as we can, therefore we want to use as many approaches as we can. Before we jump into the A, one more thing—what do we want to change? What can 560 we change? And what can we not change? So according to researchers led by the lights of as we're to explain an individual's happiness, we need to look at the three factors. The first factor is the genetic set range, not genetic set point, it's a range. We're all born with certain predisposition toward happiness and well-being. Some people are born more with, you know, the smiley face with the smiley spoon in their mouth; others less so. And we're all somewhere on this, you know bell curve, some people luckier than others. As I mentioned couple of times before, I wasn't born that lucky. I was born more on the anxious side of this curve not with the…with the happy spoon in my mouth, which by the way I think helps me teach this class, because I do these things, I apply these things, I make a difference in my life. you know, been there, done that, doing it. I can speak from personal experiences as you know. Now some people may look at it and say. Well, my answer to that is…it's not terri…it's not good. It's not bad. It is the law of gravity. It's not good it's not bad. It is and nature to be commanded must be obeyed. We need to look at our nature, understand it and then make the best of it. About 50 percent of our levels of well-being of the variance in explaining happiness can't be accounted for by genes, which explains some of the results, or for example, the twin studies. Why there were such similarities among the twins even if they were, or between the twins, even if they were real depart. Because genes matter. Not good, not bad. It is. They matter 50 percent, not 100 percent—thank God—but 50 percent of the variance. The important thing to keep in mind is that we have a lot of control what we do with these genes, and I'm just throwing out numbers. I don't know what it is exactly. But successful basketball players is determined 50 percent by genes in terms of how much fast twitch versus slow twitch they have in their muscles, or how high they can jump, how coordinated they are, how tall they are. All these things matter. However, if Michael Jordan hadn't worked on his basketball, I would be a better player than he is. If he didn't work on his basketball at all, and I did and do. In 561 other words, also with genes, people who don't work on their happiness even if they have the best of genes will not do as well as people with less happy genes who work on it. So work matters a great deal. The second thing that matters which makes up the hundred percent of variance of happiness is external circumstances. Of course, external circumstances make a lot of difference, whether we're living in a free country versus oppression. That makes a lot of difference. However, in general, external circumstances beyond the extremes, beyond being homeless on the street make very little difference, in fact, about 10% of the total variance. So genetic genes 50%, external circumstances such as place of residence, such as income, such as weather—and again not for people, for example, who have seasonal affective disorder. Then of course it matters whether we get sun or not. I'm talking about…um…most people, not people with SAD. So out of these extremes, external circumstances make, matter about 10%, not much. The third thing, the rest of the 40% is accounted for by intentional activities. What that means is what we do, how we act, what we think about, how we interpret the world, what we focus on. In essence, what 1504 is about. What we have discussed since the first class, what we're gonna discuss even more in the second half of the semester. These intentional activities, our focus, these are essentially our ABCs. This is what real meaningful change comes. And this is where we are gonna focus. It would be nice if we could do something with our genes. It would be nice. Cannot. It would be nice if we had more control of our external circumstances. But even if we did and many people do, many people sitting in this room or watching at home, do have more control doesn't make that much of the difference. What makes the most difference that we have control over are the internal activities, our interpretation of the world and our action. So let's jump into it. The A—Affect, emotion, the heart, it's a connection between—and it's a more 562 logical connection—linguistic connection between emotion, motivation, motion. Emotion to move away. Without emotion we wouldn't move. You read about it in the book. Or you will read about it in the book about Elliott, who just lost his emotional faculty and with it lost all motivation to act or do anything even though his cognition was in place. We need emotion in order to move. So I wanna talk about again, two aspects within emotion. The first—gradual change. The Second—more acute change. The gradual change is a mindful meditation. Mindful meditation is arguably the most powerful intervention for bringing about calm and equanimity. A lot of research on it, we're gonna spend a whole week talking about it. Today what I wanna do is just to introduce it, the basic, the foundation of the spiral of mindfulness. Jon Kabatt-Zin who in many ways is responsible for bringing serious research into this realm. He along with people like Tara Bennett-Goleman, people like Herbert Benson from the medical school here, brought serious research to this what was considered a mystical field. ―Cultivating mindfulness can lead to the discovery of deep realms of relaxation, calmness and insight within yourself. The path to it in any moment lies no farther than your own body This is the amazing thing about mindfulness.‖ When we talk about research, quite literally mind-boggling, I mean they change the way our mind works, transform our brain just by focusing on the breath, by focusing on parts of our body, by being present. "All of us have the capacity to be mindful. All it involves is cultivating our ability to pay attention in the present moment." Let's experience it just for a minute or two. So here is what I'd like you to do once again if you feel comfortable with it. So sit back on your…on your chair with your back against…against the back rest. Make yourself as comfortable as you can. Plant both feet on the ground comfortably. And if you feel comfortable, if you feel comfortable, just close your eyes. And move your attention to your breathing. Take a deep breath in, into your belly. Slow, quiet, gentle exhalation. Deep slow inhalation, all the way into your belly. Slow, gentle, quiet, long exhalation. If you 563 mind wanders, just return to your breathing. Now in your mind's eye, just scan your body—your forehand, your eyes, your nose, mouth, your neck, your chest, your up