BK_SANS_001616

The Bro C o d e Barney STinSon with MaTT Kuhn D A R T I C L E 1 3 d All Bros shall dub one of their Bros his wingman. MIx And MATCh: FAMous WIngMEn Michael Jordan o o Scooby Snoopy o o dan Quayle han Solo o o hot Wings George h. W. Bush o o Woodstock Bert o o Chewbacca Shaggy o o Scottie Pippen Beer o o ernie A Bro shall be kind and courteous to his co-workers, unless they are beneath him on the Pyramid of Screaming. america was built on the backs of men and women who were yelled at to work harder, and the tradition has been screamed from generation to generation. But you can’t just scream at anybody . . . you can only scream at those beneath you. To illustrate how it works, here’s the Scream Pyramid for a professional football team: D A R T I C L E 1 7 d oWnER hEAd CoACh AssIsTAnT CoACh quARTERbACk TEAMMATEs punTER IMpoRTAnT noTE: if you find yourself at the bottom, don’t fret. The beauty of the pyramid is that you can always add a layer to the foundation. The janitorial crew, the sleepy- eyed security man, or anyone who doesn’t speak english is a great place to start. it’s no different inside the office, as exemplified by my own corporate Scream Pyramid: here is a blank Scream Pyramid for you to fill in. if you’re not sure where you fit, you can always trick a bro- worker into screaming at someone and then see where the pieces fall. That’s how i figured out i was above the VP of Synergy. boARd oF dIRECToRs bARnEy v.p. synERgy pREsIdEnT oF FRAnCE classified classified A Bro shall not sleep with another Bro’s sister. However, a Bro shall not get angry if another Bro says, “Dude, your sister’s hot!” D A R T I C L E 1 9 d ChECkLIsT FoR Bro-Proofing youR hoME o hide all pictures of hot sisters, moms, and first cousins. o open liquor bottles and dust the bar area to give the impression you actually use it. o as a courtesy, move printed porn from the bedroom to the bathroom. o Scan dVr playlist and remove embarrassing television pro- grams like daytime talk shows. o open all windows. o display all remote controls on the coffee table, regardless of functionality. o disconnect answering machine, or . . . o Call Mom an hour before your Bros arrive. o Coasters, coasters, coasters! o Sign out of email account. o usher girlfriend/booty call off the premises. CoRoLLARy: it’s probably best for everyone if Bros just hide pictures of their sisters when other Bros are coming over. D A R T I C L E 2 5 d A Bro doesn’t let another Bro get a tattoo, particularly a tattoo of a girl’s name. The average relationship between a man and a woman lasts eighty-three days. The relationship between a man and his skin lasts a lifetime and must be nurtured, because as we all know, the skin is the largest and second most important organ a man has. bARnEy sTInson’s FIELd guIdE To TATToos TRAnsLATIonTATToo “Hey, everybody, look at me! Not only have I made the foolish mistake of choosing a lifetime of monogamy, but I have permanently branded myself as off-limits.” TRAnsLATIonTATToo “Hey, everybody, look at me! This band looks like a scar of manhood that I earned after my village banished me to the hinterlands for seven days with no food or water . . . like in that Kevin Bacon basketball movie.” “Hey, everybody, look at me! I have a fearsome dragon on my arm! Are you scared? Good, because I’m hoping this baby wards off intruders from my mom’s basement.” bARnEy sTInson’s FIELd guIdE To TATToos (cont.) TRAnsLATIonTATToo “Hey, everybody, look at me! I’m governed by an Eastern philosophy, as these significant Cantonese and/or Mandarin characters chiseled into my flesh may or may not indicate. If I spoke or read this particular language, perhaps I could explain my perspective more clearly, but I guess you’ll just have to take the scary-looking tattoo artist’s word for it. I know I did.” “Hey, everybody, look at me! There’s an important message inked on my fingers. It has to be ten letters or less and you can only read it when I’m waterskiing or getting arrested, but still, it’s an important message that wholly represents my creed.” When on the prowl, a Bro hits on the hottest chick first because you just never know. D A R T I C L E 3 1 d CuRREnT hoT ChICk RATIngs 1. half-asian Chicks w2 Multiethnic? Multiyesnic! 