英语幽默短文1

英语幽默短文1 [幽默] I Wasn't Asleep I Wasn't Asleep When a group of women got on the car, every seat was already occupied. The conductor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep, and fearing he might miss his stop, he nudged him and said: "Wake up, sir!" "I wasn't asleep." the man answered. "Not asleep? But you had your eyes closed." "I know. I just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me in a crowded car." 我没有睡着 当一群妇女上车之后，车上的座位全都被占满了。售票员注意到一名男子好象是睡着了，他担心这个人会坐过站，就用肘轻轻地碰了碰他，说:“先生，醒醒～” “我没有睡着。”那个男人回答。 “没睡着,可是你眼睛都闭上了呀,” “我知道，我只是不愿意看到在拥挤的车上有女士站在我身边而已。” “I'm sorry five.” “I'm sorry five.” 有个人刚学外语，这天在街上走，不小心踩了一个老外的脚，那人急忙说:“I'm sorry.” 老外也礼貌地说了句:“I'm sorry,too.” 那人一听，急忙回了句:“I'm sorry ,three.” 老外一听傻了，问道:“What are you sorry for? ” 那人无奈地说:“I'm sorry, five.” 英语幽默选(1) 英语幽默 The insane asylum (疯人院) Late one night at the insane asylum (疯人院)one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!" Another one said, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!" 疯人院 一天晚上，在疯人院里，一个病人说:"我是拿破仑～" 另一个说:"你怎么知道," 第一个人说:"上帝对我说的～" 一会儿，一个声音从另一个房间传来:"我没说～" Improvement One student said to another: "How are your English lessons coming along?" "Fine. I used to be one who couldn't understand the English men, and now it's the English men who can't understand me." 进步 一位学生对另一位说:“你的英语最近学的怎么样,” “很好，我过去不懂英国人说话，可现在是英国人不懂我的话了。” All Except the Music A keen young teacher wanted to introduce her class to the glories of classical music, so she arranged an outing to an afternoon concert. To make the occasion even more memorable, she treated everyone to lemonade, cake, chocs and ices. Just as the party was getting back into their coach, she said to little Sally, "Have you enjoyed yourself today?" "Oh, yes, miss!" said Sally, "It was lovely. All except the music, that is." 除了音乐 一位热心的年轻教师想让她的学生多了解一点优秀的古典音乐，就安排了一 天下午去听音乐会。为了使这次活动能给大家留下更深的印象，她请大家喝柠檬 汽水、吃点心、巧克力和冰淇淋。在大家回来上汽车的时候，她问小萨莉:“你 今天玩得好吗,” “噢，好极了，小姐，” 萨莉说，“除了音乐其它都很好。” 英语幽默选(2) Half or Five Tenths? Teacher: Would you rather have one half of an orange or five tenths? Gerald: I'd much rather have the half. Teacher: Think carefully, and tell me why. Gerald: Because you lose too much juice when you cut the orange into five tenths. 半个还是十分之五 老师:你愿意要半个柑橘，还是十分之五个柑橘, 杰拉得:我宁可要半个。 老师:仔细想想，说出理由来。 杰拉得:因为你如果把柑橘切成十分之五，那柑橘汁就损失太多了。 The Reason of Being Late Teacher: Johnny, why are you late for school every morning? Johnny: Every time I come to the corner, a guidepost says, 'School -- Go Slow'. 迟到的原因 老 师:约翰尼，为什么你每天早晨都迟到, 约翰尼:每当我经过学校附近的拐角处，就见路牌上写着‘学校,缓行’。 When Do People Talk Least? Student A: When do people talk least? Student B: In February. Student A: Why? Student B: Because February is the shortest month of a year. 人们什么时候说话最少, 学生甲:人们在什么时候说话最少, 学生乙:在二月。 学生甲:为什么呢, 学生乙:因为二月是一年中最短的一个月。 英语幽默选(3) The plural Form of "Child" Teacher: What is the plural of man, Tom? Tom: Men. Teacher: Good. And the plural of child? Tom: Twins. "孩子"的复数形式 老师:汤姆，‘男人’这个词的复数形式是什么, 汤姆:男人们。 老师:答得好。那‘孩子’的复数形式呢, 汤姆:双胞胎。 My Sister's Fingers Teacher: Kevin, why are you late this time? Kevin: Please sir, I bruised two fingers knocking in a nail at home. Teacher: I don't see any bandages. Kevin: Oh, they weren't my fingers! I told my little sister to hold the nail. 我妹妹的手指头 老师:凯温，这次你怎么又迟到了, 凯温:对不起，老师，我在家钉钉子，砸坏了两个手指头。 老师:怎么没有扎绷带呀, 凯温:噢，砸的不是我的手指头，我叫小妹妹扶着钉子的。 The Climate of New Zealand Teacher: Matthew, what is the climate of New Zealand? Matthew: Very Cold, sir. Teacher: Wrong. Matthew: But, sir! When they send us meat it always arrives frozen! 新西兰的气候 老师:马修，新西兰的气候怎么样, 马修:先生，那里的天气很冷。 