英语笑话

英语笑话 Teacher:Why are you late for school every morning? Tom:Every time I come to the corner,a sign says,"School-Go slow". 老师:为什么你每天早晨都迟到? 汤姆:每当我经过学校的拐角处,僦看见一个牌子仩写着"学校----慢行". Do You Know My Work, One night a hotel caught fire， and the people who were staying in it ran out in their night clothes( Two men stood outside and looked at the fire( “Before I came out，” said one，“I ran into some of the rooms and found a lot of money( People don't think of money when they're afraid( When anyone leaves paper money in a fire， the fire burns it( So I took all the bills that I could find(No one will be poorer because I took them(” “You don't know my work，” said the other( “What is your work,” “I'm a policeman( “Oh～” cried the first man( He thought quickly and said，“And do you know my work,”“No，”said the policeman( “I'm a writer( I'm always telling stories about things that never happened(” 译文:(自己简单翻译) 你知道我是干什么的吗, 一天晚上，一家旅馆失火，住在这家旅馆里的人穿着睡 衣就跑了出来。 两个人站在外面，看着大火。 “在我出来之前，”其中一个说:“我跑进一些房间，找到了一大笔钱。人在恐惧中 是不会想到钱的。如果有人把纸币留在火里，火就会把它烧成灰烬。所以我把我 所能找到的钞票都拿走了。没有人会因为我拿走它们而变得更穷。” “你不知道我是干什么的。”另一个说。 “你是干什么的,” “我是警察。” “噢～”第一个人喊了一声。他灵机一动，说:“那你知道我是干什么的,”“不知道。” 警察说。 “我是个作家。我总是爱编一些从未发生过的故事。” Who is the laziest Father:Well,Jack,I talked with your teacher today .And now I want to ask you a question ,Who is the laziest person inyour class ? Jack:I don`t know ,father. Father:Oh,think!When other boys and girls are reading and wirting ,who sits quietly and only watch how other people word? Jack:Our teacher ,father. 1 他赢了 汤姆:约翰尼，你小弟弟好吗, 约翰尼:他害病卧床了。他受了伤。 汤姆:真糟糕，怎么回事儿, 约翰尼:我们做游戏，看谁能把身子探出窗外最远，他赢了。 I Have His Ear in My Pocket Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?" "A kid bit me," replied Ivan. "Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother. "I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket." 讲讲欧初中上英语课时的笑话 1 初中英语老师爱让同学们背课文。一次期中考试，有背诵分。老师说:“这次 考背诵，可以允许同学们先把课文翻译成中文，背诵时看着中文背英文课文”。 一同学W，不爱学习，更没有背课文的习惯，经常被老师骂。考试时，轮到该同 学背诵了，我们都幸灾乐祸地等着老师骂他。只见该同学让老师看了一下稿子(在 老师面前晃一下)，然后，手拿中文稿看着，英文课文朗朗上口，一会儿就背完 了～非常流利。我们都惊奇的看着他~~~~~~完了，老师连声夸奖有进步，有进步， 还让我们都向W同学学习~~~~~~~~~~ 老师走后，有几个同学去向W同学请教取经，只见W同学笑眯眯的把手中的中文 稿给其他同学看，看后着几个同学眼睛都大了~~~~~~~~ 原来W同学的中文稿是课文英文读音的中文版，每个英文词的发音都用发音相同 的汉字代替。比如:英文:I am W. 中文:爱 暗母 W。~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Father's Things When Tom Howard was seventeen years old he was as tall as his father, so he began to borrow Mr. Howard's clothes when he wanted to go out with his friends in the evening. Mr. Howard did not like this, and he always got very angry when he found his son wearing any of his things. One evening when Tom came downstairs to go out, his father stopped him in the hall. He looked at Tom's clothes very carefully. Then he said angrily, "Isn't that one of my ties, Tom?" "Yes, Father, it is," answered Tom. "And that shirt's mine too." 2 "Yes, that's yours too," answered Tom. "And you're wearing my belt!" said Mr. Howard. "Yes, I am, Father," answered Tom. "You don't want your trousers to fall down, do you?" 父亲的东西 汤姆.霍德华十七岁的时候，长得和父亲一样高了，于是当他晚上和朋友一 起出去时，就开始借父亲的衣服穿。 霍德华先生可不喜欢这样，当他发现他的儿子穿他的衣服时，总是非常生气。 一天晚上，汤姆下楼准备出去，父亲在门厅里拦住了他。他细细打量着汤姆 的穿着。 然后他气呼呼地说:“汤姆，那不是我的一条领带吗,” 汤姆回答说:“是的，父亲，是你的领带。” “还有那衬衫也是我的。” “是的，衬衫也是你的。”汤姆回答说。 “还有呢，你连皮带也用我的。”霍德华先生说。 “是的，父亲，”汤姆回答说，“你不愿意让你的裤子掉下来吧,” A Soldier's Brilliant Idea Mr. Robinson had to travel somewhere on business, and as he was in a hurry, he decided to go by air. He liked sitting beside a window when he was flying, so when he got on to the plane, he looked for a window seat. He found all of them had already had been taken except for one. There was a soldier sitting in the seat beside this one, and Mr. Robinson was surprised that he had not taken the one by the window; but, anyhow, he at once went towards it. When he reached it, however, he saw that there was a notice on it. It was written in ink and said, "This seat is preserved for proper load balance, thank you." Mr Robinson had never seen such an unusual notice in a plane before, but he thought that the plane must be carrying something 3 particularly heavy in it, so he walked on and found another empty seat, not beside a window, to sit in. Two or three people tried to sit in the window seat beside the soldier, but they too read the notice and went on, when the plane was nearly full, a very beautiful girl hurried into the plane. The soldier, who was watching the passengers coming in, quickly took the notice off the seat beside himself and in this way succeededin having the company of the girl during the whole trip. 英语幽默:士兵坐飞机有美女陪伴的高招 由于生意方面的事，罗宾逊先生得出趟门。因为有点紧急，他决定坐飞机。 乘机旅行时，他喜欢靠窗坐，故而一登机，他就寻找一个靠窗的座位。他发现只 有一个靠窗的座位还空着。在那空座位边坐着一名士兵。令罗宾逊先生纳闷的是， 这位士兵没有坐靠窗的位置。罗宾逊先生不管那些，他马上径直朝那个空座位走 去。 然而，等到了那儿，他看见座位上有则启事，是用钢笔写的:“为保持装载 平衡，特预设该位置，谢谢合作。”罗宾逊先生还从来没有在飞机上见过如此不 同寻常的启事。不过，他想飞机上一定装了什么特别重的物品，于是他找了个不 靠窗的位置。 又有两三个乘客试图坐在那个士兵旁的靠窗座位上，他们看到那则启事就走 开了。当快满座时，一位非常美丽的姑娘匆匆走进机舱。一直在注意进舱旅客的 那个士兵赶紧拿掉他旁边空座位上的启事。士兵用这种办法，成功地找到了一位 姑娘一路作伴。 Beware of Dog! 小心有狗! As a stranger entered a little country store, he noticed a sign warning, "Danger! Beware of dog!" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" he asked the owner. "Yep, that's him," came the reply. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world 4 would you post that sign?" "Because," the owner explained, "Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him!" 一名陌生人走进一家乡间小商店，看到玻璃门上帖着的一个告示牌上写着， “危险! 小心有狗!” 进去后，他看到一条样子一点都不凶的老狗趴在收款机 旁边的地板上睡觉。 “这就是大伙都得留神的那只狗啊,” 陌生人问店主。 “是，就是他”，店主回答。 听到这个回答， 陌生人觉得很好笑。“我觉得那 条狗一点都不可怕。 你帖那个告示做什么,” “因为，” 店主解释说，“在 我帖告示之前， 大伙老被他绊倒。” All-purpose Dissolvent A young man saw Edison,said : “I wanna(=want to ) develop a sort of all-purpose dissolvent, by which can dissolve(溶解) all materials.” Edison asked a question in reply : “ In that case, what container shall you hold it with?” 一个后生找到爱迪生,说:“我准备研制一种万能溶剂,它能溶解一切物质。” 爱迪生反问:“那你用什么来盛它呢?” Airport Astewardessworeasparklinggoldnecklace,aplanemodelasadrop,lookingu niqueandprofessional.Detectingthatsomebodyaroundwaslookingather,sheas kedgracefully:“Isitpretty?” “Verypretty,buttheairportlooksmorefascinating(迷人的).” Theotherpartywisecracked(说俏皮话). 有位空姐带着亮灿灿的金项链,项坠儿系一小飞机,显得别致而有职业特点。 她发现有人在看,便大方地问了一句:“它漂亮吗?”“漂亮极了,不过,飞机场更 漂亮!”对方俏皮地说 Anxious The wife says to the neighbor:" My husband has not returned all the night; I do not know where he went . It really gives me a hangup(难以摆脱的烦恼,焦虑)!" 5 An insider(知情人) says:" Let it be. Would you know where he went, I dare to say that you would be more anxious ." 妻子对邻居说:“丈夫一晚上都没回家,也不知道他干什么去了 ,真叫我着 急!” 一个知情人说:“算了,你要知道他干什么去了,我敢说你会更着急。” I'll See to the Rest A guard was about to signal his train to start when he saw an attractive girl standing on the platform by an open door, talking to another pretty girl inside the carriage. 一位车上的列车员刚发出信号让火车启动,这时他看见一位很漂亮的姑娘站 在站台上一节打开的车厢门旁边,跟车厢里另一位漂亮姑娘在说话。 "Come on, miss!" he shouted. "Shut the door, please!" “快点,小姐!”他喊道:“请把门关上。” "Oh, I just want to kiss my sister goodbye," she called back. “噢,我还没有和妹妹吻别呢。”她回答道。 "You just shut that door, please," called the guard, "and I'll see to the rest." “请把门关上好了,”列车员说:“其余的事由我负责。” First Flight第一次坐飞机 Mr. Johnson had never been up in an aerophane before and he had read a lot about air accidents, so one day when a friend offered to take him for a ride in his own small phane, Mr. Johnson was very worried about accepting. Finally, however, his friend persuaded him that it was very safe, and Mr. Johnson boarded the plane. 约翰逊先生从前未乘过飞机，他读过许多关于飞行事故的报道。所以，有一 天一位朋友邀请他乘自己的小飞机飞行时，约翰逊先生非常担心，不敢接受。不 6 过，由于朋友不断保证说飞行是很安全的，约翰逊先生终于被说服了，登上了飞 机。 His friend started the engine and began to taxi onto the runway of the airport. Mr. Johnson had heard that the most dangerous part of a flight were the take-off and the landing, so he was extremely frightened and closed his eyes. 他的朋友启动引擎开始在机场跑道上滑行。约翰逊先生听说飞行中最危险的 是起飞与降落，所以他吓得紧闭双眼。 After a minute or two he opened them again, looked out of the window of the plane, and said to his friend, "Look at those people down there. They look as small as ants, don't they?" 过了一两分钟，他睁开双眼朝窗外望去，接着对朋友说道:“看下面那些人， 他们看起来就象蚂蚁一样小，是不是,” "Those are ants," answered his friend. "We're still on the ground." “那些就是蚂蚁，”他的朋友答道，“我们还在地面上。” My First and My Last第一次与最后一次 When George was thirty-five, he bought a small plane and learned to fly it. He soon became very good and made his plane do all kinds of tricks. 