1011 The One Where The Stripper Cries

1011 The One Where The Stripper Cries [Scene: Central Perk. Everyone's sitting on the couch. Monica and Joey enter.] Joey: Hey guys! Monica: Hey, let me tell them! Joey: Sure. Monica: Joey is gonna be a celebrity guest on a game show! Phoebe: Great! Ross: Really? Which one? Monica: (stopping Joey from answering) Ohh! Fish, seaweed, a sunken ship. Ross: Things you find in the ocean, (to Joey) You're gonna be on "Pyramid"!! Monica: Oh, that was our favorite game show ever! Ross: Except for "Match game"... Monica: Or "Win, Lose or Draw". Chandler: What did I marry into? Joey: Would you guys want to come down tomorrow and watch me tape the show? Monica: Oh, I can't. We're throwing Phoebe a bachelorette party. Phoebe: Yeah, sorry boys, this ride's closing. Ross: Oh, and Chandler and I have this stupid college alumni thing. I can't believe you get to meet Donny Osmond. Joey: Seriously? Ross: (very excited) Yeah-uh! Monica: Ross and I always wanted to be Donny and Marie. Chandler: You guys just keep getting cooler and cooler! Monica: Yeah, we used to perform for our family and friends. Rachel: Oh God, that's right. I blocked that out. Monica: (singing an old Donny and Marie song) "I'm a little bit country"... Ross: (continues singing) "...and I'm a little bit rock 'n' roll"! Chandler: (to Monica) I'm leaving you. OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Class of '91 reunion. Ross and Chandler enter.] Ross: So weird to see all these people again... Oh my God, look, there's Geoffrey Cleric. Chandler: Who? Ross: He was roommates with John Rosoff. He went out with Andrea Tamburino. She dumped him for Michael Skloff. Chandler: (looking around) Did I go to this school? Ross: Hey, there's Missy Goldberg. You gotta remember her. Chandler: (looks over at her) Sure, nice. Ross: Dude. You're married to my sister. Chandler: You're right, by saying "nice" I'm virtually licking her. Ross: Hey, I hear she's single again, d'you think I should ask her out? Chandler: Are you asking permission to break the pact? Ross: Yes please. [Flashback, year 1987. Chandler enters the school's corridor. Ross is hanging some flyers on the wall. Both have a funny 80s hair and clothes.] Ross: Hey. Hey, check out the flyers for the band. I made 'em on a Macintosh in the computer room! Chandler: Awesome, the name really stands out. Ross: Thanks to a little something called "Helvetica Bold 24 point"! Chandler: Man, we're gonna rock that Asian student union! Missy: Hey guys! Chandler: Hey! Ross: Hey, Missy... Chandler: You know, our band is playing on Friday. Ross: Yeah, yeah. You should come check us out. We're called "Way! No Way!". Missy: No way! Chandler and Ross: Way! Missy: Right. I'll be there. (she leaves) Chandler: Fresh! Ross: Boss! Chandler: Mint! Ross: She's gone. Chandler: I know it. You know, I'm totally gonna ask her out. Ross: Dude, I was gonna ask her out. Chandler: I said it first, bro. Ross: Well, I thought it first, Holmes. Chandler: (angrily) Look, if you did... Ross: Woha! Wait... What are we doing? What we have is too important to mess it up over some girl. I mean, we can get laid anytime we want. Chandler: Totally. I had sex in High school... Ross: Me too. I'm good at it. Chandler: All right, I'd say we make a pact. Neither of us will go out with Missy Goldberg. Ross: You got it. Chandler: All right, so that's Missy Goldberg, Phoebe Cates and Molly Ringwald, who neither of us can go out with. Ross: Those are the pacts! Chandler: Oh, and Sheena Easton. But we probably couldn't get her anyway. Ross: Oh, oh... maybe not you! [We get back to the Class of '91 reunion, where Ross and Chandler are still looking at Missy.] Chandler: Well, I officially give you permission to break the pact. Ross: Thank you. (they shake hands) All right, here I go. Hey, remember how scary it used to be going up to girls in college? Chandler: Your hands are shaking. Ross: I know, and I can't stop sweating. (he