Avoid employing unlucky people

Avoid employing unlucky people What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.Mark Twain A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.Groucho Marx In mathematics you don't understand things. You just get used to them.John Von Neumann You don't have to be mad to work here, but you do have to be on time, well presented, a team player, customer service focused and sober!David Brent I never met a kid I liked.W.C. Fields StartRight arrow to begin, hold to go to the end Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.Benjamin Franklin If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.David Brent How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?Woody Allen An acquaintance is someone we know well enough to borrow from but not enough to lend to.Ambrose Bierce What do I think of Western civilization? I think it would be a very good idea.Mahatma Gandhi It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.Woody Allen Any time there's a scandal, we always try and get involved.Larry Flynt Thank God I'm an atheist.Luis Bunuel Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.George Burns Children nowadays are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannise their teachers.Socrates The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money. Mark Twain I like children - fried.W. C. Fields The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular? David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urging for investment in the radio in the 1920s. Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you. What's another word for thesaurus?Steven Wright The most hazardous part of our expedition to Africa was crossing Piccadilly Circus.Joseph Thomson. Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots.David Brent I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. Isaac Asimov. What is an elegant woman? An elegant woman is a woman who despises you and who has no hair under her arms.Salvador Dali Airplanes may kill you, but they aint likely to hurt you.Satchel Paige After The Wizard Of Oz I was typecast as a lion, and there aren't all that many parts for lions.Bert Lahr. Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts. Dan Quayle Revolution is a trivial shift in the emphasis of suffering. Tom Stoppard. USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.David Letterman. When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before. Mae West The more I see of men, the more I like dogs.Jeanne-Marie Roland If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough. Mario Andretti. Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.W. C. Fields I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.Spike Milligan I worship the ground that awaits you. No great genius has ever existed without some touch of madness.Aristotle All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.Mark Twain Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.Robert Orben I tried sex once with a woman and that woman was Gala. It was overrated. I tried sex once with a man and that man was the famous juggler Federico Garcia Lorca [the Spanish Surrealist poet]. It was very painful.Salvador Dali That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it. A Congressional Candidate in Texas. When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years. Mark Twain. This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.George Burns. Chanel No. 5.Marilyn MonroeAsked what she wore in bed. On cable TV they have a weather channel - 24 hours of weather. We had something like that where I grew up. We called it a window.Dan Spencer My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we had to stop or our marriage would have been wrecked.Winston Churchill I'm not a fighter, I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.Woody Allen Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.P. J. O'Rourke Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement. Mark Twain Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe, and not make messes in the house.Robert Heinlein In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.Oscar Wilde It is perfectly monstrous the way people go about nowadays saying things against one, behind one's back, that are absolutely and entirely true.Oscar Wilde My reputation grows with every failure.George Bernard Shaw. The best birthdays of all are those that haven't arrived yet. Robert Orben. There are only 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don't.unknown Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.Woody Allen Basically my wife was immature. I'd be in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.Woody Allen Sit down Rodney. Keep your brains warm.Derek ‘Del boy’ Trotter Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own. Aristotle. Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.Robert Orben I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.Walt Disney Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.Michael Sinz Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. Pablo Picasso. I'm really a timid person - I was beaten up by Quakers.Woody Allen There are only 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don't.unknown I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.Rodney Dangerfield We are the people our parents warned us about. If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.Edsger Dijkstra Which painting in the National Gallery would I save if there was a fire? The one nearest the door of course.George Bernard Shaw. Submitted by Keith Ellington One day your life will pass before your eyes, make sure it is worth watching... The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.Natalie Wood I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.Woody Allen When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he'd learned in seven years.Mark Twain That [sex] was the most fun I ever had without laughing.Woody Allen I failed to make the chess team because of my height. Woody Allen. Well, all I know is what I read in the papers.Will Rogers I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.Bob Hope. A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.Zsa Zsa Gabor What other culture could have produced someone like Hemmingway and not seen the joke?Gore Vidal. My father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.Spike Milligan God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.Naguib Mahfouz An incinerator is a writer's best friend.Thornton Wilder. At the age of six years I wanted to be a chef. At the age of seven I wanted to be Napoleon. My ambitions have continued to grow at the same rate ever since.Salvador Dali Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.George Burns Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.W. C. Fields 驾校一点通365网 上海驾校一点通 Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?Groucho Marx I'm an Action TransvestiteEddie Izzard A lot of these people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.George Carlin I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.Steven Wright I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."Steven Wright George Washington's brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.George Carlin The English contribution to world cuisine - the chip.John Cleese I feel sorry for confetti. Its useful life lasts about two seconds. And it can never be used again.George Carlin Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.Woody Allen A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'Tommy Cooper I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.Woody Allen I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.Woody Allen I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...Steven Wright I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.Emo Philips Money couldn't buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy.Spike Milligan