乔治35岁时买了架小型飞机，并开始学习驾驶。不久，他就能很娴熟地驾 机做各种各样的特技飞行了。 George had a friend. His name was Mark. One day George offered to take Mark up in his plane. Mark thought, "I've travelled in a big plane several times, but I've never been in a small one, so I'll go." 乔治有个朋友名叫马克。一天，乔治主动邀请马克乘他的飞机上天兜一圈。 马克心想，“我乘大客机飞行过好几次，还从来没有乘过小飞机，我不妨试一试。” They went up, and George flew around for half an hour and did all kinds of tricks in the air. 升空后，乔治飞了有半个小时，在空中做了各种各样的飞行特技。 7 When they came down again, Mark was very glad to be back safely, and he said to his friend in a shaking voice, "Well, George, thank you very much for those two trips in your plane." 后来他们着陆了。马克很高兴能够安全返回地面。他用颤抖的声音对他的朋 友说:“乔治，非常感谢你让我乘小飞机做了两次飞行。” Gerogy was very surprised and said, "Two trips?" 乔治非常吃惊地问:“两次飞行,” "Yes, my first and my last," answered Mark. “是的，我的第一次和最后一次。”马克答道。 英文笑话――最佳时间 Best Time Teacher: When is the best time to pick the fruit from the trees? Student: When the watchman is not here. 最佳时间 老师:从树上摘水果的最佳时间是什么时候, 学生:当看守人不在的时候。 英文笑话――最好的办法 Best Way Mary loved Tom, but she worried about all the money he squandered when they went out together. "How can I stop Tom from spending so much money on me?"She asked her mother. "Marry him!" 最好的办法 玛丽很爱汤姆，但是她对他们一起出去时，汤姆所有乱花的钱很发愁。“我 怎么做才能阻止汤姆在我身上花那么多的钱呢,”她问她妈妈。 “嫁给他。” 英文笑话――只算现金和信用卡 Only cash and credit cards When a man called a motel and asked how much they charged for 8 a room, the clerk told him that the rates depend on room size and number of people. " Do you take children?" the man asked. "No, sir," replied the clerk. "Only cash and credit cards." 只算现金和信用卡 一个人打电话给一家汽车旅馆询问房租，旅馆的工作人员回答说 房租的多 少取决于房间的大小和住客的人数。 “小孩儿算不算呢,”那人问道。 “不算，先生。”服务员回答，“我们只算现金和信用卡。” 英文笑话――只剩一个引擎 One Engine Left A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker, "Attention, passengers. We have lost one of our engines, but we can certainly reach London with the three we have left. Unfortunately, we will arrive an hour late as a result." Shortly thereafter, the passengers heard the captain's voice again, "Guess what, folks. We just lost our third engine, but please be assured we can fly with only one. We will now arrive in London three hours late." At this point, one passenger became furious. "For Pete's sake," he shouted, "If we lose another engine, we'll be up here all night!" 只剩一个引擎 一架747客机正在跨越大西洋时，喇叭里传来了机长的声音:“旅客们请注 意，我们的四个引擎中有一个丢失了。但剩下的三个引擎会把我们带到伦敦的。 只是我们要因此晚到一小时 。” 过了一会儿，旅客们又听到机长的声音:“各 位，你们猜怎么啦 ,我们刚又掉了第三个引擎。但请你们相信好了。只有一个 引擎我们也能飞，但要晚三个小时了。” 正在这时，一位乘客非常气愤地说: “看在上帝的份上，如果我们再掉一个引擎，我们就要整夜都要呆在天上了。” 英文笑话――真正便宜的东西 Something Really Cheap After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?", he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a $50.00 bottle. "That's a bit much", said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. 9 "That's still quite a bit", Tim complained. Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean", said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap." The clerk handed him a mirror. 真正便宜的东西 做完生意回来后，提姆觉得应该给妻子带点什么礼物回去。 “那些香水怎么卖啊,”他问卖化妆品的售货员。售货员给他展示了一支价值50美元的香水。 “看起来好像有点贵哦～”提姆说道。于是售货员又拿出一款30美元的香水。 “还是贵了点。”提姆抱怨道。 售货员开始有点恼火了，就给提姆一瓶很小的香水，价值15美元。 “我的意思是，”提姆说，“我想看看一些真正便宜的东西。” 售货员听了后，递给了提姆一面镜子。 英文笑话――憎恨女孩 Hating Girls Two boys were watching TV when the fabulous78 face and figure of Demi Moore appeared on the screen. "If I ever stop hating girls," said one to the other, "I think I'll stop hating her first's." 憎恨女孩 两个男孩正在看电视，见到黛咪•摩尔令人难以置信的面孔和身段。“如果要我不再憎恨女孩，”一个对另一个说，“我想我会从她开始。” 英文笑话――约会 Dating for Mother When the young waitress in the café in Tom's building started waving hello everyday. Tom was flattered, for she was at least 15 years younger than he. One day she waved and beckoned to Tom again. When Tom strolled over, she asked, "Are you single?" "Why, yes," Tom replied, smiling at her broadly. "So is my mom," she said. "Would you like to meet her?" 约会 在汤姆工作的大楼里有一个咖啡屋，那儿总有一位小姐每天都和他打招呼。汤姆有些受宠若惊，因为这位小姐看上去至少比他年轻15岁。一天她又对汤姆 10 招手并示意汤姆过去。于是汤姆走了过去。她问道，“您现在是单身吗,” “对， 是单身，”汤姆满脸堆笑的说。 “我母亲也是，”她说，“您愿不愿意见见她,” 英文笑话――一种新药 A New Drug Jack:I have invented a new drug which could kill lice effectively. Tom:That's wonderful. How is it used? Jack:When you catch a louse, just put a little of that drug on its mouth and it will die immediately. 一种新药 杰克:我发明了一种新药能有效地杀死虱子。 汤姆:太棒了。怎么用呢, 杰克:你捉到一只虱子，只要在它嘴上抹一点这种药，虱子就会死去。 英文笑话――一项新纪录 A New Record Airman(After landing in a tree):I was trying to make a new record. Farmer:You did. You're the first man to climb down that tree before climbing up it. 一项新纪录 飞行员(着陆在树上之后):我在试图创造一项新的纪录。 农夫:你已经做到了。你是第一个不用爬上树就从树上爬下来的人。 英文笑话――无害的蚂蚁 A medical student doing a rotation in toxicology at a poison control center told this story to his local newspaper. "Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she'd better bring her daughter into the Emergency Room right away." 无害的蚂蚁 11 一名在毒控中心暂时从事毒理学研究的医科学生向当地一家报纸讲述了下 面这个故事。“今天，一个女人非常焦急地打来电话，因为她发现她的小女儿在 吃蚂蚁。我便马上安慰她说，蚂蚁是无害的，因而没有必要把她的女儿送到医院 来。她平静了下来，在要结束通话的时候，她顺带提到她给女儿服用了一些灭蚁 药以便杀死那些蚂蚁。我对她说，那她最好立即把她女儿送到急诊室来。” 英语笑话――我自己过去 I'll Go There Myself There was once a landlord who always pretended he was knowledgeable though he was completely unable to read or write. One day when the landlord was chatting with his guests, a servant came in and gave him a letter which asked him to lend a cow. The landlord was afraid that his guests would know he was unable to read or write, so he opened the envelope and glanced over the words. Then he said to the servant, "OK, please tell him I'll go there myself in a few minutes." 我自己过去 从前，有一个地主是个既不会读也不会写的文盲，但他却偏要在人前装作很 有学问。一天，当地主正和宾客聊天的时候，仆人走进来递给他一封信，信上请 他出借一头牛。地主害怕被客人知道自己是个文盲，于是他打开信封，瞧了瞧信 上的字，然后对仆人说:“好的，你告诉他我等一下自己过去。” 英文笑话――我们什么也没留下 We Left Nothing Mrs Brown was going out for the day. She locked the house and tacked a note for the milkman on the door: "NOBODY HOME. DON'T LEAVE ANYTHING." When she got back that night, she found her door broken open and her house ransacked. On the note she had left, she found the following message added: "THANKS! WE HAVEN'T LEFT ANYTHING!" 我们什么也没留下 布朗太太要外出一天。 她锁好了房门，在门上给送牛奶的人钉了一张便条: “家里没人，请不要留下任何东西～” 她当天晚上回家后发现房间门被撞开， 房子被洗劫一空。在她留给送奶人的便条上，她发现被补充了一句:“谢谢～我 们什么也没留下～” 英文笑话――问 题 快递公司问题件快递公司问题件货款处理关于圆的周长面积重点题型关于解方程组的题及答案关于南海问题 广告 12 Ads Gone Bad 问题广告 千万不要以为这些是笑话～它们可是美国分类广告中的真实语言。这些句子 要不是语言模棱两可，可以这样理解，也可以那样理解;要不就是印错或使用错 了单词，造成了歧义。看来美国人还真是挺幽默的啊～ 裁缝广告 We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. 我们不使用机器撕毁您的衣服。我们会小心翼翼地用手撕。 (原意是要 表 关于同志近三年现实表现材料材料类招标技术评分表图表与交易pdf视力表打印pdf用图表说话 pdf 达:我们不使用机器，以避免撕毁您的衣服。我们会用手工小 心地修补衣服。) 家政广告 Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. 厌倦自己洗澡了吗,让我来帮你洗吧。 (原意是要表达:厌倦自己打扫房间了吗,让我来帮你做吧。) 宠物广告 Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. 出售小狗:不挑食，喜欢吃小孩。 (原意是要表达:出售小狗:不挑食，喜欢与儿童相处。) 二手车广告 UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first! UsedCars公司:为什么要去其它地方受骗呢,还是先来这里吧～ (原意是要表达:UsedCars公司:为什么要选择去别的地方,当心受骗～还 是先来我们这里看看～) 招聘广告 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred. 幼儿园招聘3岁大的老师。有经验者优先。 (原意:幼儿园招聘照看3岁幼童的老师。有经验者优先。) 公益广告 Illiterate? Write today for free help. 不识字吗,今天就写信请求得到免费帮助吧。 (原意是要表达:我们可以为不识字的人提供免费帮助。) 杀虫剂广告 13 Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours. (注:把意为“蚂蚁”的ants印成了意为“阿姨”的aunts;Zap是一种产品) 干掉阿姨:Zap在24小时内把一切搞定。 (原意是要表达:驱除蚂蚁:Zap在24小时内把一切搞定。) 保育广告 Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included. 注:误用了意为“掴掌”的smack，应该使用意为“零食”的snack ) 我们的保姆阿姨会照顾好你的孩子。我们的庭院装有保护杆，提供饭菜，小 孩还会被掌嘴。 (原意是要表达:我们的保姆阿姨会照顾好你的孩子。我们的庭院装有保护 杆，提供饭菜和零。) 英文笑话――他们都死了 They Are All Dead Teacher: Can you tell me anything about the great scientists of the 18th century? Pupil: Yes, sir, I can. They are all dead. 他们都死了 老师:你能告诉我关于18世纪的伟大科学家的一些什么事情吗, 学生:是的，先生。他们都死了。 英文笑话――是灯光吸引了他们 Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor? " "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see. "Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter." "Thanks be to..." 14 Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor holds up the baby for Mike's inspection. "Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?" 英文笑话――您的担心结束了 Worries Are Over Girl: Remember that vase you always worried I would break? Mom: Of course. What about it? Girl: Your worries are over. 