The Ability To Reid - SimplyScripts - Movie Scripts and …瑞德- simplyscripts -电影剧本的能力…

The Ability To Reid - SimplyScripts - Movie Scripts and …瑞德- simplyscripts -电影剧本的能力… The Ability To Reid ? PILOT _______________ Script By Iain McGavin ? __________________ FADE IN: BRITISH POLITICIAN'S NEW YEARS PARTY - EVENING The scene is a large gathering or celebration. It is new year and everyone is cheering, dancing and mainly communicating in large groups or pairs. Some are drunk, others are laughing loudly. The camera slowly pans across the room and slowly zooms in towards the bar where MASON, REID and STANFORD are located. They are all members of the British government. Mason is very pompous while Stanford is short. Reid is the average looking, level headed, witty leader of the trio. They all raise their glass of champagne. MASON Well I must say gentlemen. Happy New Year. ALL Happy New Year. They all take a gulp of their champagne. Meanwhile, Mason has downed his in a one. Stanford and Reid look to each other. Mason bangs his fist on the counter and beckons to the Barman. MASON I say old man. Get me another glass of France's finest and don't be all day about it. BARMAN Yes, Mr. Mason. (vanishes off the side of the camera, to get Mason another glass of champagne) STANFORD (trying to continue a conversation) You'll never believe what old Meggartey said. He only reckons that our beloved Prime Minister has only gone and reshuffled the cabinet. REID (shocked) Reshuffled the cabinet? Oh, do leave off Stanford. Everyone knows that our Prime Minister can't shuffle a deck of cards let alone the cabinet. STANFORD (jokingly) Except in Mason's case when it's normally a wine cabinet. Both Reid and Stanford laugh. Mason mutters under his breath. MASON You may laugh you two. But I've served this country for over thirty years, man and boy. I deserve the odd drink now and then. REID (smiles) Now and then? Jesus, Mason. Last month, Earl and Clark read out the National Alcohol Act and even they said that 60% of the national debt is down to you. MASON (firing back) Earl and Clark. Oh yes, the two men who wanted to legalize urinating in public swimming pools. STANFORD (laughs) I must confess, even if Mason said it Reid. That was a pretty stupid act. But the usage of the words, 'Call of nature' was hysterical. REID It took two weeks for the Speaker of the House to wipe that grin off his face after that. Mason is getting impatient. MASON Barman! Barman! Where is my glass? Barman. I haven't all night. STANFORD (checks his watch) Haven't all night, where you running off to then in such a hurry? MASON (smugly) The wife and I are going to Briton for a little holiday. REID (winks at Stanford then turns to Mason) Trying to re-lit the candle of passion then, Mr. Mason. MASON Just because I have a decent relationship that is working out for me. STANFORD (looks to Reid) This comes from the man who has been married more times than Elizabeth Taylor and The Sheik of Araby put together. MASON (overhears) I've only had...a few...wives. REID A few? Last year, I bumped into the Judge. He was in Millets buying you tent to camp outside the courthouse. STANFORD (laughs) They were thinking about installing a parking meter on your briefcase. Reid and Stanford both burst into laughter again. Mason is getting irritated, he yells for his drink again. MASON Barman! Barman! The Barman re-appears with a glass of champagne. BARMAN There you are Mr. Mason. MASON You took your time, didn't you. BARMAN Sorry about that sir but I had to take a bottle up to the PM. STANFORD (to Reid) He gets all the luxury you know. Mason takes a gulp of wine. He spits it back out. Reid, The Barman and Stanford leap back. Mason groans as if he has tasted something vile. MASON (disgusted) What is that? BARMAN It's Finnish Vintage 1672. REID The Vikings have done it again. MASON Finnish? 1672? Where is my usual French Vintage of 1839? BARMAN (hesitates) I'm afraid we have sort of...run dry...of 1839... MASON (looks around) Bloody people, have no respect for what I drink. That was my favourite brand. Who else has been drinking it? (looks off camera) That redhead Angelica? Or that dullard Stuart? BARMAN (hesitates again) Actually...no sir...you see...your the only person...who drinks French Vintage 1839. Both Reid and Stanford look at each other and smile. MASON (checks himself) Damn it. Why do they make that stuff so tasty? STANFORD It's their job. REID Don't worry, Mason. Why don't you go ask the French Ambassador for some? MASON (looks down in submission) I can't. REID (wondering) Why? STANFORD (whispers) He had a falling out with him. MASON (hears what Stanford said) It wasn't my fault. REID (remembering) Wasn't your fault? Last I heard, you went to his grand wine tasting party in Paris. It all went well until you reached the villa. Meggartey said you passed water in the cellar - and then passed out on the coach home. Mason goes to open his mouth to reply but suddenly a bell rings. All the guests look towards the grand staircase of the hotel and bar. There is a stand with a microphone. MEGGARTEY is stood there with a small china bell against the microphone. He stops ringing after a brief few moments. MEGGARTEY Thank you everyone. (clears his throat) It is my honour and privilege to welcome you all to the Annual British Politicians Ball here in our grand capital of Great Britain - namely London. It has been a fantastic year with some very great and dare I say not so great moments. But we have got through them. (clears his throat, grins) Also there has been a rumour circulating the cabinet about a giant reshuffle amongst many key posts and honours. This is - true. The Prime Minister spent over two nights in his office considering this reshuffle and has final come to some final decisions. Few more major than others. REID (whispers to Stanford) Bet your britches that he got the post of Deputy PM. MEGGARTEY (continuing) I myself was proud to receive the post of Deputy Prime Minister. I hope to serve as well and as prosperous as my predecessor, Lord Harnsley. (concluding) But for now, I would like to wish you a pleasant evening. Enjoy the free drinks and we'll start calling some of our cabinet one by one later on for some brief interviews on the changes. Thank you and good evening. The room applauds. Meggartey walks down the stairs and out the bar followed by his secretary and a bodyguard. The camera cuts back to Stanford and Reid. STANFORD (to Reid) They never did find out what ol' Harnsley died of did they? REID (sighs) No - (pause) In the NHS they must see lots of cases of falling-off of-Waterloo-Bridge Syndrome. STANFORD (nods) Absolutely. Cut to black. Title credits and music 'Tchaikovsky's Sleeping Beauty' plays. BRITISH POLITICIAN'S NEW YEARS PARTY - NIGHT A good couple of long hours have passed. The room is much less crowded then it was earlier in the afternoon. The Barman is now washing glasses and maybe even collecting them off tables. We pan across to the end of the bar. We see Reid and Stanford. Both appear to be very tried, Reid has his tie undone and Stanford is no longer wearing his jacket (probably due to the heat). Mason is nowhere in sight. REID (checks his watch) Well, Jim. It's gone past... (checks closer, due to his tiredness) Bloody hell, it's four in the morning. STANFORD (slurs) Aye, better be getting to bed. REID Bed? Stanford. (slowly) We have work in two hours. Two hours. STANFORD (swings his arms about) Bugger 'em. Bugger 'em all. We serve this country night and day unlike some of those layouts. For we are a nation that should be filled with great people and not democr- dem- dem people. REID (smiles gently) I think you need to a lay down (to Barman) Eric! The Barman appears. Reid is trying to hold Stanford up, who is obviously very, very drunk. He slides down, Reid regularly between the conversation pulls Stanford up straight. BARMAN (helpfully) Yes, Mr. Reid. REID If possible, would you be able to - stand up man - call the car round to take Mr. Stanford home. I'm afraid he's been at the old - (motions drinking a bottle with his free hand) BARMAN Certainly, Mr. Reid. REID Thank you. The Barman heads across to the bar, picks up the phone and begins to dial for a taxi. We are still focused on Reid and the ever sliding Stanford. STANFORD (angrily, trying to break free) I don't need a taxi. REID (agrees) No, you never a VERY BIG glass of water. Perhaps two. (to Barman) Excuse me, can we have a glass of water please for Mr. Stanford? BARMAN Yes sir REID (thinks again) Make it a tall glass. STANFORD (fires back) Was that a joke about my height? REID (replies) No that was a comment about your drunkenness. The Barman appears at Reid's side with a glass of water. REID (takes glass off Barman) Thank you (to Stanford in baby talk) Now would Mr. Stanford like a big healthy glass of natural spring water from a tap? STANFORD (baby talk back, sarcastically) Mr. Man with big healthy glass of natural spring water from a tap can go stick that big healthy glass of water up his – In an instant, Reid throws the glass over Stanford's face. Stanford stands absolutely still for a moment, dripping wet. REID (politely) Feeling better? STANFORD Absolutely REID Good. (hands empty glass to the Barman) Is that taxi outside? BARMAN Yes, sir. REID Thank you. (motions to Stanford) Come on, drunk boy. Reid exits with a