walks towards Missy) [Scene: The "Pyramid" Studio.] Voice: Five! Four! Three! Applause! Donny Osmond: Yeah! Welcome, it is Soap Opera week here on Pyramid, let's meet our contestants. First, Gene Lester is a database specialist, he's gonna be playing with "Days of Our Life's" star Joey Tribbiani! (Joey's amazed at the place and he keeps looking around till he realizes the audience is applauding him) Joey: (to Gene) I know it could be intimidating for regular people to be around celebrities but... relax, I'm just like you! (pause) Only better looking and richer. Donny: ...should be playing with the star of "General Hospital" Leslie Charleson. (applause) Welcome everybody. Good luck to all of you. Let's play Pyramid. All right? Now... we flipped a coin before the show, Gene, you won the toss, so you're gonna start. Which category would you like? Gene: I'll take "You crossed the line". Donny: You crossed the line. Joey, describe for Gene these things that have lines. Give me 20 seconds on the clock, please. Ready, go! Joey: (on the screen there's the word "Supermarket") Uhm... ok. It's a store, like a supermarket. (there is a sound indicating he made a mistake as he shouldn't have said 'supermarket'. The next word appears, "notebook") Oh! I see-I see what I did. Yeah, ok, ok, uhm... I'm writing in my... Gene: Diary. Joey: Noo, (whispering) more like a notebook... Damn it! (next word appears: "blueprint") Oh, if I'm building an house, the plan isn't called the 'shmoo-print'... Can't say that either? Woha... hey... (the last word is "Football field" and there are 5 seconds left) In high school, I once had sex with a girl right in the middle of the... Gene: Cafeteria. Joey: Yeah! But that is not what they're looking for. (time's finished) OOOH! [Scene: Monica's apartment, where Phoebe's bachelorette party is taking place.] Phoebe: (to Rachel) Thank you so much for this. Rachel: Oh, d'you like it? Phoebe: Oh my God, it's all so elegant! When's the dirty stuff starting? Rachel: What? Phoebe: You know, the strippers, and the guys dancing, and you know, pee-pee's flying about. Rachel: Pheebs, I... there isn't gonna be any flying about! We actually thought we were a little too mature for stuff like that. Phoebe: Oh, ok. I see what you're doing, that's fine. This is all there is, just tea, uh, ok. (she drinks her tea) Hmmmm... raunchy! Rachel: Seriously Pheebs, it's not gonna be that kind of a party. Phoebe: Really? So this is... this is my big send off in the married life? Rachel this is the only bachelorette party I'm ever gonna have! I've got a big wad of $1s in my purse! Really? I mean, really? It's just tea? Rachel: Nooo! Phoebe, of course there is more! I mean, I'll just go and talk to Monica and get an ETA on the pee-pee's! [Scene: Joey's at the game show "Pyramid" with host Donny Osmond.] Donny: Now Gene I must remind you, you need all six of these to stay in the game, all right? Describe for Joey things you find in your refrigerator. Joey: Ahaha, he might as well just give us the points. Donny: Give me twenty seconds on the clock. Ready? Go! (the first word is cream) Gene: You put this in your coffee. Joey: A spoon. Your hands. Your face! Gene: It's white! Joey: Paper, snow, a ghost! Gene: It's heavier then milk! Joey: A rock, a dog, the earth. Gene: Pass! (the second word is mayonnaise) Gene: You put this on a sandwich. Joey: Salami, anchovies, jam! Gene: It's white! Joey: Paper, snow, a ghost! Gene: It's made from eggs! Joey: Chickens? Gene: Pass! Joey: Oh! (The third word is ketchup) Gene: You put this on a hamburger! Joey: Ketchup! Gene: Yes! (The fourth word is soda) Joey: Relish! Gene: Stop! Joey: Oh. Donny: Oh, time's up! Joey! You were, uh, almost on a roll there... Joey: Yeah... Donny: Uh, Gene, you're gonna have a chance to go to the winner circle in the second half. But right now Henrietta you are going to the winner circle to try your luck for ten thousand dollars, right after this, don't go away. Stage