您的担心结束了 女孩:还记得您总是担心我会搞破的那个花瓶吗, 妈妈:当然啦，怎么啦, 女孩:您的担心结束了。 英文笑话――你知道我是谁吗, Do You Know me? Boy: Isn't the principal a dummy? Girl: Say, do you know who I am? Boy: No. Girl: I'm the principal's daughter. Boy: And do you know who I am? Girl: No. Boy: Thanks goodness. 你知道我是谁吗, 男孩:那个校长难道不是个傻瓜吗, 女孩:喂，你知道我是谁吗, 男孩:不知道。 女孩:我是校长的女儿。 15 男孩:那么你知道我是谁吗, 女孩:不知道。 男孩:谢天谢地。 英文笑话――你娶了我的母亲 You Married Mine "Daddy,"said the little boy,"I want to get married." "Oh!"said his father jokingly,"Who did you have in mind?" "Grandma."said the little boy. "Wait a minute,"said his father."You didn't think I'd let you marry my mother, did you?" "Why not?"said the little boy."You married mine." 你娶了我的母亲 “爸爸，”小男孩说:“我要结婚。” “哦～”他父亲开玩笑地说:“你的意中人是谁呢,” “奶奶。”小男孩说。 “等一下。”他父亲说:“你不会以为我会让你娶我的母亲吧,” “为什么不呢,”小男孩说:“你娶的就是我母亲。” 英文笑――猫和老鼠 Cat and Mice Mrs Brown went to visit one of her friend and carried a small box with holes punched in the top. "What's in your box?" asked the friend. "A cat," answered Mrs Brown. "You see I've been dreaming about mice at night and I'm so scared! This cat is to catch them." "But the mice are only imaginary," said the friend. "So is the cat," whispered Mrs Brown. 猫和老鼠 布朗夫人去拜访一位朋友，她拿着一个顶部扎满了小眼儿的盒子。 “盒子里装的是什么,”， 朋友问道。 “一只小猫，”，布朗夫人回答说， 16 “你知道我晚上睡觉总梦见老鼠，我非常害怕。这只猫可以抓住那些老鼠。” “可老鼠都是假想的呀。”朋友说。 “小猫也是假想的。” 布朗夫人小声说道。 英文笑话――逻辑推理 Logic Reasoning A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. "Here is the situation," she said. "a man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows that he can'tm, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?" A girl raised her hand and asked, "to draw out all of his savings?" 逻辑推理 小学 小学生如何制作手抄报课件柳垭小学关于三违自查自纠报告小学英语获奖优质说课课件小学足球课教案全集小学语文新课程标准测试题 四年级的教师正在给学生们上一堂逻辑课。她举了这么一个例子:“有这样一种情况，一个男人在河中心的船上钓鱼，突然失去重心掉进了水里。于是他开始挣扎并喊救命。他的妻子听到了他的喊声，知道他并不会游泳，所以她就急忙跑向河岸。谁能告诉我这是为什么,” 一个女生举手答道，“是不是去取他的存款,” [注]bank在英语中除了我们平时很熟悉的“银行”之外，还有“河岸”的意思。 英文笑话――两颗心脏在跳动 TWO HEARTS BEATING Nurse: How do you feel after your operation? Patient: Quite alright, only I can feel two hearts beating inside me. Nurse: No wonder the doctor who operated on you was looking for his watch everywhere just now. 两颗心脏在跳动 护士:手术后你感觉怎样, 病人:十分好，只是我能感觉到我体内有两颗心脏在跳动。 护士:怪不得给你做手术的大夫刚才在到处寻找他的手表。 英文笑话——理所当然 Taken for Granted 17 THE SCHOOL HEALTH FORMS had been distributed to the students with an error---the word "Sex" had been spelled with an "o". One mother, filling out the form for her son, wrote in the blank next to "Sox": "Usually brown." 理所当然 某学校发给学生的健康调查表里有个错别字——把“性别”的“性”字写成 了“袜”字。一位母亲在为她的儿子填写表格时，在“袜别”的那栏填上了:“棕 色为主。” [注] 英语中sex(性)与sox(袜)只有一个字母之差。 英语笑话――老板和我 My Boss and I When I take a long time, I am slow. When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough. When I don't do it, I am lazy. When my boss doesn't do it, he is too busy. When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart. When my boss does the same, that is initiative. When I please my boss, I am ass-kissing. When my boss pleases his boss, he is co-operating. I do good, my boss never remembers. When I do wrong, he never forgets. 老板和我 我做事情花了长时间，是效率低; 老板做事情花了长时间，是深思熟虑。 我没有做完事情，是懒惰; 老板没有做完事情，是太繁忙。 没有人告诉我的事情我做了，是自作聪明; 老板做了同样的事情，是首创。 我取悦老板，是献媚; 老板取悦他的老板，是合作。 我干得好，老板从来不会想起; 我干得不好，老板从来不会忘记。 18 英文笑话――可是老师哭了 But the teacher cried The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled . His father knew it, but his grandma doted on him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum. Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms. When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door. "Was school all right?" she asked, "Did you get along all right? did you cry?" "Cry?" John asked. "No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!" 可是老师哭了 六岁的约翰娇生惯养。他的父亲知道这一点，可他的祖父母仍然宠着他。这 孩子几乎寸步不离他的祖母。他想要什么不是哭，就是闹。他第一天上学才离开 祖母的怀抱。 约翰放学了，他奶奶在门口接他并问道:“学校怎么样,你过的好吗,哭了 没有,” “哭,”约翰问，“不，我没哭，可老师哭了。” 英文笑话――酒鬼 A Drunkard A drunkard in a bar saw a man coming in with a duck under his arm and asked,"What are you doing with the pig?" The new comer said it was a duck, not a pig. "I was talking to the duck,not to you,"the drunkard replied. 酒鬼 在酒吧间，有一个酒鬼看见一个人腋下夹着一只鸭子走了进来，便问:“你 和猪在一起干什么,” 新进来的人说是鸭子，而不是猪。 “我在和鸭子说话，不是和你说话。”酒鬼回答说。 英文笑话――惭愧的士兵 Ashamed Soldier Peter joined the army when he was eighteen, and for several months he was taught how to be a good soldier. He did quite well in everything except shooting. One 19 day he and his friends were practicing their shooting, and all of them were doing quite well except Peter. After he had shot at the target nine times and had not hit it once, the officer who was trying to teach the young soldiers to shoot said, "You're quite hopeless, Peter! Don't waste your last bullet too! Go behind that wall and shoot yourself with it!" Peter felt ashamed. He went behind the wall, and a few seconds later the officer and the other young soldiers heard the sound of a shot. "Heavens!" the officer said. "Has that silly man really shot himself?" He ran behind the wall anxiously, but Peter was all right. "I'm sorry, sir," he said, "but I missed again." 惭愧的士兵 彼得十八岁那年参了军，他需要参加几个月的学习以成为一名好士兵。彼得 在其他方面都做得很好，但是射击不行。一天他和伙伴们练习射击，除了彼得其 他人都没有问题。他射了九次，一次也没有命中目标。这时，教新兵射击的教官 说:“彼得，你看来是没希望了，不要连最后一发子弹都浪费掉～去那堵墙后面 用它向自己打一枪吧。” 彼得感到非常惭愧。他走到那堵墙后面。几分钟后，教官和新兵们听到一声 枪响。 “上帝～”教官叫起来，“难道那个笨蛋真的朝自己开枪了,” 他急忙跑到那堵墙后面，发现彼得安然无恙。“对不起，长官，”他说，“我 还是没有命中。” 英文笑话――Whose Son Is the Greatest The mothers of four priests got together and were discussing their sons. "My son is a monsignor," said the first proud woman. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Monsignor'." The second mother went on, "My son is a bishop. When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Excellency'." "My son is a cardinal." continued the next one. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Eminence'. " The fourth mother thought for a moment. "My son is six-foot-ten and weighs 300 pounds, " she said. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Oh, my God'!" Notes: (1) priest n.基督教的教士 ;牧师 (2) monsignor n.阁下(对某些天主教教士的尊称) 20 (3) bishop n.主教(主管一城市或一教区之教务) (4) Your Excellency 阁下(对主教的尊称) (5) cardinal n.(天主教的)红衣主教(有权选举教皇) (6) Your Eminence 对红衣主教的尊称 Exercises: 根据短文判断下列句子正(T)、(F): ? The four mothers were all proud of their own sons. The second mother's son was a great lawyer. ? ? The third mother said that her son was a high official in the ? The fourth mother was ashamed of her son. ? We can see from the passage that the fourth mother was the cleverest. 谁的儿子最伟大 四位牧师的母亲聚到一起谈论她们的儿子。“我的儿子是个教士，”第一位母亲自豪地说道，“他进入房间，人们都说，‘您好，阁下’。” 第二为母亲说:“我的儿子是位主教。他进入房间，人们都称，‘您好，大人’。” “我的儿子是位红衣主教，”第三位母亲接着说，“他走进房间，人们都说，‘您好，尊敬的主教大人’。” 第四位母亲略思片刻。“我的儿子身高六英尺十，体重三百磅，”她说，“他要是走入房间，人们都说‘哦，我的上帝’～” 练习参考答案: ?T?F?F?F?T 英文笑话――Two Birds 两只鸟 Two Birds Teacher: Here are two birds，one is a swallow，the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which? Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer. Teacher: Please tell us. Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow. 两只鸟 老师:这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗, 21 学生:我指不出，但我知道答案。 老师:请说说看。 学生:燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。 英文笑话――The Clock Joke:The Clock Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?"??? St Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said Hillary, "who's clock is that?" "That's Mother Theresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie." "Who's clock is that?" "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life." "Where is Bill's clock?" Hillary asked. "Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He is using it as a ceiling fan." 英文笑话――Quick Service A man took a pair of shoes to a shoe repair shop and said to the shoemaker, "I'd like you to repair these shoes for me, please." "Certainly, sir," the shoemaker said. "When will they be ready?" the man asked. "I'm a bit busy, but they'll be ready for you on Thursday." he said. That's fine," the man said, and left the shop. The next morning he received a letter, offering him a job in another country. Within 24 hours he was on an airplane to his new job. Twenty years passed and he returned to his hometown. He remembered his shoes. "They were a good pair of shoes," he thought. "I wonder if the shoemaker is still there and still has them. I'll go and see.