soaking wet Stanford not far behind him. RECEPTION, GOVERNORS OF BRITAIN HEADQUARTERS - MORNING It is the next morning. Reid has just arrived to work through the double doors of the reception, wearing his business suit, a long trench coat, a hat and carrying a briefcase. Reid advances over to the reception desk were he is greeted by a middle aged female assistant. He puts down his briefcase and removes his hat. REID Good Morning, Maureen. ASSISTANT Good Morning, Mr. Reid. How was the New Year's Party last night? REID (sighs) Oh, don't go there. I spent half the night arguing about the new cabinet changes, the mysterious death of our beloved former deputy prime minister, finnish wine and oh, trying to get a taxi to take a very unsober Stanford home. ASSISTANT (smiles) Sounds like any other Friday night. REID I know, they must do something about those. ASSISTANT Oh, speaking about cabinet changes. There is a large conference tonight in the Governor's Boardroom. REID (amazed) The Governor's Boardroom. ASSISTANT (amazed also) Yes. REID You mean ol' Meggartey actually bothered to get the red carpet out for the first time in ages. ASSISTANT Yes. REID (jokingly) This must be an important occasion. (goes to walk, but then remembers) Oh and where is Liz? ASSISTANT (confused) Liz? REID Yes, Liz ASSISTANT (long pause) Who's Liz? REID You know Liz ASSISTANT Do I? REID Yes, you know Liz ASSISTANT I know many Liz's. REID I know but you should know this Liz. ASSISTANT Do I know this Liz? REID Yes, my Liz. ASSISTANT Your Liz? REID Yes, my Liz. ASSISTANT You have a Liz? REID Yes. ASSISTANT (still confused) Since when? REID Since when? For six years, she's my Liz. ASSISTANT Your Liz? REID (points at Assistant) Look. Stop right there. Long pause. Reid breathes slowly in and slowly out, the assistant does the same. REID (slowly) Right - now. Do you know where MY Liz is. ASSISTANT Do I - REID (cuts in) Eh, eh, eh. Ssssh! Quiet. (slowly, as not to confuse even further) The Liz that works for me. The secretary Liz. ASSISTANT (sigh of relief and understanding) OH! That Liz. REID (shouts) Yes! ASSISTANT (seriously) Don't know her. REID (walks away from reception in submission, mutters) Jesus Christ. We cut to the elevator. Reid presses the elevator call button, he waits for a few moments. The door opens, it is empty. He steps in. Suddenly, another secretary quickly runs into the doors behind Reid carrying a couple of large files. ELEVATOR, GOVERNORS OF BRITAIN HEADQUARTERS Reid and the Secretary are now in the elevator. There is a brief few moments of silence then Reid leans over. REID It will be very difficult for either of us to get anywhere in this elevator. SECRETARY (thinking of an innuendo reference) Pardon? REID (moves closer and then whispers in his ear) You need to just...simply...press the elevator button. Long pause. The Secretary gives a big sigh of relief. She laughs. SECRETARY Oh yes. Sorry I forgot. (laughs out loud, looks at the buttons) Um...what floor do you need? REID Number Six, please. SECRETARY (smiles, excitedly) Oh my god, that's my floor as well. REID (smiles) Really? (looks to the side, mutters) Small world ain't it. The Secretary pushes the button for the sixth floor. The doors close and the elevator slowly starts to move. There is a long time of silence. SECRETARY (trying to make conversation) Big office isn't it? REID (replies) Absolutely, have to keep all us politicians in one building apart from Westminster and the House of Commons, you know. SECRETARY (begins to laugh out loud) That is so true. Reid is trying to be very polite. We can see he is slightly uncomfortable with this very jolly woman stood beside him. SECRETARY My boyfriend's a politician... REID Oh really? SECRETARY When I say boyfriend. I mean my former boyfriend. REID Hmm... SECRETARY My ex. REID Wow. Long pause. SECRETARY Not sex. REID No. SECRETARY Well I can't complain, the sex was ok REID Good. SECRETARY I mean it wasn't terrible... REID I know. SECRETARY But it was...you know...good. Well...ok. (smiles) REID Fantastic. SECRETARY I mean on several occasions it was great but then work came along and he just you know - got down... REID (starting to get worried or even disturbed) Yeah. SECRETARY I don't mean his penis. REID Okay. SECRETARY I mean he was quite a big man... REID (tries to change the topic quickly) Really, tall was he? SECRETARY (laughs out loud) Yeah, he was tall. REID (trying to think of something else) These elevators are slow today aren't they? SECRETARY Oh I wouldn't know. This is my first time here. REID Really? SECRETARY Yeah. (pause) Not in an elevator though. REID No. SECRETARY I mean you know those big buildings in New York