Manager : And we're out! Joey: Oh, so we didn't win, but it's fun to play the game, right? Gene: Hey! I got a kid starting college. I've to get surgery on my knee, you just lost me ten grand! Joey: Oh, wow! I'm so sorry, ok? I promise, we'll do better next time! Gene: Well, I will, because I won't be playing with you. Joey: Hey, you know, some of those are pretty hard! Like why would there be a ghost in my fridge? (pause) . Yeah! [Scene: College reunion party. Ross is talking to Missy.] Ross: So, Saturday night! Missy: I'd love to! Ross: Great! Missy: So how come it took you so long to ask me out? Ross: Oh, well, uh, this is gonna sound kinda silly, but, do you remember my roommate Chandler Bing? Missy: Sure, he was in your "band"? (she air quotes band) Ross: It's been sixteen years but the air quotes still hurt. Missy: Sorry. Ross: That's ok. Uh, anyway, well he and I both really liked you a lot, uhm, but we didn't want anything to jeopardize our friendship, so we kinda made a pact, that neither of us could ask you out! Missy: Really? Ross: Yeah, why? Missy: Well, Chandler and I used to make out! A lot! Ross: You did? Missy: Yeah. We'd go to the science lab after hours! Ross: (angrily) AND ON MY TURF? [Scene: Monica's apartment. The bachelorette party.] Monica: (to Rachel) Hey, where is this guy, it's been over an hour! Rachel: Well, he's coming from Jersey, he said he would get here as fast as he could! (someone knocks at the door) Monica: Who is it? Man: It's the police! Rachel: (pretends to be shocked) Uh! The police! Phoebe: (Excited, running back to her seat) Oh! Man: That's right, it's officer Goodbody. Monica: What's the matter, officer? Has someone been bad? (looks over to Phoebe and she opens the door, and to their dismay, the stripper is an old, short, fat guy who looks exhausted) Roy, the male stripper: (coughs) Whoo, that's a lot of stairs! COMMERCIAL BREAK Roy: Ooh, boy. You should warn people there's no elevator! I should not have had that Mexican food for lunch. Monica: Are you gonna be ok, officer, uhm,... Roy: Goodbody! Monica: ...If-you-say-so. Roy: So where's the young lady who I'm supposed to take (he shakes his hips) downtown! (Monica points Phoebe) Phoebe: Oh, God! Roy: All right, somebody show me where to plug in my box, and we'll get this party started! (he thrusts his pelvis towards Phoebe) Whaaaa... (walks back to plug in his cd player) Here? All right. Phoebe: Rachel? Rachel: Yeah? Phoebe: Are you kidding? Rachel: All right, look, we did not know that you wanted a stripper so we went to the phonebook and we got the first name we could find! Phoebe: How old is your phonebook? Monica: Oh my God, this man is gonna get naked in my apartment! Phoebe: Oh God no, I don't wanna see him take his clothes off! Roy: Are you talking about me? Monica: Oh, no! I mean, obviously we want to see you take your clothes off! You big piece of eye candy! Roy: Ok, ok, ladies! Can I have your attention, please? (pause) Did someone call for the long arm of the law? (He extends his arm from around his crotch and then upward and outward, towards Phoebe) I should warn you, I have a concealed weapon! (Puts his hands over his crotch) I hope you're familiar with the States penal code, ok, ok, enough teasing. Now for some pleasing! (he uses his remote to turn on the music, "Tainted Love" by Soft Cell, and starts dancing for Phoebe. He shakes his butt, moves his shoulders back, grabs his crotch and hops towards Phoebe. Phoebe is half horrified and half scared. He takes his hat off and throws it away, does some "Can Can" high kicks and swings his butt in front of Phoebe who looks at it in disgust. Then he tears open his shirt and shows her his chest and she flinches.) Roy: Whoa, whoa, whoa (he turn off the music) . She cringed! Phoebe: This is how I look when I'm turned on! Roy: You were talking about me before! Look, I don't need this! I'm outta here! Where's my hat? (goes to get it) Look, I've been in this business for a