2. Lebanese Girls u1 Lebaplease girls! 3. Politician’s u1 daddy’s issues = daughters daddy’s issues 4. Mute Women or one thing’s for sure: they are handy 5. eighties Music w112 Crawled over a Video Chicks Corvette hood into the top ten 6. really Tall Chicks w4 Can reach the ceiling fan . . . from the bed 7. Mermaids or Wet. Wild. Wonderful. 8. Chicks raised w883 Guaranteed crazy in a Cult factor 9. army Chicks u4 drop and give us something . . . please! 10. Girls on u4 Too fast, too furious rollerblades D A R T I C L E 4 2 d Upon greeting another Bro, a Bro may engage in a high five, fist bump, or Bro hug, but never a full embrace. ExECuTIng A bRo hug Step 1: interlocking hand clasp Step 2: Lean torsos together, maintaining safe groin perimeter Step 3: one pat on the back A Bro never publicly reveals how many chicks he’s banged. CoRoLLARy: a Bro also never reveals how many chicks another Bro has banged. When a chick meets a Bro, there are three things she wants to know: 1. how much money does he make? 2. is he shorter than her? 3. how many chicks has he banged? eventually, she will figure out the first two, but a Bro never answers the third question. if, however, a Bro feels compelled to answer (i.e., sex is being withheld until he supplies a tally), he can calculate an acceptable number using the following formula: D A R T I C L E 4 8 d hoW MAny ChICks Is IT sAFE FoR A bRo To sAy hE’s bAngEd? n = (a/10 + s)0 + 5 n = number of chicks a = Bro’s age s = inquiring chick’s slut factor (1 = nun, 10 = former nun) A Bro is required to alert another Bro if the Bro/Chick Ratio at a party falls below 1:1. However, to avoid Broflation, a Bro is only allowed to alert one Bro. Further, a Bro may not speculate on the anticipated Bro/Chick Ratio of a party or venue without first disclosing the present-time observed ratio. D A R T I C L E 5 6 d bRo/ChICk RATIo vs. LIkELIhood oF gETTIng ACTIon 120 - 100 - 60 - 40 - 20 - 0 - L Ik E L Ih o o d o F g E T T In g A C T Io n (% ) bRo/ChICk RATIo Chicklandia sausage Zone 1/100 1/75 1/50 1/35 1/20 1/10 1/4 1/1 2/1 D A R T I C L E 5 9 d A Bro must always post bail for another Bro, unless it’s out of state or, like, crazy expensive. WhEn Is bAIL CRAZy ExpEnsIvE? Crazy expensive Bail > (years you’ve Been Bros) × $100 D A R T I C L E 7 5 d A Bro automatically enhances another Bro’s job description when introducing him to a chick. Chicks like to stretch the truth about their age, promiscuity, and sometimes—with the help of extensive makeup and structural lingerie—even their body shape. as such, it’s fair game for Bros to exaggerate reality when asked about their brofession. it’s also smart: a Bro’s career is to a chick what a chick’s boobs are to a Bro. hoW To InvEnT A Job ChICks WILL ThInk Is hoT unIvERsAL ChICk InTEREsTs youR Job interior design Creativity Clothes “i invented the walk-in closet.” unIvERsAL ChICk InTEREsTs youR Job ice Cream Muscles Money Shoes animals Charity “i’m a muscular ice cream tycoon.” “i design shoes for diabetic cats.” When a Bro meets a chick, he shall endeavor to find out where she fits on the Hot/Crazy Scale before pursuing her. The theory of evolution alleges that men evolved from monkeys . . . but what about women? it