and that. I haven't been in those elevators. REID No. SECRETARY I've had sex in an elevator though. REID (sarcastically but polite) Really? How insightful? I'll remember that next time I press the call button. SECRETARY (laughs out loud again) Oh my god, you are so funny. I wish you were my new boss. REID Really? (sarcastically) And I wish you were my new secretary. Finally the elevator door opens. Reid gives a giant sigh of relief and freedom. As he exits, the secretary walks in front of time and shakes his hand. SECRETARY (excitedly) By the way, I'm Shelly McClaren. I hope to see you soon. REID (charmingly) I'm counting the minutes. SECRETARY Yeah, I'm overtaking for some old secretary, who just recently left. REID Oh really? SECRETARY Yeah, Oh well. What's your name? REID Tony Reid, Deputy Minister of Business Affairs. SECRETARY (laughs out loud) Oh my god! REID (smiles) What? SECRETARY (laughs again) This is like SO unbelievable. Your wish has come true! REID What wish? SECRETARY I'm Liz Dante's replacement, I'm your new secretary! The Secretary wraps her arms around Reid as a big embrace. We see Reid's face. He is shocked and horrified. COMMERCIAL BREAK. OFFICE OF BUSINESS AFFAIRS, GOVERNORS OF BRITAIN HEADQUARTERS Reid has just walked into his office. He takes off his coat and puts down his briefcase. Reid places his hat and coat on hooks by the door and sits down quietly at his desk. He begins to look through some documents. A few seconds later there is a knock at the office door. Reid looks up. REID (to himself) God, please don't be the crazy secretary from the elevator. (louder) Come in. The door opens. It is Reid's new secretary, Shelly McClaren, who he encountered minutes ago in the elevator. She has a clipboard and a pad of obvious notes. SHELLY (loud) Hi Mr. Reid REID (nearly jumps out his skin, polite) Hello, Miss McClaren. SHELLY Oh, please call me Shelly... (pauses) Tony. REID And you may call me Mr. Reid SHELLY Oh... (smiles) Okay, Mr. Reid. Long pause. REID (waiting for something to happen) And? SHELLY And what, Mr. Reid? REID You came in my office? SHELLY (smiles) Yes, I did and it's a lovely office as well might I say. Did you decorate it yourself? REID (ironically) No I'm afraid working twenty hours a day hardly gives me a time to cram physical labour into my time slot. SHELLY (confused) Oh... (smiles) Okay then. REID Shelly? SHELLY Yes, Mr. Reid. REID (slowly) What do you want? Long pause. SHELLY (looks down at the clipboard, just remembering) Oh yes, sorry. Silly me. You have some messages. REID Okay, read them to me please. SHELLY But aren't these private? REID You really to expect me to believe that you are a qualified secretary and you have never looked at an employer's errands or documents? SHELLY Hmm...okay, I'll read them. REID That's the idea. Produces the first message. SHELLY (dictating from card) Tony, you were a darling the other night. I never had some much fun in my life. You are so caring, so dominant and so cheeky. You make me laugh and treat me with utmost love and respect. If I could, I would marry you. Reid blushes. REID (smiles) Ah, who was that from- Elaine in Accounting? SHELLY (checks the end of the card) No...that was from your mother. Long pause. REID (smiles gently, as if in pain) Better throw that one in the bin. SHELLY (smiles) Okay...um...next one. Oh, these are all from the same person. REID Interesting...go on SHELLY Mr. Reid, your aunt has fallen over her pet chipmunk. (next one) Your aunt has been admitted to hospital (next one) Your aunt's doctor has asked for two hundred thousand pounds for a laser surgery. REID What for? SHELLY (reads, then looks up) To remove the chipmunk… Long pause. REID O....kay. (stands up) I think I'd better go and get a cup...of coffee. SHELLY Oh, I'll get you one. REID (smiles, gritting his teeth) No thanks, I'll be fine. Reid walks over to the door by Shelly, opens it, enters and slams it behind him. Shelly immediately knocks on the door. SHELLY (confused) Um...Mr. Reid? REID (slowly) Yes. SHELLY Your in the closet Reid slowly re-opens the door, exits, closes it behind him then exits via the OFFICE door. REID (to Shelly, calmly) I knew that. COFFEE BREAK ROOM, OFFICE OF BUSINESS AFFAIRS Reid enters the coffee room, walks over to the vending machine and pushes in a few buttons and waits for his drink. Stanford is sat on a sofa reading a broad-sheet newspaper. It is completely covering his face. REID (calmly) Morning, Stanford. STANFORD (behind the newspaper) Morning, Reid. REID (stretches) Ah, you will NOT believe the morning I have had. STANFORD (mumbles) Oh, really. REID That new secretary. Cor blimey. I had to just get out of that