long time! Phoebe: Shocking! Roy: Now if you just pay me my three hundred dollars, I'll be on my way! Phoebe: Three hundred dollars, are you kidding? Rachel: No, that's ok, let's me just get my check book! Phoebe: No, you're not gonna pay him, he didn't do anything! Roy: Didn't do anything? I took a bus all the way from Hoboken. I climbed ... I dunno... like a billion stairs... It's not like I can take them two at a time! Phoebe: I don't care. We're not paying you 300 dollars for this. Roy: Well, look - it's not my fault if you're too uptight to appreciate the male form in all it's glory. Phoebe: Oh yeah, okay. I'm uptight. Yeah, that's why I don't want to watch a middle aged guy dance around in what I can only assume is a child halloween costume! (turns to look at Monica and Rachel who look like they feel very sorry for the stripper) Roy: I may have borrowed this from my nephew, but let me assure you, what's underneath (points at his groin) ... is all man. Phoebe: I'm sorry, did you say all man or old man? Roy: (making a crying face) Oh, you're mean! Monica: (walks towards Phoebe and the stripper) Uh, look, officer... uhm Sir... Roy: Damnit. OH! (To Phoebe) Big surprise! The hunk of beef has feelings! [Scene: At Pyramid. Joey is with the woman now.] Donny: Ok Henrietta, you've picked Jack and Jill went up the hill. Joey: (To Henrietta) My friend Rachel has a kid. I totally know nursery rhymes! (makes a thumbs up sign) Donny: Joey describe these things associated with the United States congress. (Joey goes form looking very confident to looking very shocked the instant the word congress is said) Give me 20 seconds on the clock please. Ready? Go! (Camera goes to Joey. The clock is at 20 sec. The word "Legislature" appears. He looks at it blank faced and his eyes shift between Henrietta and his screen) Joey: Oh, .. uh... uh... pass. (Next word: "Rotunda") Pass. (Next word: "Filibuster" stares at it a moment) Pass. (Henrietta is looking very confused) (Next word: "Addendum" 4 seconds remaining) Okay, the little thing that hangs down at the back of your throat. Henrietta: Uvula! Joey: Oh, then pass. (Next word: "Joint session", but time's up, Joey acts very disappointed) Donny: O-kay... Henrietta, you didn't get all the points you needed, so that means Gene, you are going to the winners circle to try for ten thousand dollars! (Gene is clapping his hands looking very happy and so is Joey) And you're gonna be going there with Joey Tribbiani (Both of their smiles fade away instantly) [Scene: Class of '91 reunion. Ross is walking angrily towards Chandler, who is talking to two other guys.] Ross: (To Chandler) You made out with Missy Goldberg. How could you do that, after you promised me? (Chandler looks at the other two guys, embarrassed) Chandler: (to the two guys) Excuse me. (Chandler and Ross move away from them) . That didn't make us sound gay at all! Ross: You broke the pact! Chandler: Ross, that was 16 years ago! Ross: That doesn't matter! We're talking about the foundation of our friendship. Chandler: I believe the foundation of our friendship was unfortunate hair. (Ross just stares at him) All right, look, if we're really gonna do this... it's not like you never broke one of the pacts. Ross: I didn't. Chandler: Oh really? Ross: No. Chandler: Oh really!? Ross: NO! Chandler: ADRIENNE TURNER!! (A girl behind them turns around) Adrienne: Yes? Chandler and Ross: Hey! Hey Adrienne. (They move away from her) Ross: I never did anything with Adrienne Turner. Chandler: Oh please, and you knew how much I liked her. Ross: I don't know what... you're talking about. Chandler: Really? [Flashback scene: 80's College party.] Present Chandler's voice: Remember that big party? Freshman year? A week before Christmas vacation? I do. You had some visitors. (An 80's Rachel and fat Monica walk into the party room. Both with funny hairdos and clothes) Monica: I can't believe we are at a real college party! (Rachel laughs excitedly) I have