英语沙龙幽默短文集锦

The man is looking for it A little boy came home with a five－dollar bill and said he found it．“Are you sure it was lost?” asked his mother．“ “Sure，I ' m sure,” said the little boy．“I saw the man looking for it．” 一个小男孩拿着一张５美元的钞票回到家里，他说是捡到的。他妈妈问：“你肯定这是别人丢的吗？” “当然是了，”小男孩说，“我看见那个人在找呢。” These are my jeans After going on a diet，a woman felt really good about herself－－especially when she was able to fit into a pair of jeans she had outgrown long ago．“Look，look．” she shouted while running downstairs to show her husband．“I can wear my old jeans again．”Her husband looked at her for a long time，when said，“Honey，I love you，but these are my jeans．” ?by Maggie 一个妇女在减肥一段时间后自我感觉特别好---特别是当她又能穿上很早以前就穿不上 的牛仔裤时。她跑下楼冲她丈夫喊道：“快看，快看。我又能穿上以前的裤子了。”她丈夫看了她好一会儿，然后说：“亲爱的，我爱你。但那是我的裤子。” Lift An American visiting England walked into a hotel lobby and pushed a button for elevator service．“The lift will be down presently，”said a nearby clerk． “The lift？”said the American．“Oh，you mean the elevator．” “No，I mean the lift，”replied the Englishman，annoyed by the American' s arrogance． “I think I should know what it's called，” said the American．“After all，elevators were invented in the United States．” “Perhaps，”retorted the Englishman．“But the language was invented here．” 一位在英国访问的美国人走进酒店大堂，揿下电梯按钮。身旁一位酒店工作人员说道， “Lift马上就下来。” “Lift？”美国人问。“哦，你说的是elevator吧。” 美国人的傲慢使英国人感到讨厌，他回答说，“不，我说的是lift。” “我想我知道它叫什么，”美国人说。“不管怎么说，电梯是在美国发明的。” “那可能，”英国人反驳说。“但这种语言是在这个国家发明的。” Humor Mother“Susie，every time you misbehave，I get another gray hair．” Susie“Gosh，mom，you must have been a terror．Just look at Grandma．” 母亲：“苏茜，每次你表现不好，我就多长一根白头发。” 苏茜：“天哪，妈，那你肯定一直都表现很糟。看看外婆吧。” Driving car Father：“Uh，oh，I think I just made an illegal right－hand turn．” Susie：“That' s okay，Dad，the policeman behind you just did the same thing．” 父亲：“哎呀，我刚才违规右转弯了。” 苏茜：“没事，爸，跟在你后面的警察也这么转了。” Not Necessary To Answer Teacher：“I have two questions，it isn't necessary to answer the second question if you know the result of the first question．How much hair do you have？” Student ：“A hundred and twenty millions．” Teacher：“How do you know it？” Student：“It is not necessary to answer the second question．” ：“我有两个题目，你若能答出第一题就不需答第二题。你有多少根头发？” ：“１．２亿根。” ：“你怎么知道？” ：“第二题不需回答。” Now I can go home One day after school the teacher said to his students，“Tomorrow morning，if any one of you can answer my first question．I'll permit him or her to go home earlier．” The next day，when the teacher came into the classroom，he found the blackboard daubed．He was very angry and asked，“Who did it？Please stand up! ” “It' s me，”said Bob，“Now，I can go home，Good－bye，Sir! ” 一天，放学以后，老师对他的学生们说：“明天上午，如果你们当中的任何一个同学能 回答我的第一个问题，我就准许他或她最先回家。”第二天，老师走进教室时发现黑板已被 乱涂，他非常生气地问：“谁涂的？ 请站起来。”鲍勃说：“先生，是我，现在我可以回家了， 再见。” Don’t tell her Two twins went to the kindergarten．“Who's the elder and who's the younger one？” asked a nurse． One of them winked and said，“Elder brother，don't tell her．” 两个双胞胎走进幼儿园。“你们两个谁大谁小？”保育员问。 其中的一个眨了眨眼睛说，“哥哥，不要告诉她。” The Things Kids Say 1)One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her 2)small boy into bed．She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice，“Mommy，will you sleep with me tonight ？”The mother smiled and gave him a 3)reassuring hug． “I can' t，dear．” She said．“I have to sleep in Daddy's room．”Along 4)silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice：“The big sissy．” 一个夏季的晚上，雷雨大作，母亲让小男孩上床钻进被窝。她正准备熄灯，孩子声音颤 抖地问：“妈咪，你今晚可以陪我睡吗？”母亲笑着，拥抱一下小孩安慰说，“亲爱的，不可以。我得睡在爸爸的房间。”一阵长长的沉默之后，男孩小声地用颤音说：“大胆小鬼。” NOTE 1. thunderstorm [,,,,,,,,,,,] n. [气]雷暴 2. tremor [,,，,,,] n. 