office, Stanford. I would have just gone - Stanford lowers the newspaper. His head is completely wrapped in a bandage and he has a black eye. REID (continuing, just realizing Stanford) Jesus Christ... STANFORD Don't start. REID What happened? STANFORD (slowly) I fell over. REID You fell... (checking Stanford) And it did all that. Jesus, Stanford. It looks like you've had 14 rounds with Mike Tyson... (pauses) And won... (pauses again) ...barely. STANFORD (slowly) Okay, it was after you left. REID After I...Stanford you were in a taxi. How the heck could you do that? I told Eric to pay the driver to take you straight home. STANFORD (thinks) Well I did...I stopped at...Baker Street. REID (thinks, then realizes) Baker Street. Stanford that's FIVE miles from where YOU live! STANFORD I know...but I went to see...you know. Reid sits down by Stanford. He sighs. REID You went to see...Jillian didn't you? STANFORD I can't help it...she's my mistress, that's what she's for. REID (signals out Stanford's injuries) And what did she say about...all this? STANFORD (laughs angrily) What did Jillian say about this? What did Jillian say about this he's says! JILLIAN DID DO THIS! REID (gob-smacked) What? STANFORD Yeah....innocent young Jillian. REID (sighs) Well I wouldn't say innocent or young, she's in her late forties and she's been round the block more times that a centimetre square. (realizing) And she did this? What did she do? Batter you to a pulp with a tire-iron? STANFORD Well no...her mother did. REID Her mother? Vivian 'The Vixen'. She's dead ain't she? STANFORD Na, she's very much alive. REID But she must be old, old...she had the measles when David Lloyd George was in Downing Street. STANFORD Don't be fooled, for an old bat, she has some 'oomph' left in her. REID And she beat you when you went to see Jillian? STANFORD (pauses) Well no...she caught me and Jillian... REID (suspicious) Where? STANFORD On the Victorian coffee table. REID Jeez...no wonder, she went spastic on you. Did you scratch it? STANFORD Scratch it? Scratch it! When she attacked me she broke fourteen china dolls, a sailing boat, a rocking chair and a pair of clogs from Spain. REID (tries to lighten up the mood) Well at least she didn't... (realizes) Clogs from Spain? STANFORD Half price. REID Oh right. (checks watch) Anyway, I better get back to Dotty McDot...before she comments on the future colour of the carpeting. STANFORD (confused) Carpeting? REID Don't ask. OFFICE OF BUSINESS AFFAIRS, GOVERNORS OF BRITAIN HEADQUARTERS Shelly is currently laying on a furry rug in front of Reid's desk. Reid enters the office with his cup of coffee and discovers his secretary of the floor. He sighs. REID Shelly...what are you doing? SHELLY (smiles) Oh, hi Mr. Reid. REID Shelly...why are you laying on my rug? SHELLY Oh...your rug. (smile) Did you buy it? REID No, I threw money at a salesman in Morocco and he decided to throw a rug in the boot of my car. (demands) Now get up. SHELLY (smile) What do you call it? Reid sits down at his desk. He looks down at Shelly; who for some reason is still on the rug. REID (expressive) At work Shelly, we DO NOT give names to furniture or rugs. Only pets and possibly family members. SHELLY (smiles excitedly) I have pets. REID (smiles) Do you? (mutters) Poor buggers. SHELLY (nods, like a child) Yes, I have a...little poodly-woodly called Bones. REID Bit premature ain't that? SHELLY Ah, she is so cute. I just want to hold her and caress her and touch her... REID (worried) Just for argument sake. We talking about a poodle and not your ex-boyfriend? SHELLY (fantasizing) Oh, I could hold him for forever. I just want to hold him, touch him, kiss him, fu- REID (cuts in quickly) Forget him...and while your at it, get off my rug! SHELLY (gets to her feet) What you call it then? REID Shag. SHELLY (embarrassed, grinning like a schoolgirl) Oh, Mr. Reid. I possibly couldn't do that. I'm not that kinda girl. REID (corrects her) Shag Carpet! SHELLY (confused) Is that physically possible? REID (close to last straw but polite) Shelly...Please go...just leave my office. Please. Actually go to the eleventh floor and tell Meggartey that I'll see him at the Conference tonight. SHELLY (smiles) Okay, Mr. Reid. (heads for door) Shall I take the elevator? REID (yells) NO!!! Shelly turns around, stunned. Reid realizes checks himself and calms down. REID (smiles) Take the stairs, dear Shelly. (gently) The walk will do you good. SHELLY (smiles, laughs out loud) Ok, Mr. Reid. Will do. Shelly exits the office. Reid holds his head in his hands and rubs his eyes. REID (to himself) It's one of those days... (checks watch) And...it's only Tuesday. OUTSIDE CONFERENCE