擾He was pleased to see that the shoemaker was still in the same shop ,although he was an old man by now. "Good morning," he said to him. "Twenty years ago, I brought in a pair of shoes to be repaired. Do you think you've still got them?" 22 "Name?" the old shoemaker asked. "Smith," the man said. "I'll go and see. They may be out back. The shoemaker went out to the back of his shop -and a few minutes later returned ,carrying the pair of shoes. "Here we are," he said. "One pair of brown shoes to be repaired. I'm a bit busy now, but they'll probably be ready on Thursday." Notes: (1) pleased adj.愉快的;高兴的 (2) bring in 带来 Exercises: 根据短文选择正确答案: ? Why did the man go to a shoemaker?_____ . A. They were old friends B. He wanted him to make him a new pair of shoes C. He wanted him to repair a pair of shoes D. He had a very old pair of boots to repair ? Why didn't the man return to the shoe repair shop on Thursday? A. He forgot. B. He went overseas. C. He was too busy. D. He knew the shoes would not be ready. ? The man stayed away from his hometown_____ . A. until Thursday B. until the next morning C. for about twenty years D. for a few days ? What did the man do when he returned to his hometown? A. He looked for a new job. B. he bought a new pair of shoes. 23 C. He visited all his friends. D. He returned to the shoemaker to get his shoes. ? The man finally found that_____ . A. his shoes had been repaired B. the shoemaker had lost his shoes C. the shoemaker had already repaired the shoes D. the shoes hadn't been repaired yet 快速服务 一个人把一双鞋子拿到一家鞋店，并对修鞋匠说，“请帮我修这双鞋子。” “当然可以，先生，”鞋匠说。 “什么时候能修好,”那个人问。 “我有点忙，但到星期四我会修好鞋子的。”他说。 “很好，”那人说，并离开了那家店。 第二天早上，他收到一封信，提供他一份在国外的工作。24小时内，他登上飞机去接受那份新工作。 二十年过去了，他回到了故乡。 他记起了那双鞋。 “那是一双好鞋，”他想，“我想知道鞋匠是否还在那儿，是否还有那双鞋。我要去看看。” 他很高兴看到鞋匠还在那家店里，虽然他已很老了。 “早上好，”他对鞋匠说，“二十年前，我拿了一双鞋子来修。你记得还有那双鞋吗,” “名字,”老鞋匠问。 “史密斯，”那人回答。 “我去瞧瞧，或许在后面呢。” 鞋匠回到店的后面去，几分钟后又回来了，手里提着那双鞋子，“在这呢，”他说，“一双棕色的鞋子要修。我有点忙，但可以到星期四把鞋子修好。” 练习参考答案: ?C?B?C?D?D 英文笑话――American Soldier 24 Joke:American Soldier An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired. The English oman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you w are also arrogant. Imagine!" The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window." 英文笑话――我要表现得象位女士～ One day when womens dresses were on sale at the FarEast Department Store， a dignified middle-aged man decided to get his wife a piece. But he soon found himself being battered by frantic women. He stood it as long as he could; then， with head lowered and arms flailing， he plowed through the crowed. "You there!" challenged a thrill voice. "Cant you act like a gentleman?" "Listen，" he said， "I have been acting like a gentleman for an hour. From now on， I am acting like a lady." 一天，远东百货公司的女装大减价，一位看起来很高贵的中年男子想给太太 买一件。但是不久他就发现自己被疯狂的女人们挤得不成样子了。 他尽力忍耐 着。后来，他低下头，猛烈地舞动着手臂挤过人群。 “你干嘛,”有人在尖叫， “你难道不能表现得象位绅士吗,” “听着，”他说，“我已经象绅士一样表 现了一个小时。从现在起，我要表现得象位女士。” 英文小幽默――The New Teacher George comes from school on the first of September. "George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother. 25 "I didn't like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....." 新老师 9月1日， 乔治放学回到家里。 "乔治，你喜欢你们的新老师吗," 妈妈问。 "妈妈，我不喜欢，因为她说3加3得6, 可后来又说2加4也得6。" 英语笑话―― 一封情 书 关于书的成语关于读书的排比句社区图书漂流公约怎么写关于读书的小报汉书pdf 喜欢上王小姐后，决定要给她写一封情书，这封情书一定要不落俗套。苦思之下，触发了灵感，现在卖饼干说是卖克力架，做网站的想办法上纳斯达克，那我也走国际路线，写封英文情书，扯着虎皮拉大旗，显示一下自己的才华吧。 Dear wang litte girl: 亲爱的王小姐: (翻译这句，我可费了不少心思，中文直接用”亲爱的”未免显得肉中有肉，麻中有麻，还是老外开放，一般朋友也可以用dear，这样自己的贼心可以得到满足而又不唐突。姐想译成sister吧，怕她理解成小妹，一开始就叫人小妹，我好意思开口，人家还不一定好意思应呢，把小姐译成littlegirl吧，又怕她理解成小丫头，这样”wang littlegirl”变成了王小丫，上天作证，我可没有喜欢这个漂亮的主持人，其实主要知道喜欢了也白搭，就象明知是垃圾股又何必再投资进去呢,最后采用考试时常用的方法-----丢硬币决定还是译成litte girl。) From see you one eye, I shit love you. (本想写”自从见你第一眼，我便对你魂牵梦绕”，可魂牵梦绕我实在译不出，只好写成”我便爱上你”，”便”译成shit是邻居小孩告诉我的，他说VCD里老有人说:”shit”，这个shit就是”便”。) your eyes close,I die;your eyes open ,I come back olive.Your eyes close and open again and again ,I die again and again. 你的眼睛闭上，我就死了，你的眼睛睁开，我又活过来了，你眼睛眨呀眨，我就死去活来。 Maybe you do not know me ,no matter.one see clock emotion is pop. “也许你还不认识我，没有关系，一见钟情很流行。” (译一见钟情颇费了一番功夫，一、见、情都会，但钟字怎么译呢，一抬头，见闹钟上写着呢:clock，pop这个词是从电视中学来的，最流行的音乐唱片就是top of thepops，呵呵，处处留心皆学问呀。) I think I should introduce myself to you. 我想应该介绍一下自己。 26 (事实证明我的英文启蒙老师很有远见，她说要是哪天你到了国外，要找外国MM套磁，就要用这句。不过，不知她有没有想到我现在是用这句话来唬中国MM。) I call Li old big. toyear 25. 我叫李老大，今年25. (今天是today，那么今年是toyear，没有错的吧。) My home four mouth people:papa,mama,I and DD. 我家有四口人:爸爸、妈妈、我和弟弟。 (还好，幸亏在网上混了这么多年，知道GG，JJ，MM，DD怎么写的。) I beat letter very fast,because I am a computer high hand.Ieven act as black guest. 我打字很快，因为我是电脑高手，我甚至还当过黑客呢。 英语笑话―― 一段很帅的英语对话 昨天来了个老外，进到办公室，前台小姐左看右看，大家都在打游戏，只有自己比较清闲，就面带微笑的:“hello?” 老外:“hi.” 前台小姐:“you have what thing?” 老外:“can you speak english?” 前台小姐:“if i not speak english, i am speaking what?” 老外:“can anybody else speak english? ” 前台小姐:“you yourself look. all people are playing,no people have time, you can wait, you wait, you not wait, you go.” 老外:“good heavens. anybody here can speak english?” 前台小姐:“ shout what shout, quiet a little, you on earth have what thing.” 老外:“i want to speak to your head.” 前台小姐:“head not zai.you tomorrow come.” 笑死人的中国片英文翻名 《farewell my concubine》——再见了，我的小老婆 (这可是《霸王别姬》的英文译名啊。) 《seventeen years》——十七年(故弄玄虚，《回家过年》) 《ashes of time》——时间的灰烬(《东邪西毒》，这个译名意味深长，无论你是东邪还是西毒，武功再高还不是最后都成了时间的灰烬,) 27 《all men are brothers: blood of the leopard》--四海之内皆兄弟:豹子的血(《水 浒传》，《水浒传》有个英文译名就是《四海之内皆兄弟》) 《chinese odyssey 1: pandora‘s box》——中国的奥德赛1:潘多拉宝盒(《大 话西游之月光宝盒》，这个绝对是入乡随俗了，不过好象都挨不上边耶) 《chinese odyssey 2: cinderella》——灰姑娘(《大话西游之仙履奇缘》，至 尊宝成了孙悟空，灰姑娘穿上了水晶鞋，天才啊～)《dream factory》--梦工厂 (《甲方乙方》，够牛的) 《steel meets fire》--钢遇上了火(翻译遇上了鬼,《烈火金刚》) 《third sister liu》--第三个姐姐刘(《刘三姐》，典型的不动脑筋) 在爱的情绪中(《花样年华》，恋爱中的译者) 《in the mood for love》—— 《woman-demon-human》——女人-恶魔-人类(《人鬼情》，失恋中的译者) 从北京带着爱(到香港换不了菜，《国产007》) 《from beijing with love》-- 《flirting scholar》--正在调情的学者(别人看《红楼梦》看到诗，你看到 了„„,《唐伯虎点秋香》) 《royal tramp》--皇家流浪汉(《鹿鼎记》，为什么不译成 “ 皇家马德里 ” ,) 《flowers of shanghai》--上海之花(pg18,《海上花》) 《a better tomorrow》--明天会更好( “ 玉山白雪飘零，燃烧少年的心...” ， 《英雄本色》) 《saviour of the soul》--灵魂的救星(啊呸～真不要脸～《神雕侠侣》) 《Romatic of Three Kingdoms》-- 三个王国的罗曼史居然是《三国演义》， 笑话集锦 A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second" 一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝 回答:"一便士."男子又问:"那一百万年呢?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上 帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟." Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says 28 "Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"! 四个好朋友在医院里碰面了,他们的妻子正在生产.护士过来对第一个男人 说:"恭喜,你得了双胞胎."男人说:"多奇怪呀,我是明尼苏达双子队的经理."过了一 会儿,护士过来对第二个男人说:"恭喜,你得了三胞胎."男人很喜欢:"嗯,又巧了.我 是3M公司的董事."最后,护士跑来对第三个男人说:"恭喜,你得了2对双胞胎."男 人很开心地说:"真令人啼笑皆非,我为四季宾馆工作."他们三个都很高兴,但第四 个伙伴急得像热锅上的蚂蚁,咒骂上帝并用头撞墙.他们问他有什么不对劲,他回 答道:"什么不对劲?我可是在七喜公司工作呀!" 呵呵,一个比一个效率高. Osama Bin Laden, a Canadian, and President Bush were walking down the street when they saw a golden lamp. They rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "I will grant each one a wish that’s 3 together." The Canadian said, "I am a father and my son will be a farmer so I want the soil in Canada to be forever fertile." The genie said the magic words and the wish came true. Osama looked amazed so he wished for a wall around Afghanistan the genie said the magic words and again the wish came true. President Bush said "Genie, tell me more about this wall," the genie said,” It’s 50 feet thick and 500 feet tall so nothing can get in and nothing can get out." President Bush said,” Wow! That’s a big bridge...Fill it with water!!! 拉登,一加拿大人还有布什总统走在大街上看到一盏金色的灯.他们擦了擦灯 出现了一个精灵.精灵说:"我要满足你们每人一个愿望总共三个."加拿大人说:"我 是个父亲我儿子将成为农夫,因此我想让加拿大的土地永远肥沃."精灵说了咒语 愿望实现了.拉登看了很惊奇,他希望有座城墙围绕阿富汗.精灵又说了咒语愿望 又实现了.布什总统问:"精灵请告诉我关于这座墙的事情."精灵回答:"墙厚50英尺, 高500英尺,因而里面的任何东西出不来外面的任何东西进不去."布什总统说:"哇! 那是座大桥耶...注满水!!!" My Baby Swallowed a Bullet Young Mother: "Doctor, my baby swallowd a bullet. What shall I do ? Doctor: "Don't point him at anybody." Notes 1. to swallow a bullet: 吞下一颗子弹 2. to point at: 对...瞄准 Ally baby Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. 29 The operator said calmly:"First, you should make sure that he is already dead." Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"What should I do next?" 两个猎人进森林里打猎，其中一个猎人不慎跌倒，两眼翻白，似已停止呼吸。 另一个猎人赶紧拿出手机拨通紧急求助电话。接线员沉着地说:“第一步，要先 确定你的朋友已经死亡。”于是，接线员在电话里听到一声枪响，然后听到那猎 人接着问:“第二步怎办,” fool_fox I'm the boss 标题: 内容:The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!" note:staff meeting:员工会议 Wife's picture A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you martinis all night long. But you go to tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife.When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home." note:tavern 酒馆, 客栈 martini 马提尼酒 peek/pi;k/ n.一瞥, 匆忙看过v.偷看 英语笑话――老汉抬驴 There was an old man, a boy and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride. As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk. The man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they changed positions. Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame 30 for that man to make such a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe they both should walk. Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right so they decided that they both should ride. They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and it fell into the river and drowned. The moral of the story is...if you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass. 英语笑话――Who was the first Man? A teacher said to her class: "Who was the first man?" “George Washington," a little boy shouted promptly. "How do you make out that George Washington was the first man?" asked the teacher, smiling indulgently. "Because, " said the little boy, "he was first in war, first in peace, and first in the hearts of his countrymen." But at this point a larger boy held up his hand. "Well," said the teacher to him, "who do you think was the first man?" "I don't know what his name was," said the larger boy, "but I know it wasn't George Washington, ma'am, because the history book says George Washington married a widow, so, of course, there must have been a man ahead of him." 有个老师问班上的学生: “谁是第一个男人,” “乔治•华盛顿，”一个小男孩当即叫道。 “你怎么知道乔治•华盛顿是第一个男人呢,”老师问道，宽容地微笑着。 小男孩说:“因为他是战时第一，和时第一，国人心中第一。” 这时一个大点儿的男孩举起手来。 “那么，”老师对他说，“你认为谁是第一个男人呢,” 31 “我不知道他的名字，”大点儿的男孩说，“但我知道不是乔治•华盛顿，老师。因为历史书上说，乔治•华盛顿取了一个寡妇，所以在他前面肯定还有一个男人。” 世上最强中式英语 1(we two who and who? 咱俩谁跟谁阿 2(how are you ? how old are you? 怎么是你，怎么老是你? 3(you don’t bird me,I don’t bird you 你不鸟我，我也不鸟你 4(you have seed I will give you some color to see see, brothers ～ together up ～ 你有种，我要给你点颜色瞧瞧，兄弟们，一起上～ 5(hello everybody!if you have something to say,then say!if you have nothing to say,go home!! 有事起奏，无事退朝 6(you me you me 彼此彼此 7(You Give Me Stop!! 你给我站住～ 8(know is know,noknow is noknow 知之为知之，不知为不知„ 9(WATCH SISTER 表妹 10(dragon born dragon,chicken born chicken,mouse’’son can make hole!! 龙生龙，凤生凤，老鼠的儿子会打洞～ 11(American Chinese not enough 美中不足 12(one car come one car go ,two car pengpeng,people die 车祸现场描述 32 13(heart flower angry open 心花怒放 14(go past no mistake past 走过路过，不要错过 15(小明:I am sorry! 老外:I am sorry too! 小明:I am sorry three! What are you sorry for? 老外: 小明:I am sorry five! 16(If you want money,I have no; if you want life,I have one! 要钱没有，要命一条 17(I call Li old big. toyear 25. 我叫李老大，今年25。 18(you have two down son。 你有两下子。 19(as far as you go to die 有多远，死多远～～ 20(I give you face you don’’t wanna face,you lose you face ,I turn my face 给你脸你不要脸，你丢脸，我翻脸 补充: People mountain and people sea. 人山人海 seven up eight down 七上八下 love who who 爱谁谁 no three no four 不三不四 做早操:do morning f*ck 33 做课间操:do class between f*ck 一说:give you some colours to see see!(给你点颜色看看) 一答:you try try see～(你试试看～) 雇主 how much do you want a month? 保姆:800 yuan, eat you, sleep you 800块， 吃你的，住你的 英语笑话――时间对猪有什么意义? What's time to a pig? One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads, to see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living. The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree. The city man said to the farmer, " I see that your pig likes apples, but isn't that quite a waste of time?" The farmer replied, " What's time to a pig?" 时间对猪有什么意义? 一天，有一个城市里的游客来到一个小乡村，在乡间路上开着车，想看看农庄是什么样子，也想看看农夫怎样种田过日子。这位城里人看见一位农夫在宅后的草地上，手中抱着一头猪，并把它举得高高的，好让它能够吃到树上的苹果。城里人对农夫说，"我看你的猪挺喜欢吃苹果的，但是，这不是很浪费时间吗?"那位农夫回答说，"时间对猪有什么意义?" 趣味英语――他真是一个大人物 He is really somebody -- My uncle has 1000 men under him. -- He is really somebody. What does he do? -- A maintenance man in a cemetery. 他真是一个大人物 -- 我叔叔下面有1000个人。 -- 他真是一个大人物。干什么的, -- 墓地守墓人。 趣味英语Q&A Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea? 34 A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys. 猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢,你可能会直接的想到它们俩是一大一小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以长跳蚤，而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子。这个答案很有意思吧, Q: How can you most irritate a farmer? A: By treading on his corn? 如果你踩了农夫的玉米或是谷物，他肯定会生气的;而如果你踩了农夫脚底的鸡眼，他会更生气。Corn既可以表示“玉米/谷物”，也有“鸡眼”的意思。 Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world? A: The snail. It carries its house on its back. 因为snail(蜗牛)的后背上总是背着一所房子，所以说蜗牛是世界上最强壮的生物是不足为奇的。你说呢, Q: What do people do in a clock factory? A: They make faces all day. 一看到make faces这个短语，你可千万别以为是在钟表厂工作的人整天都做鬼脸呀～因为除了这个意思以外，它还可以从字面上解释为制造钟面。 Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep? A: Keep him awake. 怎样才能不让梦游者(sleepwalker)梦游(walk in his sleep)呢,最简单的方法就是不让他睡觉。虽然这不是治疗方法，但如果让梦游者醒着呢，他的确就不会去梦游了。 趣味英语――上海话与英语 蹩脚--BILGE，船底污水，引申为肮脏的、下三滥、劣质的 大兴--DASHY，浮华，华而不实，引申为假的、冒牌的、劣质的 肮三--ONSALE，二手货贱卖，引申为垃圾货、形容人的品质低劣 瘪三--BEG SIR，乞丐先生，用来形容叫花子、难民、逃荒者等各式穷人，引申为最广泛的骂人用语之一 这些至今仍被大量使用的俚语，组成殖民地上海的劣质性语境，它们试图为这个高度现代化的都市提供一种负面估量。 为了推销劣质文化和劣质商品，某种相应的欺诈文化应运而生了，这导致了那些用以描述欺诈事件的语词的连锁涌现: 赤佬--是英语“CHEAT”和中文“佬”的混生词语 35 小开--小KITE，小骗子之意，后引申为对有钱人的泛称，有时也用为老开 门槛精--MonKEY精，猴子精，引申为聪明的、精明的 戆大--GANDER，傻瓜，呆鹅，糊涂虫，引申为受骗者，现被北方人读若“港督” 混枪势--混CHANCE，混机会，引申为浑水摸鱼 趣味英语――我的狗不识字 Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog! Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers! Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read. 我的狗不识字 布朗夫人:哦， 亲爱的，我把珍爱的小狗给丢了～ 史密斯夫人:可是你该在报纸上登广告啊～ 布朗夫人:没有用的，我的小狗不认识字。” 一秒钟与一百万 A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second" 一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"那一百万年呢?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟." 你停止打你老婆了吗, Have You Ceased Beating Your Wife, 你停止打你老婆了吗? This story is told of a browbeating counsel，who habitually endeavored to terrorize his opponent's witnesses( One witness rather tended to preface his replies with lengthy explanations( “I want‘yes’or‘no，’”thundered counsel( “There is no need for you to argue the point～” 36 “But there are some questions which cannot be answered by‘yes’or‘no，’”mildly responded the witness( “There are not～” snapped the lawyer( “Oh，” said the witness，“answer this then:Have you ceased beating your wife,” 这个故事讲的是一个咄咄逼人的辩护律师，他惯于尽量去恐吓对方的证人。 有一个证人有点倾向于在回答问题之前做冗长的解释。 “我要你回答‘是’或者‘不是’，”辩护律师怒喝道: “你没有必要就 这个问题进行争论。” “可是有些问题无法用‘是’或者‘不是’来回答。”这位证人温和地回敬 他。 “不存在这样的问题～”律师厉声打断他。 “噢，”证人说:“那么请你回答这个问题:你停止打你老婆了吗,” 你的钟准吗 Stupid Question Dan was the doorman of a club in a big city. Everyday, thousands of people passed his door, and a lot of them stopped and asked him, "What's the time, please?" After a few months, Dan said to himself, "I'm not going to answer all those stupid people any more. I'm going to buy a big clock and put it upon the wall here." Then he did so. “Now people aren't going to stop and ask me the time," he thought happily. But after that, a lot of people stopped, looked at the clock and then asked Dan, "Is that clock right?” 愚蠢的问题 丹在一个大城市的某个俱乐部当守门人。每天都有数千人经过他的门口，而 且许多人都会停下来问他:“请问现在几点,” 几个月后，丹想:“我不想再回答这些蠢人提出的问题了，我要去买一只大 钟，把它挂在这儿的墙上。”于是他买了一只钟，把它挂在了墙上。 “现在人们总不会再停下来问我时间了。”他高兴地想。 可是打那以后，每天仍有许多人停下来，看看钟，然后问丹:“这钟准吗,” 37 老师与学生对话时候闹出来的笑话 1. teacher: george, go to the map and find north america. george: here it is! teacher: correct. now, class, who discovered america? class: george! 2. teacher: ellen, give me a sentence starting with "i". ellen: i is... teacher: no, ellen. we always say, "i am." ellen: all right... "i am the ninth letter of the alphabet." 3. teacher: if i had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would i have? class: big hands! 