震动, 颤动 3. reassuring [,，,,,,,,,，,,] adj. 安心的, 可靠的 4. sissy [,,,,,] n. 胆小鬼 H o n e s t y A man who is driving a car stopped by a police officer．The following exchange takes place．．． Man：What's the problem，officer？ Officer：You were going at least ７５in a ５５zone． Man：No，sir，I was going ６５． Wife：Oh，Harry．You were going ８０．（Man gives his wife a dirty look．） Officer：I' m also going to give you a ticket for your broken taillight． Man：Broken taillight？I didn't know about a broken taillight。 WifeOh Harry，you've known about that tail for weeks．（Man gives his wife another dirty look．） OfficerI' m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt． Man：Oh，I just took it off when you were walking up to the car． WifeOh，Harry，you never wear your seat belt． ManShut your dang mouth。 Officer：（Turns to the woman）：Ma ' am，does your husband talk to you this way all the time？ Wife：No，only when he's drunk． 警官让一位驾车的男士停下车。随后出现如下的对话： ：警官，有什么问题？ ：你在限速５５英里的地段开到至少７５英里。 ：不，长官，是６５英里。 ：啊，哈里，你刚才开到８０英里。（男士瞪了妻子一眼。） 我还要给你张罚单，你的尾灯碎了。 ：尾灯碎了？你不说，我还真不知道尾灯碎了。 ：哦，哈里，几个星期以前你就知道了。（男士又恶狠狠地瞪了她一眼。） 我还要给你张传票，你没系安全带。 噢，你朝我车走过来的时候我才解开的。 啊，哈里，你从来都不系安全带。 闭上你的臭嘴。 （转向女士）夫人，你丈夫总是这样跟你说话吗？ ：不，只有当他醉了的时候。 You don’t have to pay for lightning TeacherWho can tell me the difference between lightning and electricity？ StudentYou don’ t have to pay for lightning. ：谁能告诉我闪电与电的区别？ ：闪电不用付钱。 He must have a computer A mother was teaching her ５-year-old son about God. “Do you know, ”she said to him one day, “that God knows where everybody is all the time, and exactly what they are doing. ”The little boy looked at his mother wide-eyed and said, “Wow. He must have a computer.” 一位母亲给她５岁的儿子讲上帝。“你知道吗, ”有一天她对他说, “无论一个人在哪里, 在干什么事情, 上帝都知道。”小男孩睁大了眼睛看着他妈妈说, “哇。那他一定有一台电脑。” Nice Try My wife and I were stopped by a state policeman. He started to write up a speeding ticket. My wife, who’s a hair stylist, said, “If you let us off with a warning, I’ll give you a free haircut for a year. ” The policeman removed his hat--and he was completely bald. ?by Peter Orphanos 我和妻子被警察拦住了，他给我们开一个超速的罚款单。我的妻子是一个发型设计师， 于是她就对警察说，“如果你让我们免于警告，我就为你免费理发一年。” 警察脱下他的帽子——他是一个光头。 Who is Disgusting First：“My neighbor is very disgusting，who moved here recently，he rang the bell of my house with a rush late at night．” Second：“It is disgusting in faith，do you call the police？” First：“No．I just take him as a madman，and continue to play my piano．” 甲：“我家新搬来的邻居好可恶，竟然深更半夜跑来猛按我家的门铃。” 乙：“的确可恶。你有没有报警？” 甲：“没有。我当他是疯子，继续弹我的琴。” Where the Declaration of Independence was signed? Teacher“Who knows where the Declaration of In dependence was signed？” Student：“I know，I know．At the bottom of the page．” 老师：“谁知道《独立宣言》在哪儿签字的？” 学生：“我知道，我知道。是在那页纸的底部。” Fresh Richer A fresh richer is purchasing coffin in the store for the death．A person asks him： 1)2)“Which one is better？”He says：“Of course the zinc－filled is more durable，but the wooden is helpful to the health．” 一个新贵在墓葬品商店选购他死时要用的棺材，有人问他：“最好买哪一种？”他说：“镀锌的棺材当然比较耐用，但木制棺材有益于健康。” NOTE 1. zinc [,,,,] n. 锌 vt. 涂锌于. 2. durable [,,,,,，,,,] adj. 持久的, 耐用的 The reds or the greens Two apples up in a tree were looking down on the world．The first apple said，“Look at all those people fighting，robbing，rioting －－no one seems willing to get along with his fellow man．Some day we apples will be the only ones left．Then we'll rule the world．”Replied the second apple，“Which of us －－the reds or the greens？” 树上的两只苹果俯瞰着世界。第一只苹果说：“瞧瞧这些人吧，争斗、抢劫、骚乱—— 似乎就没有人愿意与别的人好好相处。总有一天，我们苹果就会成为世上惟一的幸存者。到 那时我们就将统治世界。”第二只苹果回答说：“我们中的哪些呢——红的还是绿的？”