老师:错了。 马修:可是，先生～从那儿运来的猪肉都冻得硬邦邦的。 Lightning Teacher: Why is it said that lightning never strikes the same place twice? Roy: Because after it's struck once , the same place isn't there any more! 闪电 老师:为什么说闪电从来不会两次击中同一个地方, 罗伊:因为它击中一个地方一次以后，那个地方就不存在了。 英语幽默选(4) Essay Teacher had set his class an essay in "A Game of Cricket". After two minutes, Simon Steel handed his paper in and was allowed to go home. His essay read: "Rain, stopped play." 作文 老师给学生出了个作文题:“一场板球赛”。两分钟后，西蒙。斯蒂尔交了作文，老师允许他回家了。他在作文上写道:“下雨，比赛终止。” How Many Rabbits? Teacher: Now, Jonathan, if I gave you three rabbits and then the next day I gave you five rabbits, how many rabbits would you have? Jonathan: Nine, sir. Teacher: Nine? Jonathan: I've got one already, sir. 多少只兔子, 老师: 好，乔纳森，假如我给你三只兔子，第二天我又给你五只，你一共有多少只兔子, 乔纳森: 一共有九只，先生。 老师: 九只, 乔纳森:先生，我本来就有一只。 To Go to Heaven Sunday School teacher: Hands up all those who want to go to Heaven? Hands up ..... what about you, Terry? You haven't got your hand up -- don't you want to go to Heaven? " Terry: I can't. My Mum told me to go straight home. 去天堂 主日学校的教员:想去天堂的人举起手来，把手举起来。。。你呢，哈里,你还没举手呢-- 你不想去天堂吗, 哈里: 我去不了，因为妈妈让我一放学就回家。 [幽默] 我们的尾巴Our Tails The lecturer on evolution had been going on for nearly two hours, then he started again, and he said: "Let me ask the evolutionist a question --- if we had tails like a baboon, where are they?" " I'll venture an answer, " said an old lady. "We have worn them off sitting here so long.". 我们的尾巴 教进化论的老师已经滔滔不绝地讲了快两个小时，他的话题又来了:“让我 向进化论者提个问题——如果我们曾经像狒狒那样长着尾巴，那么现在尾巴到哪 里去了,” “我来试试看，”一位老太太说。 “该是我们在这里坐这么久把它们磨掉了吧。” The Umbrella 雨伞 The Umbrella A gentleman staying in a hotel left his umbrella in the hall, but he had put on the handle a card on which was written: "This umbrella belongs to a gentleman who can lift up a hundred pounds. I shall be back in ten minutes." When he came back, he found, instead of his umbrella, another card on which was written: "This card belongs to a man who can run ten miles an hour. I shall not come back." 雨伞 一位住在旅馆的绅士把他的雨伞放在了大厅里，不过他在伞柄上系了一张卡片，上面写 道:“此伞属于一位能举百磅的绅士。我将在十分钟内回来。” 当他回来时，发现雨伞已经不翼而飞，取而代之的是另一张卡片，上面写着:“此卡是 一位一小时能跑十英里的人留下的，我将永远不回来。” 分享一切 Always Share! 分享一切 Always Share! An old couple went into a restaurant and ordered something to eat: one Coca Cola and one portion of French fries. The old man sat down and the woman, his wife, sat opposite him, and he began to divide the Coca Cola into two glasses, half for him and half for his wife. He divided all the French fries half-and-half. He gave half to his wife and kept half for himself. Then he began to eat and drink,and the woman just drank but didn't eat. There was a young man who was standing next to the table and wondering why the old man had divided everything in half, and he thought that maybe they didn't have any money. He said to the old couple, "Okay, I can buy you one more portion; you don't have to share like that." The old man explained, "No, no, no, we have been married for forty years and we always share everything. Whatever we have, we share half and half. Don't worry, but thank you, anyhow." But then after a while, he saw that the woman wasn't eating eat, and only the man ate, and he asked, "Why aren't you eating?" And the wife said, "Today it's his turn to use the teeth." 分享一切 有一对老夫妇到速食店去，叫了一罐可乐和一份薯条。然后他们面对面坐下来，那位老先生先把可乐 分成两杯，一杯给他自己，另一杯给他太太。接着他又将薯条分成两份，一份给他太太、一份给自己。然 后他开始吃薯条、喝可乐，但是他的太太只是喝可乐，不吃薯条。 一个年轻人刚好站在旁边，看到老先生把每样食物都分成两半，觉得很奇怪，他想或许他们没有钱， 便跟老夫妇说:“我可以再买一份给你们，你们就不用这样分了。” 老先生解释说:“不、不～我们结婚四十年了，一直都是分享每件事物，什么东西都是一个人分一半。 不用担心我们，不过还是谢谢你的好意。” 