英文幽默小故事

英文幽默小故事 Humorous jokes 一: She Didn"t Say Anything A mother and son were washing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the room. Suddenly, there was a crash of breaking dishes, then complete silence. The girl looked at her father and said, “It was Mom”。 “How do you know?” asked her father. “She didn’t say anything.” 二: I Have Turned It Over A woman said to her husband, “dear, look at our sheet! It’s too dirty. Would you like to wash it now?” The man looked at the sheet and then thought for a while and then said, “I don’t think it’s necessary. We can turn the sheet over. Is that all right?” Lawyer Jokes : 三 A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read, "Here lies John Kelly, a lawyer and an honest man." "How about that!" he exclaimed. "They've got three people buried in one grave." 四 Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. 五 BUYING A HAT A lady went to a hat shop to buy a hat. As she was very fussy, it took her a long time to pick on one. Already at the end of his patience the salesman was afraid that she might change her mind again so he tried to flatter her: "An excellent choice, madam. You look at least ten years younger with this hat on!" To his dismay, the lady took off her hat at once and said: "I don't want a hat that makes me look ten years older as soon as I take it off. Show me some more hats!" 六 1 I'M NOT HAVING IT ALL CUT OFF. Miles sometime went to the barber's during working hours to have his hair cut. But this was against the office rules: clerks had to have their hair cut in their own time. While Miles was at the barber's one day, the manager of the office came in by chance to have his own hair cut and sat just beside him. "Hello, Miles," the manager said. "I see that you are having your hair cut in office time." "Yes, sir, I am," admitted Miles calmly. "You see, sir, it grows in office time." "Not all of it," said the manager at once. "Some of it grows in your own time." "Yes, sir, that's quite true." Answered Miles politely, "but I'm not having it all cut off." 七: The Clock Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?" St Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Theresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie." "Whose clock is that?" "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life." "Where is Bill's clock?" Hillary asked. "Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He is using it as a ceiling fan." 八: Do You Know My Work, One night a hotel caught fire， and the people who were staying in it ran out in their night clothes( Two men stood outside and looked at the fire( “Before I came out，” said one，“I ran into some of the rooms and found a lot of money( People don't think of money when they're afraid( When anyone leaves paper money in a fire， the fire burns it( So I took all the bills that I could find(No one will be poorer because I took them(” “You don't know my work，” said the other( “What is your work,” “I'm a policeman( “Oh～” cried the first man( He thought quickly and said，“And do you know my work,”“No，”said the policeman( “I'm a writer( I'm always telling stories about things that never happened(” 九: 2 The City Mouse and the Country Mouse Once there were two mice. They were friends. One mouse lived in the country; the other mouse lived in the city. After many years the Country mouse saw the City mouse; he said, "Do come and see me at my house in the country." So the City mouse went. The City mouse said, "This food is not good, and your house is not good. Why do you live in a hole in the field? You should come and live in the city. You would live in a nice house made of stone. You would have nice food to eat. You must come and see me at my house in the city." The Country mouse went to the house of the City mouse. It was a very good house. Nice food was set ready for them to eat. But just as they began to eat they heard a great noise. The City mouse cried, " Run! Run! The cat is coming!" They ran away quickly and hid. After some time they came out. When they came out, the Country mouse said, "I do not like living in the city. I like living in my hole in the field. For it is nicer to be poor and happy, than to be rich and afraid." 十: A Good Boy Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?" "I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered. "You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?" "She is the one who sells the candy." 十一: Drunk One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk." "But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!" 3 .1 Piccola Once there lived in France a little girl name Piccola. When she was very young, her father died, and her mother was very, very poor. One Christmas Eve Piccola said to her mother, "Mamma, will Uncle Santa come to our house tonight?" Her mother felt very sad and shook her head. Before she went to bed, Piccola took off her little wooden shoes and put them on the floor near the chimney. She said to her mother, “Perhaps Uncle Santa will come.” All was white with snow outside, and it was very cold. In the night a little bird with a broken wing fell down the chimney and hopped into one of the shoes. Very early in the morning Piccola woke up. She jumped out of bed and ran to look into her shoes. There she saw the little bird in one of the shoes. She picked up the shoe and ran to show her Christmas present to her mother. She said, "Santa Claus did not forget me, Mamma." 2.Pandora's box Many years ago all the word was very beautiful and nobody was ever sick or unhappy. At that time there lived a beautiful little girl named Pandora. One day gave her a wonderful box tied with a golden cord and made her promise not to open it. Pandora and her little playmate, Epimetheus, often looked at the box and wondered what was in it. For a long time Pandora kept her promise to the fairy, but at last she wanted to peep into the box. She untied the cord and lifted the cover only a little. Out flew hundreds of bad little fairies. They stung Pandora and she fell on the floor and screamed. They stung Epimetheus, too. Then they flew out of doors and stung all the children in the land. By and by Pandora heard a little voice crying, “Let me out, and I will help you,” She opened the box, and out flew a beautiful little fairy. She told Pandora that her name was Hope. She kissed her and Epimetheus, and made them well. Then away she flew to help the other children. To this day, when people are sick or unhappy, the good little fairy, Hope, comes to comfort them. 3.The Crab and His Mother “My child,” said a Crab to her son, “why do you walk so awkward? If you wish to make a good appearance, you should go straight forward, and not to one side as you 4 do so constantly.” “I do wish to make a good appearance, Mamma” said the young Crab; “and if you will show me how, I will try to walk straight forward.” “Why, this is the way, of course,” said the mother, as she started off to the right, “No, this is the way,” said she, as she made another attempt, to the left. The little Crab smiled. “ When you learn to do it yourself, you can teach me,” he said, and he went back to his play. 4.The Wolf and The Crane One day a Wolf, who was eating his dinner much too fast, swallowed a bone, which stuck in his throat and pained him very much. He tried to get it out, but could not. Just then he saw a Crane passing by. “Dear fiend,” said he to the Crane, “ there is a bone sticking in my throat. You have a good long neck; can't you reach down and pull it out? I will pay you well for it.” “I'll try,” said the Crane. Then he put his head into the Wolf’s mouth, between his sharp teeth, and reaching down, pulled out bone. “There!” said the Wolf, “I am glad it is out; I must be more careful another time.” “I will go now, if you will pay me,” said the Crane. “Pay you, indeed!” cried the Wolf. “Be thankful that I did not bite your head off when it was in my mouth. You ought to be content with that.” 5. Handel, The Musician Long ago there lived in Germany a little boy named George Frederick Handel. He loved music and wanted to learn to play the piano, but his father wanted him to become a lawyer and would not let him take music lessons. There was a little, old-fashioned piano up in the attic. At night, when everybody was asleep, the little boy used to creep up the stairs and play softly to himself. When he was about seven years old, he went with his father to visit a wealthy Duke. The Duke lived in a beautiful palace with many large rooms. There was a wonderful organ in one of the rooms. While his father and the Duke sat talking, little Handel slipped away. He sat down at the organ and began to play. His little hands moved over the keys and the room was filled with a sweetest music. When he finished playing, he turned around and saw his father and the Duke looking at him. The Duke asked him where he had learned to play, and the boy told him about the piano in the attic. Then the Duke persuaded Handle's father to let him study music, and he became a famous composer. 5