seems that as men became less hairy, more upright, and less interested in throwing their own poo, women became more attractive but somehow more crazy. Today’s chicks like to straddle the line between hot and crazy: the hotter they are, the crazier they are; the crazier they are, the hotter they seem. all of this is confusing to a Bro and, very often, dangerous. how is a Bro to know whether a chick is hot and crazy in a “let’s duck into the bathroom” kind of way, or hot and crazy in a “let’s huff paint and stalk your ex-girlfriends” kind of way? Fortunately, i’ve devised a test that allows Bros to quickly determine where a chick fits on the hot/Crazy Scale. answer yes or no to each question in the columns, add up your “yes” answers, and then plot the coordinates on the hot/Crazy Scale. ideally, your chick is right on the line, but if she’s anywhere above it, run away. D A R T I C L E 8 6 d hoT yEs no Likes to sing aloud to Poison songs Can name a player from every nFL team exhibits some daddy issues Plays with the hair on her head Full of wild animal magnetism Squeezes your leg while talking Wears a slinky dress Softly kisses you good night Blinks her eyes at you seductively hoT Coordinate CRAZy yEs no Likes to sing aloud about poison has served time with a player from every nFL team exhibits some daddy issues Shaves the hair on her head apartment full of wild animals Squeezes your face while talking Wears a Slinky Softly stabs you in the neck has never once blinked at you CraZy Coordinate hoT vs. CRAZy ThE hoT/CRAZy sCALE C R A Z y 10 - 9 - 8 - 7 - 6 - 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 hoT A Bro shall always say yes in support of a Bro. When out and about, you must be prepared to affirm anything a Bro tells a chick. “yes, he’s single.” “yes, we’re navy SeaLs.” “yes, he invented Facebook.” While this usually entails stretching the truth about personal wealth, athletic prowess, or the ability to operate various aircraft, on occasion you’ll be required to pretend you’re from out of town. if you can stomach dressing up like someone’s dad, pre- tending to be a tourist in your own hometown is a great way to score chicks . . . if you’re ready with a believable backstory. D A R T I C L E 8 9 d hoW To sound LIkE A TouRIsT hi, i’m (real first name) (bird of prey) . i’m from (compass direction) (biblical locale) , (Midwestern or rectangular state) . Go, Fightin’ (woodland creatures) ! yep, it was a great place to grow up. Walking down Main Street at (time of day) , and dropping in at (three-letter male name) ’s for some homemade (diabetic dessert) , well, it makes my eyes water and my tummy grumble just thinking about it, yessiree. From time to time i like to check in on ol’ Mrs. (tree species) , bless her heart, and her prize-winning (color) (plural vegetable) . My high school sweetheart (flower type) and i used to neck up on (dangerous animal) (body of water) Point. Thought we’d get married but the good Lord had other plans for her in the form of a (american sedan) losing control round (american president) ’s Curve. after she passed, i took up (piece of furniture) whittling to ease the pain, but, golly, i sure don’t meet many ladies in that line of work, specially not ones as pretty as you. Gosh, you’re prettier than a (barnyard animal) on a(n) (season) day, glistening in the (celestial body) shine. D A R T I C L E 9 5 d A Bro shall alert another Bro to the presence of a chesty woman, regardless of whether or not he knows the Bro. Such alerts may not be administered verbally. hoW To sIgnAL WhEn boobs ARE pREsEnT The Shoe TaP—To be avoided in public restrooms The eye redireCT The SWiFT Shin KiCK—d cups and up only, please A Bro shall take great care in selecting and training his wingman. D A R T I C L E 1 0 2 d WIngMAn AppLICATIon name: ____________________________________________________________ Alias: ____________________________________________________________ (e.g., Jack Package, the Barnacle) special skills: (e.g., PowerPoint, speak German, masseur) on the scale below, please rate your attractiveness. 