过了一会儿，他看只有老先生吃着薯条，老太太没吃，便问老太太:“你为什么都不吃呢,”老太太 说:“今天轮到他用牙齿。” 时间对猪有什么意义,What's time to a pig? What's time to a pig One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads, see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living. The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree. The city man said to the farmer,“I see that your pig likes apples, but isn”t that quite a waste of time?” The farmer replied,“What's time to a pig?” 一天～有一个从城里来的游客来到一个小乡村～在乡间路上兜风～想看看 农庄是什么样子～大概也想看看农夫怎样过日子。 这位城里人看见一位农夫在后院的草地上～手中抱着一头猪～并举得高高的～ 好让它能吃到树上的苹果。城里人对农夫说～“我看你的猪挺喜欢吃苹果的～但 这不是很浪费时间吗,” 那位农夫回答说～“时间对猪有什么意义,” Great event 重大事件 重大事件 Teacher: What great event happened in 1809? Little Willy: Abraham Lincoln was born. Teacher: Correct. And what great event happened in 1812? Little Willy: Abraham Lincoln had his third birthday. 老 师:1809年发生了什么重大事件, 小威利:亚伯拉罕-林肯诞生。 老 师:正确。那么1812年发生了什么重要事件呢, 小威利:亚伯拉罕-林肯过他的三周岁生日。 Kids say it all Kids say it all Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said " Bobby, when I was a child I was told that if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and stay like that". Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned." 童言无忌 游戏场上一个学生正在对着其他孩子做鬼脸，史密斯太太看到后，温柔地制止并教育了他。 这位主日教师微笑着说:“鲍比，我小的时候听说过，做鬼脸的小孩脸会被定格在那个丑丑的样子上， 并且再也变不回来了哦。” 鲍比抬头看了看她，说:“啧啧，史密斯太太，人家都警告过你了~” A Girl Just Like Mother A Girl Just Like Mother No matter which girls he brought home, the young man found disapproval from his mother. A friend gave him advice. "Find a girl just like your mother -- then, she's bound to like her." So the young man searched and searched, and finally found the girl. He told his friendly adviser: "Just like you said, I found a girl who looked, talked, dressed, and even cooked like mother. And just as you said, mother liked her". "So," asked the friend, "what happened?" "Nothing," said the young man. "My father hates her!". Bring me the Winner Bring me the Winner --- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw. --- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight. --- Well, bring me the winner then. 给我那个打赢的吧 --- 服务员，这个龙虾只有一只爪。 --- 对不起，先生，这只肯定打过架了。 --- 哦， 那给我那个打赢的吧。 店铺十大经典口号 店铺十大经典口号 1. Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming." 一家消声器店外:"根本不用预约，我们听到你来了～" 2. Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people." 酒店门外:"帮帮忙～我们缺少常住小酒馆的人。" 3. On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left." 接待室的桌上:"三个一轮～我们要毫不留情地赶走第三个推销员～注:第二个刚刚离开。" 4. In a veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!" 兽医的候诊内:"稍候5分钟。趴下，别动～" 5. At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be." 在电气公司:"如果你送来钞票，我们会很高兴;如果你不送，就会被断电。" 6. On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte." 电脑专卖店门上:"出去找一个更快的字节。" 7. In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up." 餐馆橱窗:"别饿着肚子傻呆在那儿，进来吧，吃顿饱饭～" 8. Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop." 在保龄球馆:"保持安静，我们需要倾听大头针落地。" 9. In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait." 在墓地的前院:"开车当心，我们会等着你的。" 10. In a counselors office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional. 在咨询师办公室:"变老是由上帝控制的，变聪明是由自己控制的。 英语幽默两则 Logic Reasoning A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson on logic. "Here is the situation," she said. "a man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yellin g for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows that he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?" A girl raised her hand and asked, "to draw out all of his savings?" 逻辑推理 小学四年级的教师正在给学生们上一堂逻辑课。她举了这么一个例子:“有这样一种情况，一个男人在河中心的船上钓鱼，突然失去重心掉进了水里。