4. teacher: didn't you promise to behave? student: yes, sir. teacher: and didn't i promise to punish you if you didn't? student: yes, sir, but since i broke my promise, i don't expect you to keep yours. 5. teacher: in this box, i have a 10-feet snake. sammy: you can't fool me, teacher... snakes don't have feet. 经典英语幽默笑话 美国有色人种歧视时期著名的笑话，其实有些沉重，不妨品位其中幽默。 Dear white, something you got to know 亲爱的白种人，有几件事你必须知道。 When I was born, I was black. 当我出生时，我是黑色的 When I grow up, I am black. 38 我长大了，我是黑色的 When I'm under the sun, I'm black. 我在阳光下，我是黑色的 When I'm cold, I'm black. 我寒冷时，我是黑色的 When I'm afraid, I'm black. 我害怕时，我是黑色的 When I'm sick, I'm black. 我生病了，我是黑色的 When I die, I'm still black. 当我死了，我仍是黑色的。 you---white people, 你---白种人 When you were born, you were pink. 当你出生时，你是粉红色的 When you grow up, you become white. 你长大了，变成白色的 You're red under the sun. 你在阳光下，你是红色的 You're blue when you're cold. 你寒冷时，你是青色的 You are yellow when you're afraid. 你害怕时，你是黄色的 You're green when you're sick. 你生病时，你是绿色的 You're gray when you die. 当你死时，你是灰色的 And you, call me "color"? 而你，却叫我「有色人种」, 大制服 39 Large Uniforms During our first three days at Lackland Air Force Base in San Antonio, we were herded from place to place for haircuts, shots and uniforms. Back in our barracks, the drill instructor told us to put on our uniforms and fall out in front of the building. Some of the uniforms, however, were extremely large. As we filed outside, the sergeant stood by the door with his assistant. "We have to take some of these people back for refitting," he said. "That last man took two steps before his uniform moved." 大制服 在圣安东尼奥的莱克兰空军基地的头三天，我们被从一个地方赶到另一个地 方去理发、照相、领制服。回到营房之后，训练指导员让我们穿上制服，在营房 前原地解散。但是，我些制服特别大。我们列队的时候，中士和他的副手就站在 门边。“我们得将一些人弄回去重新量一下，”他说，“最后那个人走了两步， 他的制服才动。” 简短英语笑话二则 一、 Customer: Give me a hot dog. Waiter: With pleasure. Customer: No, with mustard. 顾客:来个热狗。 侍者:很高兴。 顾客:不要，加上芥末。 (注:英语中with pleasure是“很高兴”的意思。这位顾客把pleasure当成调 料了。怪不得他说不要pleasure,要芥末呢。) 二、 Teacher: Now class, whatever I ask, I want you all to answer at once. How much is 6 plus 4? Student: At once! 老师:全班同学听着，不管我问什么，你们都要马上回答。6+4等于几, 学生:马上。 关于夫妻的英语笑话8则 40 英语和汉语一样，都具有丰富多彩的表达方式;从英语笑话中体会英语语言 的精华，也是寓教于乐，轻松学习英语的好办法，现摘录关于夫妻的英语笑话八 则，以飨读者。 JOKE 1 Wife talking to her husband (who reads newspaper all day): I wish I were a newspaper so I'll be in your hands all day. Husband: I wish that too, so I could change you daily JOKE 2 A little boy asked his father: Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? The father replied: I don 't know son. I 'm still paying!! JOKE 3 At midnight father saw that his married son leaving home... He asks him: what are you doing? The son replied: Dad I am fed up with my life! My newly marriage is not going well, my wife and my mom keep fighting with each other! I have to pay bills for my in-laws, and I hate this life!!! I want to go far from here, I want to taste every joy of life, and I want to have every fun of life!!! Father said: Wait!!!!!!!! I am coming with you JOKE 4 A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip. The wife answered: Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you? The husband laughed and said: An English girl!!! The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picked her up in the airport and asked: So honey, how was the trip? The wife: Very good, thank you. The husband: And, what happened to my present? The wife: Which present? The husband: What I asked for: the English girl? The wife: Oh, that! Well, I did what I could; now we have to wait a few months to see if it’s a girl!!! JOKE 5 41 A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked woman with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn 't like it and moves on, but the husband keeps looking. The wife asks, "What are you waiting for? " The husband replies, "autumn. " JOKE 6 A man is sitting reading his newspaper when the wife sneaks up behind him and ) him on the head with a frying pan. "What the hell was that for? " he asks. whacks(打 "That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pockets with the name Mary Ellen written on it, " she replies. Don 't be silly, " he says. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races(赛马), Mary Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on. " She seems satisfied at this, and she apologizes. Three days later he 's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails(打，俚语) him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes around, he asks again, "What the hell was that for? " "Your fucking horse just phoned. " JOKE 7 Wife to husband: you were so drunk last night that you insulted your boss. Husband: piss on him! Wife: you did and he fired you! Husband: fuck him! Wife: I did and you can go back to work tomorrow. JOKE 8 A couple drove several miles down a country road with intense silence. Not a word was said to each other. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither wanted to concede his position. As they passed a barnyard of mules(骡子) and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours? " "Yep, " the husband replied, "in-laws ". 搞笑武侠英语翻译 九阳神功 nine man’’s power (九个男子的力量) 九阴真经 nine woman’’story (九个女人的故事) 九阴白骨爪 nine woman catch a white bone (九个女人抓著一个白骨，老外看了还以为会出现召唤兽呢) 神照经 god bless you (神保佑你，我还天国已近勒) 胡家刀法 Dr.hu’’sword (胡博士的剑，天哪 咱们的胡兄何时成了博士) 两仪剑法 1/2 sword (二分之一的剑，挖勒 请问是左右二分之一还是上下二 分之一阿) 42 一阳指 one finger just like a pen is (一只手指像笔一样?? 还真不是盖的) 洗髓经 wash bone (洗骨头?? 谁敢去给别人洗骨头阿) 苗家刀法 maio’’s sword (苗家的刀 好啦算你对) 易筋经 change your bone (换你的骨头.老兄算你狠) 龙象波若功 D and E comble togeter (龙和象的混合体???) 梯云纵心法 elevator jump (电梯跳跃???? 在天雷的打击下，电梯产生异变，於是电梯有了生命........) 轻功水上飘 flying skill (飞行技能 ，好简洁) .....) 小无相功 a unseen power (一种看不见的力量???，原力 太玄经 all fool’’s daliy (全是胡言乱语的日记，还真是玄哪) s medicine book(水牛胡的医书，原来青牛又叫水胡青牛医书 buffulo hu’’ 牛阿) 五毒秘传 the experience of eat drink f**k bet and smoke(吃干赌喝抽菸的经验，这也太毒了吧) 药王神篇 king of drag(摇头之王，武侠也有摇头的阿) 七伤拳 7hurted organ (被伤害的七个器官，有点道理) 吸星**** suck star over china(****全中国的星星，好神阿) 天山六阳掌 6 men of mountain sky’’s press (天山上的六男子掌法，逐字翻也不是这样的吧) 黯然销魂掌 Deepblue press(深深忧郁的掌法，对对对，有忧郁症的都使的出来) 松风剑法 softwind sword(软风剑，这还有点像样) 回风落雁剑法 comeback sword(喝了再上剑，在拍广告吗?) 血刀经 blood strike(cs 的场地都用上啦) 金刚伏魔圈 superman’’s cover(超人的保护，老外看了还以为超人会出现呢) 八荒六合唯我独尊功 my name is NO.1(我的名字叫第一，无言......) 含沙射影 shoot you with a machine gun(用机关枪射你，这样对吗??) 葵花宝典 sunflower bible /from gentlenan to a lady (太阳花的圣经，可让你从绅士变淑女，欧 变性者的一大福音阿) 打狗棒法 guide of dog beating(打狗指南，这...哪里有卖阿) 白虹剑 rainbow of milk 43 感谢信A Thank-you Note A Thank-you Note Once I received a thank-you note from a friend whom I had helped. In the envelope were five lottery tickets that had been scratched, revealing the numbers. "Thank you very much for your help," the note read. "As a gift, I bought you some lottery tickets- sorry you didn't win. " 一封感谢信 有一次，我收到一封感谢信，是一个我曾帮助过的朋友寄来的。信封内有五张彩票，都被刮过了，露出了数字。“非常感谢您的帮助，”信上写道，“作为礼物，我给您买了些彩票----真遗憾，您没中奖。” 充满智慧的英文短信 收集的一些英文手机短信，或是搞笑或是充满了智慧: 搞笑短信 Roses are red, violence is blue, ... Someone like you belongs to the zoo! Don’t be mad, don’t be blue, Einstein was ugly too! Every morning I pray2 God that everybody should get a friend like u, ... Why should I be the only to suffer...?? CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this. A-ur attractive B-ur beautiful C-ur caring D-ur delicous 44 E-ur exciting F-ur funny G-ur gorgeous H-ur heavenly I-IM J-JUST K-KIDDING L-LOSER! 朋友之间的短信 Flowers need sunshine, violets need dew, all angels in heaven know I need u. years may fly, tears may dry, but my friendship with u will never die. I asked God 4 a flower, he gave me a garden. Asked 4 a tree, he gave me a forest. Asked 4 a river, he gave me an ocean. Asked 4 a friend, he gave me you. To the world you may be one person but to one person you may be the world. If friends were flowers I would not pick you! I’ll let you grow in the garden & cultivate you with love and care so I can keep you as a friend 4ever!! 恋人之间的短信 A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T V W X Y Z oopz! i miss "U" Yes,baby. God made you first, but there is always a rough draft before the final copy. :) If I had the letter "HRT", I can add "EA" to get heart or a "U" and get "HURT". But Id rather choose "U" and get "HURT" than to have a "HEART" without "U". 