1——2——3——4——5——6——7——8——9——Barney Stinson Multiple Choice 2. historically, a chick does not enjoy jokes about her: a. face b. shoes c. intelligence d. none of the above 1. you are the sessions drummer for Van halen. Who is not your lead singer? a. david Lee roth b. Gary Cherone c. Sammy hagar d. Barney Stinson short Answer you are character a. Character B is your wingman. explain what game you would run and why. ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ Essay question on the back of this application, write about a person who has made a significant impact on your life. A Bro never leaves another Bro hanging. Besides the obvious health hazards inherent in keeping an arm aloft for an extended period of time, the emotional effects of leaving a Bro out to dry in public can be devastating. if you ever see a Bro, even one you don’t know, looking around frantically with a paw held high in the air, throw him a brone and hit him up top. D A R T I C L E 1 0 7 d CoMMon bRo FIvEs CLaSSiC FiVe The FiST BuMP around The WorLd The exPLodinG FiST BuMP The SeLF FiVe The reLaPSe FiVe Bro Code FiVe! (tear this one out and carry it with you so you’ll never be left hanging . . . ) A Bro abides by the accepted age-difference formula when pursuing a younger chick. D A R T I C L E 1 1 3 d 22 . . . . . . . . 18 23 . . . . . . . 18.5 24 . . . . . . . . 19 25 . . . . . . . 19.5 26 . . . . . . . . 20 27 . . . . . . . 20.5 28 . . . . . . . . 21 29 . . . . . . . 21.5 30 . . . . . . . . 22 31 . . . . . . . 22.5 32 . . . . . . . . 23 33 . . . . . . . 23.5 34 . . . . . . . . 24 35 . . . . . . . 24.5 36 . . . . . . . . 25 37 . . . . . . . 25.5 38 . . . . . . . . 26 39 . . . . . . . 26.5 40 . . . . . . . . 27 41 . . . . . . . 27.5 42 . . . . . . . . 28 43 . . . . . . . 28.5 44 . . . . . . . . 29 45 . . . . . . . 29.5 46 . . . . . . . . 30 47 . . . . . . . 30.5 48 . . . . . . . . 31 49 . . . . . . . 31.5 50 . . . . . . . . 32 51 . . . . . . . 32.5 52 . . . . . . . . 33 53 . . . . . . . 33.5 54 . . . . . . . . 34 55 . . . . . . . 34.5 56 . . . . . . . . 35 57 . . . . . . . 35.5 58 . . . . . . . . 36 59 . . . . . . . 36.5 60 . . . . . . . . 37 61 . . . . . . . 37.5 62 . . . . . . . . 38 63 . . . . . . . 38.5 64 . . . . . . . . 39 65 . . . . . . . 39.5 66 . . . . . . . . 40 67 . . . . . . . 40.5 68 . . . . . . . . 41 69 . . . . . . . heh 70 . . . . . . . . 42 71 . . . . . . . 42.5 72 . . . . . . . . 43 73 . . . . . . . 43.5 74 . . . . . . . . 44 75 . . . . . . . 44.5 76 . . . . . . . . 45 77 . . . . . . . 45.5 78 . . . . . . . . 46 79 . . . . . . . 46.5 80 . . . . . . . . 47 81 . . . . . . . 47.5 82 . . . . . . . . 48 83 . . . . . . . 48.5 84 . . . . . . . . 49 85 . . . . . . . 49.5 86 . . . . . . . . 50 87 . . . . . . . 50.5 88 . . . . . . . . 51 89 . . . . . . . 51.5 90 . . . . . . . . 52 91 . . . . . . . 52.5 92 . . . . . . . . 53 93 . . . . . . . 53.5 94 . . . . . . . . 54 95 . . . . . . . 54.5 96 . . . . . . . . 55 97 . . . . . . . 55.5 98 . . . . . . . . 56 99 . . . . . . . 56.5 100 . . . . . . . 