to pee so bad! Rachel: This is so awesome! College guys are so cute! Monica: Hey, you've got a boyfriend! Rachel: I know. But if some guy who looks like Corey Haim wants to kiss me tonight, I'm sooo gonna let them! (They spot Chandler) Monica: Look, there's Chandler, you know, that stupid friend of Ross' who said I'm fat. You know I've already lost 4 pounds! Rachel: It... You can so totally tell. Monica: I KNOW! Rachel: Well let's see. Maybe he knows where Ross is. (They walk towards Chandler) Hey, how's it going (tries to look as un-interested in him as possible - checking out her nails) . Chandler: Aren't you...? Rachel: Yeah, Rachel. And this (points to Monica) is Ross' sister, Monica. We met at Thanksgiving. (looks around the room as if searching for something more interesting to do) . Chandler: (smiling at Monica) Right. (to Rachel) So how're you doing? Rachel: Bitchin' Chandler: Hi Monica. Monica: Hi Chandler. It's really nice to see you (rolls her eyes) NOT. (she and Rachel giggle a little and Chandler looks unimpressed) Chandler: O-kay. I'll see if I can find Ross. (Goes off to find Ross.) Monica: Oh my God Rach. Bean bag chairs. Rachel: Oh. Monica: Do NOT let me sit in one of those. We'll be here for days. (Cut to Chandler. He's walking around looking for Ross. He sees him kissing a girl next to a vending machine) Ross: Listen Adrienne, you can't tell Chandler about this. Adrienne: Oh believe me, Ross, I won't be telling anybody about this. Ross: Cool! (They start kissing again and Chandler looks shocked) [Scene: We cut back to the present. The reunion where Chandler and Ross are talking.] Ross: I didn't know you knew about that. Chandler: Well, I did and it hurt. (they walk towards the bar) That's when I wrote the song: "Betrayal In The Common Room". Ross: (looks disappointed in himself) Man... I... I'm sorry. Chandler: Look (hands him a drink) it was a lo-o-ong time ago. Ross: So, eh. I made out with Adrienne and you made out with Missy. Well I guess we're even. Chandler: (smiling a little nervously) Hmm mmmhm.. Ross: We are even, right? Chandler: (sighs) Just one more thing. I was so pissed at you that night that I wanted to get back at you. So I thought, who does Ross like the more than anybody? Ross: (thinks about it for a few seconds) What did you do to my mom? Chandler: Not her! [Flashback scene: We cut back to the 80's party. Rachel and Monica are "dancing".] Rachel: I am sooo drunk. Monica: That's weird. I've had the same number of beers as you and I don't feel anything at all. (Chandler approaches) Chandler: Soo... you girls having fun? Monica: For your information, ass munch, I've lost four pounds. Maybe even five with all the dancing. (A guy enters holding a pizza box) Pizza guy: SOMEBODY ORDER A PIZZA? Monica: Oh THATS ME! (she runs to the pizza guy) Rachel: (finishing the last of her drink) I am soo not going to do good on my SATs tomorrow. Chandler: Well maybe if you go to school here next year we can totally hang out. Rachel: (sarcastic) Oh yeah. There is a plan! Why don't I just start taking my smart pills now? Chandler: Well, maybe you can get in on a beauty scholarship. Rachel: (blushing) Oh, what a line. (walks towards the drinks table with her back towards Chandler and whispers "Oh my God!") Chandler: So where are you applying to? Rachel: Oh well, You know, I think it's kinda really important that I go somewhere where there's sun, so I'm sort of... (Chandler leans in an kisses her) (She pulls away) Hey! Chandler: I'm in college and I'm in a band. Rachel: (She considers it for a second) Yeah okay. (She puts her hands around his neck and they start kissing again)   [Scene: Monica's apartment. The stripper is sitting at the kitchen table. Monica, Rachel and Phoebe are standing around him] Roy: What's the matter? You never saw a 50 year old stripper cry before? Phoebe: You know, it's fine. We'll pay you. Roy: No, no, you're right. Who am I kidding? I should have hung up that breakaway