充满智慧的短信 God gave u 2 legs to walk.2 hands to hold.2 ears to hear.2 eyes to see.But why did he giv u only 1 Heart? Probably because He wants you to look for the other. Yesterday is history tomorrow is a mystery.today is a gift that is why we call it the present! 不喜欢他如何巧妙拒绝他, 45 How to Reject, 1、HE : Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out. SHE: Okay, get out. 2、HE : Is this seat empty? SHE: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down. 3、HE : Can I buy you a drink? SHE: Actually, I'd rather have the money. 4、HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours. SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours. 5、HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice? SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice. 6、HE : Would you go out with me! this Saturday? SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend. 7、HE : Your face must turn a few heads. SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs. 8、HE : I think I could make you very happy. SHE: Why? Are you leaving? 、HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me? 9 SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time. 10、HE : Can I have your name? SHE: Why? Don't you already have one? 11、HE : Shall we go see a movie? SHE: I've already seen it. 12、HE : Where have you been all my life? SHE: Hiding from you. 13、HE : Haven't I seen you some place before? SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore. 14、HE : So, what do you do for a living? SHE: I'm a female impersonator. 15、HE : Your body is like a temple. 46 SHE: Sorry, there are no services today. 16、HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing. 17、HE : Hey baby, what's your sign? SHE: Do not enter. HE : Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out. SHE: Okay, get out. HE : Is this seat empty? SHE: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down. HE : Can I buy you a drink? SHE: Actually, I'd rather have the money. HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours. SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours. HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice? SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice. HE : Would you go out with me! this Saturday? SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend. HE : Your face must turn a few heads. SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs. HE : I think I could make you very happy. SHE: Why? Are you leaving? HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me? SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time. HE : Can I have your name? SHE: Why? Don't you already have one? HE : Shall we go see a movie? SHE: I've already seen it. HE : Where have you been all my life? SHE: Hiding from you. HE : Haven't I seen you some place before? 47 SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore. HE : So, what do you do for a living? SHE: I'm a female impersonator. HE : Your body is like a temple. SHE: Sorry, there are no services today. HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing. HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice? SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice. HE : Would you go out with me! this Saturday? SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend. HE : Your face must turn a few heads. SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs. HE : I think I could make you very happy. SHE: Why? Are you leaving? HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me? SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time. Who discovered America TEACHER : PAPPU, go to the map and find North America. PAPPU : Here it is! TEACHER : Correct. Now, class, who discovered America ? CLASS : PAPPU! 老师:帕普，去地图前找到北美洲。 帕普:在这儿～ 老师:正确。现在，大家告诉我，谁发现了美洲, 课堂:帕普～ 48 开心英语:Understanding Women If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman 吻她吧，不够君子 If you don’t, you are not a man 不吻吧，不象汉子 If you praise her, she thinks you are lying 夸她吧，说你欺骗 If you don’t, you are good for nothing 不夸吧，说你笨蛋 If you agree to all her likes, she is abusing 顺她吧，说你气管炎 t, you are not understanding 不顺吧，不善解人 If you don’ If you make romance, you are an ’experienced man’ 太浪漫，疑你老练 t you are half a man 太规矩，魅力不足 If you don’ If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring 常看她，招她厌烦 If you don’t, she accuses you of double crossing 少去点，怨你猎艳 If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy 穿得好，说你花心 If you don’t, you are a dull boy 邋遢些，缺个心眼 If you are jealous, she says it’s bad 吃醋吧，你太狭隘 If you don’t , she thinks you do not love her 大度点，说你不爱 If you attempt a romance, she says you didn’t respect her 求欢吧，不够尊重 If you don’t, she thinks you do not like her 安分吧，不够爱宠 If you are a minute late, she complains it’s hard to wait 你晚了，她等得烦 If she is late, she says that’s a girl’s way 它晚了，女孩特权 If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel 你访友，是你堕落 If she is visited by another, ’oh it’s natural, we are girls’ 她聚会，天性其 乐 If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold 少亲她，你太冷淡 If you kiss her too many, she yells that you are taking advantage 老亲她，便宜 你占 If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics 过街不管，道德有缺 憾 If you do, she thinks it’s just one of the man’s tactics 领着她走，男人耍手段 If you stare at other, she accuses you of flirting 你看别人，是挑逗风情 49 If she is stared by others, she says that they are just admiring 别人看她， 是仰 慕佳绝 If you talk, she wants you to listen 你要说话，它让你听 If you listen, she wants you to talk 洗耳恭听，她逼你开言 Oh God! you created those creature called "WOMAN’ 上帝啊～为何拆我骨头 造女人, So simple, yet so complex 简简繁繁 So weak, yet so powerful 弱弱强强 So confusing, yet so desirable 我晕头转向，我魂牵梦扰 "O LORD, tell me what to do. AMEN" 上帝啊～求你告我怎么办, The Wrong Email A Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. /when the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: DEAREAST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. P.S.SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE. 阴差阳错的电子邮件 一个伊利诺言伊州的男人离开了大街已被白雪覆盖的芝加哥前往佛里达度 假。他的夫人正在出差，计划第二天在佛罗里达与他相见。抵达宾馆后，他决定 给他夫人发一封短短的电子邮件，但找不到那张写有电子邮件地址的纸条了。于 是他就尽量凭记忆打出她的地址。 不幸的是，他少打了一个字母，邮件就这样 被发到了一位年长的牧师夫人那里，这位老夫人的丈夫在前一天刚去世。当这位 正处于悲痛之中的夫人检查自己的邮件时，她看了屏幕一眼便惨叫一声，倒在地 上不省人事了。听到这惨叫声，全家立刻跑进屋。在屏幕上，他们读到了这样一 封短信:最亲爱的夫人，刚刚住进来，一切就绪，等待你明天的到来。 又及:这儿的确很热。 The strongest man A guy rushes into a bar and shouts, "Who’s the strongest in here?" The toughest guy looks at him and says "I am the strongest around here!" 50 The other guy politely asks "Can you help me push my car to the gas station?" 最强壮的人 一个男人闯进酒吧，高声叫道:“谁是这儿最强壮的人。” 最强壮的人盯着他说:“我就是，你有什么事儿。” 那个人客气的说，“请帮我把车推到加油站。” The bear and the rabbit 熊和兔子 There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes. The bear went first and he said,” I wish to be the only male bear in this forest." And he got his wish. The rabbit said, "I want a motorcycle helmet." And he got his wish. The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." And he got his wish. The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." And he got his wish. The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." And he got his wish. It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay." See to the Rest 其余的事由我负责 A guard was about to signal his train to start when he saw an attractive girl standing on the platform by an open door, talking to another pretty girl inside the carriage. 一位车上的列车员刚发出信号让火车启动，这时他看见一位很漂亮的姑娘站 在站台上一节打开的车厢门旁边，跟车厢里另一位漂亮姑娘在说话。 "Come on, miss!" he shouted. "Shut the door, please!" “快点，小姐!”他喊道:“请把门关上。” "Oh, I just want to kiss my sister goodbye," she called back. “噢，我还没有和妹妹吻别呢。”她回答道。 "You just shut that door, please," called the guard, "and I'll see to the rest." “请把门关上好了，”列车员说:“其余的事由我负责。” 51 Pain Transference 疼痛转移 内容摘要 一对夫妇去医院，女的面临生产，医生告诉他们他发明了一个能 将产妇生产过程中的疼痛转移到孩子父亲身上的仪器，夫妇俩高兴的想试一下， 可是在生产过程中，医生把旋转钮调到 10% 疼痛转移， 20%， 50%， 丈夫都 没感到任何不适，最后干脆调到了 100%，可是丈夫还是一点都不疼，同样的， 妻子感觉也很好。医生觉得非常惊讶。当夫妇俩兴高采烈的回到家后，才发现常 给他们送信的邮递员死在他们家门口了。 A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch. It depends 看情况 It depends Traveler: Can I catch the three o'clock train to Toronto? Ticket agent: That depends on how fast you can run. It left fifteen minutes ago. 