57 Bro Chick Bro Chick Bro Chick Bro Chick Bro Chick Bro Chick ACCEpTAbLE AgE-dIFFEREnCE FoRMuLA x <_ y/2 + 7 x = chick’s age; y = Bro’s age This formula limits crafty old-timers from scooping up all the younger hotties, while also preventing Bros from seeing a crusty old man with a hot chick and being forced to imagine them getting it on in his adjustable bed. AgE-dIFFEREnCE REFEREnCE ChART (for your wallet) $ In a scenario where two or more Bros are watching entertainment of the adult variety, one Bro is forbidden from intentionally or unintentionally touching another Bro in Any capacity. This may include but is not limited to: the high five, the fist bump, or the congratulatory gluteal pat. Winking is also kind of a no-no. D A R T I C L E 1 2 6 d pRE–sTRIp CLub ChECkLIsT o Converted sufficient funds to singles in the local currency. o hid aTM and credit cards deep in wallet yet still accessible in case of rare “twins” scenario. o Got drunk. o Planted fake “movie producer” business cards on person where they might “accidentally” fall out into cleavage of dancer(s). o Pledged to avoid dancers with names like Smokey, hepatitia, and Thunder. o Turned off heat/aC in apartment, saving both utility costs and the environment. o not wearing jeans. o read in-depth synopsis of movie girlfriend thinks you’re going to see. $ A Bro will always help another Bro reconstruct the events from the previous night, unless those events entail hooking up with an ugly chick or the Bro repeatedly saying “I love you, man” to all his Bros. MAC—Memory assistance and/or Correction—often comes into play around the holidays because when people gather together with loved ones, the need to drink alcohol increases exponentially. halloween is a time when Bros are especially susceptible to memory loss due to the lethal combination of abundant sweet things, liquor, and of course, candy. in fact, one year i awoke with four new phone numbers but no idea who gave them to me. Fortunately, based on the times i saved the numbers into my phone and a few hazy memories of the four different costumes i wore at the party the night before, i was able to create a logic matrix. i dressed up as a Viking, a ninja, Teddy roosevelt, and of course my old standby, Gandhi, and in each costume i picked up a different chick: a slutty nun, a slutty Cinderella, a slutty slut, and a slutty some- kind-of-creature with ears and a tail. D A R T I C L E 1 2 7 d To work the puzzle, put an “x” in the box when you’ve ruled it out based on the clues. For example, Clue 1 says i didn’t wake up in my ninja costume, so the ninja/2:21 am box is already crossed out. Hint: Some clues will allow you to put an “x” in more than one box. WhAT I REMEMbEREd 1. i didn’t wake up in my ninja costume, but i know i ended the night with some tail. 2. The slutty slut was gone by november 1, so she missed my scrumptious Gandhi . . . she too would go hungry. 3. Both Cinderella and the nun were intrigued by my sword. i was still seeing throwing stars as i changed into my Viking costume. 4. When i first entered the party, i spoke softly to hotties and showed them my “big stick.” Politically speaking of course—i was dressed as Teddy roosevelt. 5. i got Cinderella’s number early. i was afraid her melons would turn into pumpkins at midnight. slutty Cinderella 9:42 pm slutty Ears/Tail 12:03 am slutty slut 10:56 pm slutty nun 2:21 am viking 9:42 pm 9:42 pm ninja 12:03 am 12:03 am Roosevelt 10:56 pm 10:56 pm gandhi 2:21 am 2:21 am shALLoWEEn AnsWER slutty Cinderella 9:42 pm slutty Ears/Tail 12:03 am slutty slut 10:56 pm slutty nun 2:21 am viking 9:42 pm 9:42 pm ninja 12:03 am 12:03 am Roosevelt 10:56 pm 10:56 pm gandhi 2:21 am 2:21 am ✕ ✕ ✕ ✕ ✕ ✕ ✕ ✕ ✕ ✕ ✕ ✕ ✕ ✕ ✕ ✕ ✕ ✕ ✕ ✕ ✕ ✕ ✕ ✕ ✕ ✕ ✕ ✕ ✕ ✕ ✕ ✕ ✕ ✕ ✕ ✕ See answers on page 195. D A R T I C L E 1 3 7 d When hosting, a Bro orders enough pizza for all his Bros. ThE pIZZA EquATIon p = 3b 8 p = number of pizzas (rounded up to nearest integer) b = number of Bros (including yourself) equation assumes Bro hunger coefficient (h): h(b) = m t m = gravitational mass of the Bro t = time elapsed