ROOM, GOVERNORS OF BRITAIN HEADQUARTERS Reid, Stanford and a few other select politicians (both male and female) are all chatting and discussing outside the conference room doors waiting to be called in for the meeting with the Prime Minister. REID (looks around at all the other politicians) He called on quite a few familiar faces. STANFORD Aye, just hope and pray that we ain't for a reshuffle or even the chop. REID No... (looks at Stanford's bandages) Anyway, your mistress's mother caused enough destruction anyway (laughs) STANFORD (sarcastically) Ha, ha. Very funny, Mr. Clever Clogs. REID Spanish? STANFORD Shut up! Mason arrives. MASON Afternoon, gentlemen. (to Reid) Hello, Anthony. (to Stanford) What in blue blazes happened to you Stanford? STANFORD I... REID (cuts in) He got beaten up by the Vixen woman. MASON (laughs, clears his throat) Vivian The Vixen eh. That'll explain it. (lowers his voice) Let me guess, scratch on the Victorian coffee table. STANFORD (annoyed) For the last time, I did not scratch her goddamn VICTORIAN COFFEE TABLE! MASON (to Reid, changes topic) Anyway Tony, I heard that your secretary Liz was fired. REID She quit, Mason. MASON Quit, fired. Comes under the same category in your book. STANFORD He doesn't have a book for his secretaries, past and present. Bloody Tome, he has. Stanford and Reid laugh. Mason frowns. MASON (changing topic, yet again) I hear you have a new secretary now. A very charming young woman. STANFORD Nice legs. MASON Nice r's. Both Stanford and Reid look at Mason in confusion. MASON She pronounces her r's very...seductively. REID (slowly) You sick perverted old man. STANFORD You got to respect him though. REID She's spend most her time on the shag anyway. MASON (grins) Oh really. STANFORD (interrupts) I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but in this case by a majority guess, I think he means the carpet, Mason. REID She thought I meant sex though. STANFORD (inquiring) What did you say? REID (honest reply) Get off the carpet STANFORD (surprised) Get off the - huh? MASON (tiredly and disappointedly) ...And you call me a schmuck. Meggartey opens the double doors of the Conference room. MEGGARTEY Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you patiently for waiting. Please come in and sit down with your Prime Minister. The cabinet begin moving into the conference room. Stanford is the last to enter. STANFORD (under his breath) Our Prime Minister. I didn't bloody elect him. COMMERCIAL BREAK. CONFERENCE ROOM, GOVERNORS OF BRITAIN HEADQUARTERS All the politicians are sat at a large banquet table. Obviously, Prime Minister Williams is at the top of the table, meanwhile Meggartey is at the bottom, directly opposite Williams. Reid, Mason and Stanford are all sat next to each other on one side of the table (left or right). WILLIAMS Thank you Ladies and Gentlemen for arriving so precisely. As you know I have called you here for a very important announcement/ announcements. MASON (cutting in) Aye, we know. Some members of our cabinet, who shall... (motions with fingers sarcastically) ...'remain nameless'... (returns to normal posture) are either due for a promotion or even the chop. Mutter amongst the politicians. MASON (leans over to Reid, whispers) That should get a hornet nest started. REID (replies) Hornet nest? Thank god this isn't the UN conference then it would be a KILLER hornet nest. STANFORD (randomly intervenes) I was bit by a killer hornet once. Long pause. Everybody is listening now. REID Really? STANFORD Yeah. POLITICIAN 1# Really? STANFORD Yes. POLITICIAN 2# Really? STANFORD YES! MASON Your sure it wasn't a bee? STANFORD (shouts) No! (calms down) It was a killer hornet. POLITICIAN 3# (pause) Can you get killer hornets? REID No, but you can get killer bees. POLITICIAN 1# My cousin was bit by a killer bee. STANFORD (sarcastically) Amazing (angrily) But I was bit by a KILLER HORNET! MEGGARTEY (finally) Gentlemen, Ladies. I think we are drawing slightly off topic! We don't care if there are killer bees or killer hornets. STANFORD (cuts in) I do. A hornet is more deadly than a bee. Murmurs of agreement from the politicians. MEGGARTEY (calmly) I don't care if Stanford was bitten by a hornet or a bee. He could have been bitten by his mistress's mother for all we know. MASON (corrects Meggartey) No, she hit him with a tire-iron. POLITICIAN 2# What's a tire-iron? WILLIAMS (trying to stop the arguments) GENTLEMEN! LADIES! Long pause. POLITICIAN 3# (after pause) It's a long, metal - WILLIAMS Shut up! Long pause. Williams checks the silence for a few moments and then begins again. WILLIAMS (calmly) Right. Now...I know there have been many rumours about the changes