看情况 旅行者:我还能赶上3点钟那班到多伦多的火车吗, 售票员:那得看你跑得有多快。火车15分钟前开出。 If Only Life Could Be Like a Computer! If you messed up your life, you could press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over! To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"! If you needed a break from life, click on suspend. Hit "any key" to continue life when ready. 52 To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster. To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel. To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings. If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers. When you loose your car keys, click on find. "Help" with the chores is just a click away. Auto insurance wouldn't be necessary. You would use your diskette to recover from a crash. And, we could click on "SEND NOW" and a Pizza would be on it's way to YOU... I Want a Nightmare 想做坏梦 I WANT A NIGHTMARE Before the final examination, Tom told his mother, "Mom, I had a dream last night that I' passed today's exam." "Don't trust dreams, dear. It is said what you experience in dreams usually turns out to be the opposite." Mother replied. "Then I do hope I'll fail the other subjects n my dream tonight," Tom said. 想做坏梦 在期末考试之前，汤姆告诉他的母亲:"妈妈，我昨天晚上做了一个梦，梦 见我通过了今天的考试。""不要相信梦，亲爱的。据说梦中的经历通常与现实相 反。"妈妈答道。"那么，我真希望在今晚的梦中，我的其他功课都不及格。"汤 姆说。 I Can Go Home 我可以回家了 I CAN GO HOME One day after school the teacher said to his students, "Tomorrow morning, if any one of you can answer my first question, I will permit him or her to go home earlier." The next day, when the teacher came into the classroom, he found the blackboard daubed. He was very angry and asked, "Who did it? Please stand up!" "It's me," said Bob, "Now, I can go home. Good-bye, Sir." 我可以回家了 一天，放学以后，老师对他的学生们说:"明天上午，如果你们当中的任何 一个同学能首先回答我的问题，我就准许他或她最先回家。"第二天，老师走进 教室时发现黑板被涂得乱七八糟，他非常生气的问:"谁涂的,请站起来～"鲍勃 说:"先生，是我，现在我可以回家了，再见～" 53 Fathers Things 父亲的东西 Father's Things When Tom Howard was seventeen years old he was as tall as his father, so he began to borrow Mr. Howard's clothes when he wanted to go out with his friends in the evening. Mr. Howard did not like this, and he always got very angry when he found his son wearing any of his things. One evening when Tom came downstairs to go out, his father stopped him in the hall. He looked at Tom's clothes very carefully. Then he said angrily, "Isn't that one of my ties, Tom?" "Yes, Father, it is," answered Tom. "And that shirt's mine too." "Yes, that's yours too," answered Tom. "And you're wearing my belt!" said Mr. Howard. "Yes, I am, Father," answered Tom. "You don't want your trousers to fall down, do you?" 父亲的东西 汤姆.霍德华十七岁的时候，长得和父亲一样高了，于是当他晚上和朋友一 起出去时，就开始借父亲的衣服穿。 霍德华先生可不喜欢这样，当他发现他的儿子穿他的衣服时，总是非常生气。 一天晚上，汤姆下楼准备出去，父亲在门厅里拦住了他。他细细打量着汤姆 的穿着。 然后他气呼呼地说:“汤姆，那不是我的一条领带吗,” 汤姆回答说:“是的，父亲，是你的领带。” “还有那衬衫也是我的。” “是的，衬衫也是你的。”汤姆回答说。 “还有呢，你连皮带也用我的。”霍德华先生说。 “是的，父亲，”汤姆回答说，“你不愿意让你的裤子掉下来吧,” Excuse for Speeding 超速的理由 Excuse for Speeding 54 Harry and Lloyd were speeding down the road. A police car pulled them over. ‘Why on earth were you driving so fast?' the policeman yelled. 'Our brakes are no good-so we wanted to get there before we had an accident!' 超速的理由 哈里与劳埃德超速行驶，一辆警车拦住了他们。 “你们为什么开那么快,”警官喊道。 “我们的刹车不好，因此我们想在发生事故前赶紧到达目的地。” Did Your Dad Help You? 你爸爸帮你了吗, One day, Tim's mathematics teacher looked at his homework and saw that he had got all his sums right. The teacher was very pleased-and rather surprised. He called Tim to his desk and said to him, "You got all your homework right this time, Tim. What happened? Did your father help you?" "No, sir. He was too busy last night, so I had to do it all myself," said Tim. 你爸爸帮你了吗, 一天，蒂姆的数学老师看了他的作业，发现他全做对了。老师很高兴，同时也十分惊讶。他把蒂姆叫到桌前说:"蒂姆，你这次的作业全都做对了，怎么回事,你爸爸帮你做了吗," "不，先生，我爸爸昨天很忙，我不得不全由自己做" Coincidence 巧合 A woman was singing. One of the guest criticized the singer to the man beside him. "What a terrible voice." He said. "Do you know who she is?" "Yes." the man beside him answered. "She is my wife." "Oh, I'm sorry." he said. "Of course her voice is not bad, but the song is too bad. I wonder who wrote that awful song." "I did." said the man. 台上一个女士正在放声高歌，台下的一个听众跟他旁边的一个男人抱怨说，“这是什么嗓子啊,你知道她是谁吗,” 那个男人回答，“她是我老婆。” “哦，抱歉，抱歉，我的意思是说她嗓子不差，就是曲子太难听了。我真是想不到谁会写出这么难听的曲子呢,” 55 那个男人回答，“是我写的～” Buying A Hat 买帽子 BUYING A HAT A lady went to a hat shop to buy a hat. As she was very fussy, it took her a long time to pick on one. Already at the end of his patience the salesman was afraid that she might change her mind again so he tried to flatter her: "An excellent choice, madam. You look at least ten years younger with this hat on!" To his dismay, the lady took off her hat at once and said: "I don't want a hat that makes me look ten years older as soon as I take it off. Show me some more hats!" 买帽子 一位妇女到一家帽子店买帽子。她很挑剔，用了很长时间才选好了一顶。已经忍 耐到极限的售货员害怕她再改变主意，便恭维她:"你做了极好的选择，夫人。 你戴上这顶帽子看上去起码年轻十岁～"但令他沮丧的是，这位女士马上摘下了 她的帽子说:"我不想要一顶摘下来便使我立刻显得老十A talking frog is cool A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said: "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.." Again, the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The man said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool. 岁的帽子。多拿一些帽子给我看看～" A six-year-old girls questions 56 A six-year-old girl asks her mother, - "Mommy, how old are you?" The mother replies, - "Honey, that's a very personal question. You are not supposed to ask a woman her age." Then she asks, - " How much do you weigh?" The mother says, - "Honey, that is also a personal question. People don't want to be asked about their weight." The girl goes on, - "Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?" The mother says, - "That's a very sensitive subject. When you are older, I'll tell you." The next day, the girl goes to the kindergarten and tells her friend about the conversation she had with her mother. Her friend says, - "That's easy!! Look at her driver's license. You can find all the information in there." So the girl finds her mother's driver's license in her purse, looks at it for a while, smiles big, and runs to her mother. - "Mommy, mommy, I know how old you are! You are 32! I know how much you weigh, too! You weigh 130 pounds! And I also know why you got a divorce! You got an "F" in sex! " A poor poet 一名可怜的诗人 Poet: I hope you've received the little volume of poems I sent you. Woman: Oh, yes. It's very nice. I wonder where I've put it? Her son: It's under the leg of the table, Mom, to make it steady. 诗人:我希望你已经收到我寄给你的那些诗了 女人:哦，收到了，收到了，很不错。哎，我把它放哪儿去了呢, 女人的儿子:妈妈，你为了让桌子立的更稳，把那些诗稿垫在桌子腿下面了。 A Man of Actions 言出必行 A crowd of student was gathered on the campus of Oxford University.“You can have no doubt,”shouted a young man excitedly,“that if the Dean does not take back what he said to me this morning, I'll leave Oxford this very evening～” A buzzing noise followed.“What a man of actions～”one said in admiration. “How should we support him and learn from him～”said another. Suddenly, a girl asked,“What did the Dean say to you, Hob?” He bent and whispered to her,“Well,er???er???Miss Rose, er???he told me to get clean away from Oxford this very evening～” 57 一个言出必行的人 一群学生聚在牛津的校园里，一个年轻人情绪激动地叫道:“毋庸置疑，如果系主任不收回他今早对我说的话，我今晚就离开牛津。” 下面一片喧哗。“真是个言出必行的人。”一个人艳羡地说。另一个说:“我们要支持他、学习他。” 突然，一个女孩问道:“系主任对你说什么了，霍波,” 他弯下腰小声说:“哦，呃„呃„，罗斯小姐，呃„他说要我今晚从牛津滚出去。” Notes (1) A crowd of:一群 (2) on the campus:在校园里 (3) have no doubt:没有疑问、毫无疑问 (4) take back what he said:收回他说的话。也可以说take back his words (5) very:(a.)就是那个、正是那个 (6) in admiration:羡慕地 (7) whispered:whisper的过去式，意为“悄声说” A burglar 入室盗窃者 A man went to the police office wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You will get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no, no." said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years." 一个人来到警察局想和昨天潜入他家偷盗的贼聊聊，警察告诉他说，“你在法庭上会有这个机会的。” “不，不，不”，这个人说，“我就是想知道他是如何做到潜入我家并且还能不惊醒我的老婆，我已经努力好多年了都没能做到这点。” English Jokes A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. 58 As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws." The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor." A small voice at the back of the room rang out,"And there's the teacher. She's dead." 59