jockstrap years ago. What am I gonna do? I mean, this has been my life for thirty two years. Taking my clothes off in front of people is all I know. Rachel: No, wait. No there's gotta be something else that you can do. I mean, what skills do you have? Roy: I don't know... I can make my pecs dance... I can pick up a dollar bill with my butt cheeks... I can go to that special place inside me where I feel no shame. Rachel: So maybe something in an office. Phoebe: Or you could teach stripping. You know, share your gift, pass the torch. Roy: You know, actually that's not a bad idea. I can do it out of my apartment. I don't think my mom would mind. Phoebe: There you go. Okay, do you think you're gonna be okay? Roy: Yeah, yeah, yeah... This is so weird. I mean, you never know when it's gonna be your last dance. And I didn't even get a chance to finish it. Phoebe: (after a pause) Finish it! Roy: What? Phoebe: Your last dance. Do it for us. Roy: Really? Rachel: (to Phoebe) Really? Phoebe: Yeah, yeah. He deserves to do the thing he loves one last time. Roy: Okay, all right... Get ready ladies! (they sit down and Roy plays "You Make Me Feel" by Sylvester on his boom box, and starts... With his back towards the girls, he starts waving his hands, then backs towards the girls slapping his butt, then swings it around, and makes thrusting pelvic movements in front of Phoebe. He dances around the tables in between all the girls, and gets back into the kitchen part of the room. He then tears off one of his sleeves and throws it towards Monica and Rachel, who fight over who gets it. He then tears off his other sleeve and moves it back and forth between his legs, getting closer to Phoebe.) Phoebe: Oh this is so ho-o-ot! (Roy then sits on Phoebe's lap, looking exhausted) Phoebe: Oh no, no, no, don't stop! Roy: (out of breath) Have to...   [Scene: The game show studio. Joey and Gene are sitting in the winner circle.] Donny: Well, welcome to the Winner Circle. Joey and Gene, you guys ready? Joey: (nervously) Yeah... Gene: (irritable) Sure. (Joey gets even more nervous) Donny: Okay. Give me sixty seconds on the clock please... Ready, GO! (runs off) (the screen says "6 to win" and "types of trees") Gene: Oak, maple, elm, birch... Joey: I-I-I don't know. Types of trees? (Joey hears the bell which means his answer is correct and is surprised. The screen now says "5 to win" and "Spanish words") Gene: Uhm... Buenos días, enchilada, por favor... Joey: (sympathetic) Oh, I'm so sorry. I don't know any Spanish words. (There's the next bell, and the correct answer. The screen changes to "4 to win" and "things that burn". Gene now realizes that he got two correct answers and gets up in his seat.) Gene: A match, a candle... Joey: Things that go "tssst" when you put them out. Gene: A torch, a bonfire... (Joey seems lost) uhm, your pee... Joey: Things that burn. (and another bell for the correct answer. "3 to win" and "What a dog might say") Gene: "I'd like to go for a walk", uhm "scratch my belly". Joey: Dude, dude! I think you're losing it. Gene: Uhm, "I have fur", "I like to bark". Joey: Oh, oh, oh... What a dog says. (the bell sounds again, "2 to win" and "pizza toppings") Gene: Pepperoni... Joey: (instantly) Pizza toppings, next! (there's 10 seconds left, "1 to win" and "Supermodels") Gene: Cindy Crawford, Christie Brinkley, Heidi Klum, Claudia Schiffer... Joey: Oh, oh, oh... (5 seconds left) Gene: Christie Turlington, Kate Moss... Joey: Girls Chandler could never get? Gene: (irritated) Supermodels! Joey: Where? (looking around) [Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment. Monica's there and Ross and Chandler walk in.] Ross: Hey, where's Rachel? Monica: She and Phoebe took the stripper to the hospital. Ross: Did you know Chandler kissed Rachel? Monica: What? When was this? Ross: Nineteen Eighty Seven. The weekend you guys visited me at school. Monica: Oh my God! That's wild! Chandler: Yeah, but it was like a million years ago, so it