于是他开始挣扎并喊救命。他的妻子听到了他的喊声，知道他并不会游泳，所以她就急忙跑向河岸。谁能告诉我这是为什么,” 一个女生举手答道，“是不是去取他的存款,” [注意一次多义] bank 银行、河岸 Bedtime Prayers Julie was saying her bedtime prayers. "Please God," she said, "Make Naples the capital of Italy. Make Naples the capital of Italy." Her mother interrupted and said, "Julie, why do you want God to make Naples the capital of Italy?" And Julie replied, "Because that's what I put in my geography exam!" 睡前祷告词 朱莉叶在做睡前祷告。“祷告上帝，”她说，“让那不勒斯成为意大利的首都吧。让那不勒斯成为意大利的首都吧。” 妈妈打断她说:“朱莉叶，你为什么求上帝让那不勒斯成为意大利的首都呢,” 朱莉叶回答说:“因为我在地理考卷上是这么写的。” 几则英语笑话故事 He won! Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself. Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen? Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won. 他赢了 汤姆: 约翰尼，你小弟弟好吗, 约翰尼:他害病卧床了。他受了伤。 汤姆: 真糟糕，怎么回事儿, 约翰尼:我们做游戏，看谁能把身子探出窗外最远，他赢了。 I Have His Ear in My Pocket Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?" " A kid bit me," replied Ivan. " Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother. " I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket." 他的耳朵在我衣兜里 伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事,” “一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。 “再见到他你 能认出来吗,”妈妈问。 “他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。” A Good Boy Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?" " I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered. " You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?" " She is the one who sells the candy." 好孩子 小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。 “昨天给你的钱干什么了,” “我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。“你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。 “再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢,” “她是个卖糖果的。” Drunk One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk." "But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!" 醉酒 一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。 他向父亲发问道:“爸爸，„醉?字是什么意思,” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我 把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀～” Hospitality The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy. 好客 由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时，家里没有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了 屋子。过了一会儿，他拿着一片奶酪回到房间，把奶酪放在客人的盘子里。 客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说: “孩子，你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪,” “在捕鼠夹上，先生。”那小男孩说。 狐狸和葡萄 One hot summer day a fox was walking through an orchard. He stopped before a bunch of grapes. They were ripe and juicy. " I'm just feeling thirsty," he thought. So he backed up a few paces, got a running start, jumped up, but could not reach the grapes. He walked back. One, two, three, he jumped up again, but still, he missed the grapes. The fox tried again and again, but never succeeded. At last he decided to give it up. He walked away with his nose in the air, and said“I am sure they are sour.” 狐狸和葡萄 一个炎热的夏日，狐狸走过一个果园，他停在一大串熟透而多汁的葡萄前。 狐狸想:“我正口渴呢。”于是他后退了几步，向前一冲，跳起来，却无法够到葡萄。 狐狸后退又试。一次，两次，三次，但是都没有得到葡萄。 狐狸试了一次又一次，都没有成功。最后，他决定放弃，他昂起头,边走边说:“葡萄还没有成熟，我敢 肯定它是酸的。” 凯特的礼物 Kate's present Kate's present Kate: Mom, do you know what I'm going to give you for your birthday? Mom: No, honey, what? Kate: A nice teapot. Mom: But I've got a nice teapot. Kate: No, you haven't. I've just dropped it. 幽默: I'm Sure I'm sure A little boy came home with a five-dollar bill and said he found it.“Are you sure it was lost?” asked his mother. “Sure, I'm sure,” said the little boy.“I saw the man looking for it.”