of the cabinet and it is my duty to inform you - that this is true. I spent two days in my office – STANFORD (cuts in, to Reid) I spent three days in my office. That bloody assistant of mine locked the door - from the outside. I was yelling for over three hours. POLITICIAN 1# (inquiring) Why did she lock the door? REID (completing the explanation) There was a hornet's nest in his office. MEGGARTEY Killer Hornets? Williams slams his fist on the table. There is dead silence. STANFORD (continues, quietly) Actually, it could have been bees. Williams grits his teeth and bangs the table a further three times, as a call for total silence. WILLIAMS Gentlemen! REID (quietly, ashamed) Sorry, Prime Minister... (pause) Please continue... WILLIAMS (tries to be calm) Now, two days in MY OFFICE. And I have finally come to many key decisions that I think would improve this government entirely. STANFORD You retiring sir? All the politicians look at Stanford. WILLIAMS Shut up Stanford! Stanford puts his head down. STANFORD (quietly) Yes, Mr. Prime Minister. Short pause. WILLIAMS (continuing finally) Right. Many changes. Now, as you all know. Our dear faithful Arnold Meggartey has overtaken the role of Deputy Prime Minister and my right hand man. STANFORD (whispers to Reid) Wouldn't trust him with your right hand, that's the hand he writes with. WILLIAMS (continuing, not hearing what Stanford said) Now, there are many other posts to consider and even re-consider. (produces a notepad from his jacket pocket, he opens it and inspects it) Firstly, Derek Mason. All look to Mason. WILLIAMS (smiles) Dear Mason, you have been a faithful companion and great asset to this cabinet - REID (cuts in) And dare I say to the National Alcohol's Society. Titters of laughter from the other politicians. WILLIAMS (smiles) A faithful man nevertheless and a fantastic Chief Minister of Society Affairs. (frowns slightly) But now time has changed. We have fresh blood ready to set into stone and with that a more qualified politician than yourself. Which is why we are demoting you to the rank of Junior Minister of Society Affairs? REID (to Stanford, smiling) Junior. Since when has a 52-year old conservative been a junior? MASON (slightly upset, maybe even stunned) But sir, surely you can't be serious. I only received the post of Chief Minister last month after serving as Minister for three years. WILLIAMS Like I said, Mason. Times are changing... (looks at notepad) Ah, Bartholomew Graham Stanford. REID (whispers to Stanford) He's goanna wipe the floor with you. WILLIAMS Minister of Historical Affairs. Preserving the good of our nation's grand timeline - REID (to himself) And Spanish clogs. WILLIAMS (continuing) But alas...alas poor Stanford. Like Mason, we have a more qualified young woman waiting to feel your shoes. MASON (to himself) She must have bloody big feet. WILLIAMS (continuing) Which is why. We are creating a new post...just for you. STANFORD A new post? MEGGARTEY (grinning) Oh, yes. A new post, Stanford. STANFORD (wondering) Um...what is it? WILLIAMS (smiling) Minister of...Accident Prone Affairs... There is a huge burst of tittering amongst the politicians. STANFORD (sarcastically) Oh, thank you sir - I've always wanted that post. WILLIAMS (concealing his laughter) Good, good. (looks at the final name on his notepad) And of course, our dearly admired Mr. Tony Reid. We focus on Reid. He gulps. REID (in his mind) Oh, bugger. WILLIAMS Actually, you are one of the only cabinet members to be – promoted REID (surprised) Promoted? Really? (happy) Oh, thank you. Thank you, Prime Minister. WILLIAMS You have been a very successful Deputy Minister of Business Affairs for this country and we respect you for that. REID Thank you, sir. WILLIAMS But now is the time for a more dominant role for our beloved Reid. REID (thinking) Really? WILLIAMS Yes. (moves closer) As of this moment you are Anthony John Reid, the Deputy Minister of Business Affairs... (pause) And Minister... Reid's eyes widen in excitement. WILLIAMS Of...Foreign...Affairs. Reid's eyes widen in horror. OFFICE OF BUSINESS AFFAIRS, GOVERNORS OF BRITAIN HEADQUARTERS Shelly is sat on Reid's desk. Reid is pacing up and down the room, he appears angry, worried and shaken all at once. SHELLY (puzzled) Foreign Affairs? REID (angry) Can you believe it! That bastard Meggartey, I bet my kidney that he told Williams to give me that post. SHELLY (trying to be intelligent) Oh, not your kidney sir. You only have one... REID (continuing) I mean Meggartey has been wanting to give my job for - (realizing) One kidney? SHELLY Yes, sir. (puts up her index finger) One. REID (thinks for a second) Right. (continues his anger) I