doesn't matter. Ross: Well, it matters to me. Chandler: Why? Ross: Because... the night you kissed Rachel was the night I kissed Rachel for the very first time. Chandler: You kissed her that night too? Monica: Two guys in one night? Wow, I thought she became a slut after she got her nose fixed. Chandler: Seriously, where did this happen? Ross: Okay, after you told me she was passed out in our room, I went in there to make sure she was all right. She was lying on my bed, all buried in peoples' coats. Well, I went to kiss her on the forehead, you know. But it was so dark, I accidentally got her lips. I started to pull away, but then I felt her start to kiss me back. It was only for a second, but... it was amazing. And now, now I find out that you kissed her first. Chandler: Oh wait... What bed did you say she was on? Ross: Mine. Chandler: I'm pretty sure I put her on my bed. Ross: No, she was definitely on my bed. Chandler: Why would I kiss a girl, and then put her on your bed? Ross: Well, then who was on my bed? Monica: (screeching) OH! Oh, oh! (holding her hand in front of her mouth) Ross: (realizing) NO! No, no! Monica: YES! (Chandler gets an "oh no!" look on his face) Ross: You were under the pile of coats? Monica: I was the pile of coats! Ross: OH MY GOD! Monica: You were my Midnight Mystery Kisser? Ross: You were my first kiss with Rachel? Monica: You were my first kiss ever? Chandler: What did I marry into? COMMERCIAL BREAK [Scene: Back at the party in 1987. People are dancing to "Disco Inferno" by The Trammps.] (Monica is dancing. At first she seems insecure and moves slowly, but then gets into the groove and swings her hips from side to side while holding her hands up. She then eats the last piece of pizza she was holding and again moves her hips from side to side, pushing her hands in the air in beat with the music. Her moves get more wildly while she's snapping her fingers. She loses balance and falls back onto a pink bean bag.) Monica: Oh, crap! THE END 1011 脱衣舞男之泪 嘿,伙计们… 等等,我来跟他们讲。 乔伊要在一个益智节目中做嘉宾了。 真的？哪个节目？ 鱼，海草，沉船… 海中之物…你要上智力金字塔! 哦，那是我们最喜欢的益智节目了! 除了匹配赛以外! 还有输赢签。 瞧瞧我结的亲家。 你们想明天来看我录节目吗？ 不行，我们要给菲比开个婚前告别单身狂欢。 对喽，抱歉，兄弟们，此路不通。 哦，钱德勒和我要参加一个校友聚会。 难以置信你要跟Donny Osmond做节目。 当真？ 当然!？ 罗斯和我以前总想学Donny和Marie一样。 你们俩还越说越起劲儿了。 对，我们以前还在家里和朋友面前表演过嘞。 哦，没错，我还真给它忘了。 我来段乡村民谣。 那我就来段摇滚。 我要离开你了。 又见到这些人了。 哦，我的上帝，那是Jeffrey Claric。 谁？ John Rusolf的室友。 他当时跟Andria Tembrino拍拖。 她后来又跟Michael Sklauf好上了。 我上的是这所学校吗？ 嘿，那是Missey Golberg，你肯定记得她。 当然，她很正点。 哥们儿，你可跟我老妹结了婚的。 你说的没错，我夸她正点就是跟她不正经了？ 嘿，我听说她又单身了，你说我是不是该跟她约会呢？ 你是不是想要打破君子协定？ 对了，求求你。 嘿。 瞧瞧乐队的传单。 我在机房的苹果机上做的。 乖乖，名字还挺醒目的。 这多亏有了24针Helvetic打印机。 哥们儿，我们要在"亚学联"盖了。 嘿,伙计们。 嘿,Missey。 你知道吗，我们乐队星期五演出。 是啊，你该来看看。 我们管它叫"行，还是不行"。 不行。 行! 好吧，我去。 她走了。 我知道。 你知道吗，我一定要约(钓/泡/拍)到她。 哥们儿，我还想约她呢。 是我先说的，兄弟。 那我还先想到的呢，老哥。 听着，你要是约… 等等，我们在干吗呢？ 我们俩可不能重色轻友反目成仇，再说，天涯何处无芳草。 就是。 我高中就有性生活了。 我也是，我是情场高手。 好吧，我们俩立个君子协定， 谁都不许跟Missey Golberg约会。 一言为定。 那么，现在我们就不能跟Missey Golberg，Phoebe Kate， 还有Molly Ringwalt约会了。 没错，约法三章。 哦，还有Shina Easten，反正我们也追不上她。 你追不上她倒是真的。 好吧，我正式授权允许你打破君子协定。 谢谢。 好，我要上啦。 嘿，还记得上学时你跟女孩说话都慌神吗？ (你钓马子有多紧张) 你的手在发抖呢。 我知道,我还一个劲地冒汗。 5，4，3，鼓掌。 欢迎大家，这里是智力金字塔，肥皂剧之周。 来看看选手们。首先，是数据库专家Jean Lester。 他的搭档是"Days of Our Lives"剧中的明星Joey Tribbiani。 嘿，我知道普通人跟名人在一起时都会紧张。 不过没事儿，我跟你差不多，就是好看点儿，钱多点儿。 …要跟"General Hospital"剧中的明星Lesley Charlson搭档。 欢迎大家，祝各位好运。 我们开始玩智力金字塔，好吗？ 我们在节目开始之前已经抛过硬币了。 Jean，你猜对硬币，所以你先开始。 你选那组题目？ 我选"You Cross The Line"。 You Cross The Line。 Joey，你给Jean描述那些有线条的东西。 限时20秒。 预备，开始。 呃，象超市一样的商店…哦！ 我明白，我明白。 呃，我写… 日记。 不是，更象个笔记本…该死！ 哦，要是我建所房子，那个规划，不是叫平面图的… 带个图字都不行？ 在高中，有一次我跟个女孩在… 校食堂。 在那儿是有过那么一次，不过那不是他们要的那个词。 你们办的还真不错。 哦，你喜欢吗？ 哦，我的上帝，还挺高雅的呢。 什么时候开始来点儿刺激的？ 什么？ 你知道的，脱衣舞男啦，男子艳舞啦，PP晃来晃去之类的。 Phoebs，我… 今天没有艳舞表演。 事实上，我们觉得我们老大不小的了，还玩这些？ 哦，好吧。 我知道你们在干吗，好的。 今天就是个茶话会，好的。 呒，真脏啊。 真的，Phoebs，这不是那种狂欢。 真的？这就是我的婚前单身告别会？ Rachel，我可就只有这一次单身告别会啊。 我提包里可有一大筐的酒呢。 真的？今天就只是茶话会？ 当然不是了。 Phoebe，还有别的呢(好戏在后头)。 我是说，我去问问Monica，看什么时候上PP艳舞。 现在，Jean，我必须提醒你， 你得答对下面所有的6个题目才能过关。 给Joey描述冰箱里的物品。 我看这简直是给我们送分啊。 限时20秒。预备，开始。 你往咖啡里加的东西。 勺子，手，脸。 它是白色的。 纸，雪，鬼！ 它比牛奶重。 呃，石头，狗，地球。 过。 你往三明治上放的东西。 萨拉米香肠，凤尾鱼，果酱。 白色的。 纸，雪，鬼！ 它使用鸡蛋做的。 小鸡？ 过。 你往汉堡包上放的东西。 番茄酱。 对。停。 奶油蛋卷。 哦，时间到。 Joey，你…差点儿就上榜了。 Jean，你下半场还可能有机会进入决胜圈的。 但是现在，Henriada， 你待会儿将进入决胜圈一试运气赢取$10000。 不要走开。 暂停。 哦，我们没赢，不过乐在其中也不错，对吧？ 我有个孩子刚上大学，我的膝盖要做手术， 你刚刚让我损失一万美金。 喔。 抱歉，我保证下一轮我们发挥好一点。 我会发挥好一些，因为我不会跟你搭档了。 你要知道，有些题目也太难了点。 例如我的冰箱里怎么会有鬼的？ 那么，星期六晚上。 我很愿意。 太好了。 你怎么这么长时间才约我？ 呃，这听起来有些愚蠢，但是… 你还记得我的室友Chandler Bing？ 当然，他在你的"乐队"里。 已经16年了，不过那个引号还是挺伤人的。 对不起。 没关系。 呃，总之，我们那时都很喜欢你， 但是我们又不想为此伤友谊， 所以我们约定谁也不能跟你约会。 真的？ 是啊，怎么了？ 呃，Chandler和我经常一块儿亲热。 你们俩？ 对呀，我们常在下课后到实验室去。 还在我的地盘上？ 嘿，那家伙还没来？都一个多小时了。 他要从Jersey赶过来，他说会尽快赶到的。 谁呀？ 警察。 哦，警察！ 没错，是Good Body警官。 出什么事啦，警官？是不是有人调皮了？ 唔，这么多楼梯。 唔，老天！ 你们应该告诉人家这栋楼没电梯。 我午饭不该吃墨西哥菜。 你没事吧,警官… Good Body。 你非要那么说的话。 那么，哪位是我要“逮捕”的年轻女士啊？ 哦，上帝。 好了，谁告诉我插座在哪，我们开始狂欢吧。 Rachel？ 啊？ 呃，你是不是在开我的玩笑？ 好吧，我们原来不知道你想要脱衣舞男，所以 我们临时在电话簿上找了一个。 你们的电话簿有多老了？ 哦，我的上帝，这个男人要在我的公寓里脱光光！ 哦，上帝，不要。我可不想看他跳脱衣舞。 你们在说我吗？ 哦，不。 我是说，我们显然是要看你跳脱衣舞的， 你这个万人迷。 好的，女士们，请注意了。 有人呼唤法律的巨擘了吗？ 我要警告你，我有秘密武器呦。 我希望你们熟悉本州法律规则。 好了好了，玩笑开够了，现在该乐一乐了。 喔，她躲着我。 这就是我兴奋时候的样子。 你们刚才就是在说我。 我可不需要这些。 我要走了，我的帽子呢？ 我干这行已经很长时间了。 骇人听闻。 现在，你付我300块，我这就走人。 300？你开什么玩笑？ 没关系，我来拿支票。 不，你不用付他钱，他什么也没干。 什么也没干？ 我大老远的从Holbolken搭公交车赶来， 我爬了，天知道的，上亿的台阶。 这可不像是我平时的消遣。 我不管，我们才不会就为这个付给你300块钱。 那好，你那么保守，欣赏不了男性的身材和魅力， 这又不是我的错。 哦，是，我保守，对， 所以我不想看个半大老头儿 穿一身我敢说是小孩万圣节的行头跳脱衣舞。 我也许是从我侄子那儿借的衣服， 但我担保衣服里头可是货真价实的真男人。 哦，抱歉，你是说真男人还是老男人？ 哦，你可真刻薄。 哦，瞧，警官… 哦，该死，啊！ 没想到吧，大胖子也很脆弱。 鼓掌。 好，Henriada，你选了"Jack and Jill Went Up The Hill"。 我朋友Rachel有个小孩，我对儿歌很熟悉。 Joey，描述以下跟美国国会有关的事物。 限时20秒。 预备，开始。 (立法机关) 呃，过。 (国会大厦圆形大厅) 过。 (阻碍议事) 过。 (附加议案) 呃，你喉咙后面挂着的小东西。 悬雍垂(小舌头)。 哦，那，过。 (参众联席会议) 好了，Henriada，你没有得到所需的点数， 所以，那就意味着，Jean， 你将进入决胜圈来赢取$10000， 而且你将与Joey Tribbiani一起参赛。 你跟Missey Golberg亲热过？ 你怎么能在向我保证过之后还这么做？ 失陪一下。 那听起来倒一点不象同性恋。 你违反了君子协定。 Ross，那是16年前的事了。 那也不行，现在说的是我们之间友谊的基础。 我以为我们之间友谊的基础是难堪的发型。 好吧，你看，要是我们真的明算账的话， 你也不是没干过违反君子协定的事。 我没有。 真的？ 没有。 真的？！ 没有！ Agerin Turner！ 啊？ 嘿。 我从没跟Agerin Turner搅和到一起。 哦，得了吧，你知道我有多喜欢他。 我不知道你在说什么。 真的？还记得那个入学后第一个圣诞节假期 前一周的晚会吗？ 我记得，当时有人找你。 难以置信我们在一个真的大学聚会上。 我兴奋的直想尿尿。 这可真棒。 大学男生好可爱。 嘿，你有男朋友了。 我知道。 不过要是有个象Corey Ham的想亲我，我是不会拒绝的。 嘿，那是Chandler。 你知道的，Ross的傻朋友，说我胖的那个。 你要知道，我都瘦掉4磅了。 就是，一眼就看得出来。 我就知道！ 问问他Ross在哪。 嘿，怎么样？ 你不是… 对,Rachel。 这是Ross的妹妹，Monica。我们感恩节见过。 对。 那，您怎么样？ 更浪了。 嗨，Monica。 嗨，Chandler。我是说，见到你很高兴...才怪。 好吧。 我看看能不能找到Ross。 哦我的天，Rach，充气椅。 千万别让我坐上去，不然我们就走不了了。 听着，Agerin，你可不能告诉Chandler。 哦，相信我，Ross，我不会告诉任何人的。 酷。 我以为你不知道。 但是我知道了，我还很伤心。 所以我才写了"在休息室被背叛"那首歌。 嘿，对不起。 好了，那都是陈年往事了。 那，我跟Agerin亲热，而你跟Missey亲热。 我看我们俩扯平了。 我们俩扯平了，对吧？ 还有一件事。 那晚我特生你的气，想报复你， 所以我当时想，谁是Ross最喜欢的人呢。 你对我妈做了什么？ 不是她。 我可真醉了。 那就怪了，我跟你喝的差不多，怎么我一点事儿没有。 你们俩玩的好吗？ 跟你说，好的不得了。 我瘦了4磅，没准儿跳完舞会瘦5磅。 有人定比萨饼了吗？ 哦，是我。 我明天的入学考试算是没戏了。 那，明年也许你可以到我们这儿来上大学， 我们可以一块玩玩。 哦，对，你说得挺轻松， 那我干脆现在就吃点脑灵通得了。 唔，没准儿你能拿到选美奖学金呢。 哦，别骗人了(嘀咕：我的老天！) 那，你都申请了哪些学校？ 唔，你知道，我觉着我要去的地方应该阳光明媚， 这很重要，所以我想… 嗨！ 我是大学生，还是乐队成员。 那好吧。 怎么啦，你们没见过五十岁的脱衣舞男哭过吗？ 你看，算了吧，我们付你钱还不行吗。 不是那么回事儿，你说的对，我在开谁的玩笑？ 早几年我就该用那条脱开的护身带上吊算了。 现在我该怎么办？ 我是说，我干这个都32年了。 我只会在人家面前脱衣服。 哦，等等，一定还有别的事你能做的。 我是说，你还有什么技术吗？ 我不知道。 我能跳肚皮舞。 我可以用屁股蛋儿捡/夹起1美元的钞票。 我能变得毫无廉耻之心。 那你也许可以从政。 或者你可以教人跳脱衣舞。 你知道吗？分享你的才能，发扬光大。 对呀，这主意不赖，我可以在我的公寓外头干。 我想我妈不会介意的。 这下好啦，你感觉好一点了吧？ 对，好点了。世事难料啊。 你不会知道什么时候曲终人散。 而且我甚至都没能跳完最后一支舞。 那你把它跳完吧。 什么？ 你的最后一次，给我们跳完吧。 你当真？ 是的，他应该最后再做一次他喜爱的事。 好的，准备好了，女士们。 哦，这可真让人兴奋！ 哦，别，别停下来。 跳不动了。 欢迎来到决胜圈。Joey，Jean，你们准备好了吗？ 好了。 当然。 好，限时60秒。 预备，开始。 橡树，枫树，榆树，桦树… 呃，我不知道，树种？ (西班牙语) 哦，抱歉，我一点不懂西班牙语。 火柴，蜡烛… 扑灭时发出"嗞"声的东西。 火炬，篝火… 哦，你的小便。 燃烧物。 我要去散散步。 挠挠我的肚皮。 哥们儿，我觉得你说的太乱了。 呃，我有毛，我会吠叫。 哦，What A Dog Says。 意大利辣香肠… 比萨饼料。下一个！ 辛迪.克劳馥，克莉斯蒂.布林克利， 海蒂.克劳姆，克劳迪娅.西佛。 克莉斯蒂.特林顿，凯特.玛斯… Chandler永远追不上的姑娘。 超级名模！ 在哪？！ 嘿，Rachel在哪？ 她和Phoebe送脱衣舞男上医院了。 你知不知道Chandler吻过Rachel？ 什么？什么时候？ 1987年。你们俩上学校找我去的那个周末。 我的天，那也太放肆了。 是，不过那是很久以前的事了，没什么要紧的。 但那对我很要紧。 为什么? 因为你吻Rachel的那晚是我第一次吻Rachel。 你那晚也吻Rachel了？ 一晚上两个男人？ 我还以为她整过鼻子以后才变得放荡了呢。 真的，你在哪儿吻的Rachel？ 是这样的，你告诉我Rachel在我们屋里睡过去之后， 我进去看看她怎么样了。 她躺在我床上，睡在一堆衣服下面。 呃，我过去想吻她的额头， 但屋里太暗，我不小心亲到了她的嘴唇， 我想回身但我觉得她也开始吻我。 那只有一瞬间但感觉太奇妙了。 但是现在，我却发现你先吻了她。 呃,等等,你刚才说她在哪张床上？ 我床上。 我记得很清楚我把她放到我床上的。 不对,她肯定是在我床上。 我干吗吻完一个姑娘后把她放到你床上？ 那当时我床上的是谁？ 哦，哦，哦！ 不，不，不！ 是的！ 你在那堆衣服下面？ 那堆衣服就是我。 哦，我的上帝！ 你是我的午夜神秘接吻人？ 你是我和Rachel的初吻？ 你就是我这辈子的初吻？！ 瞧瞧我结的什么亲家。 哦，倒霉！