mean he's always wanted his son to be Deputy Minister of Business Affairs. It won't be long before they snatch that title away from me and all I get left with is - Minister of Foreign Affairs. SHELLY (tries to cheer Reid up) Ah, come on sir. It can't be that bad. I mean your Minister of Foreign Affairs. REID Shelly...let me explain. In the past year we have had... (counts on his hands) Over... (puts his hands down) Well over ten candidates for Foreign Minister and every single one of them either quit, retired or came down with I-Cannot-Be-Asked-To-Do-The-Bloody-Thing Syndrome. SHELLY (sighs) Aye, my ex boyfriend had that. REID I mean come on. Nobody in there lifetime wants to be Minister of Foreign Affairs. All that travelling, all those languages and all that - (puts his hand over his mouth) Disgusting cuisine. SHELLY Oh come on.... (pauses) Travelling...isn't that bad. REID But I'm a businessman, Shelly. A great businessman at that... (looks out the window) I run the stockholders of Great Britain... SHELLY (sighs) Well, no. Wallace Fairchild does. Your the deputy, he's the actual Minister. REID Fairchild? Oh do leave off, Shelly. Wallace has been off 'ill' for over four years. Everybody knows that I'm the main person who tries to run this nation's economy. SHELLY (thinking) Isn't that the Chancellor of the Checkers job? REID The Exchequer, Shelly. SHELLY I didn't even know he played. REID (confused, turns to face Shelly) Pardon? SHELLY I didn't know he played checkers. (smiles) REID (turns back and bangs his head lightly on the window) I don’t know...Nobody wants the job. I mean I'd rather have been the new Minister of Accident Prone Affairs. SHELLY (laughs out loud) Oh, yeah. One of the girls was telling me that Stanford got the job. REID And the worst thing is... (pauses) I have to catch a plane to Paris tomorrow morning to meet with Pierre La Blaine... (chill down his spine) ...the crazy Frenchmen. SHELLY Oh my god (smiles) He's like that really, really, really, really, really handsome French politician isn't he? REID (nods) The frog. Yeah, that's him. SHELLY Oh my god. I have a poster of him on my wall. REID (confused) You have a poster of Pierre La Blaine on your wall? SHELLY Oh yes. (whispers, even though nobody else is around) I cut him out of the Times on Sunday newspaper (smiles) REID (smiles) Funny... (sarcastically) I would have cut him OFF. AIRPORT, SOMEWHERE IN ENGLAND Reid has just arrived at an airport. He is carrying a travel suitcase and his trench coat over his arm. He advances across to the front desk. There is an elderly woman in front of him. A male steward is currently serving her. STEWARD (tapping a few keys into the computer) So, madam. What location are you seeking? ELDERLY WOMAN Well, I don't really know. STEWARD (copying, confused) You don't really know? ELDERLY WOMAN (slowly, thinking) Well, I was hoping for somewhere - exciting, hot and interesting. REID (under his breath, to himself) No where in Europe then. STEWARD (smiles) I think I may have the perfect location for you madam. ELDERLY WOMAN (excitedly) Oh, really. STEWARD Yes. The Steward disappears behind the counter and reappears with a holiday brochure. Reid is wondering what the hell is going on, he looks at his watch and then sighs. STEWARD (flicks through the pages) We have many locations and destinations we can offer you. Including Paris, Madrid, Rome, Athens, Copenhagen and Amsterdam. ELDERLY WOMAN (wide-eyed) Oh, Amsterdam...that sounds very saucy. STEWARD Fancy a trip to Amsterdam then, madam? ELDERLY WOMAN Oh, absolutely. STEWARD (smiles as he can smell money) Okay, madam. (taps a few keys into the computer) A single ticket to Amsterdam... (to Elderly Woman) First class? ELDERLY WOMAN Why is there another class? STEWARD (grins) That's what I like to hear. (taps in a few more keys) You'll have access to the bar, restaurant... (dripping with charm) And your own private lavatory...for a charming young lady such as yourself. REID (to himself) Pass me a bucket, I'm goanna be sick. ELDERLY WOMAN (grinning) That sounds absolutely perfect. (opens her purse) And how much will that ticket be? STEWARD Three-Hundred and Seventy-Six Pounds. ELDERLY WOMAN Three-Hundred and... (shocked) How much? STEWARD That is the standard charge for a first class plane ticket to Amsterdam, madam. ELDERLY WOMAN (thinks) Well, that is a lot steeper than I thought it was going to be... (has an idea) How much if I take away the private lavatory? STEWARD (taps a few keys into the computer) Two hundred and Fifty Pounds, madam. ELDERLY WOMAN (still shocked) Oh....um...how much if I take away the access to the bar? STEWARD (sighs heavily, taps in a few more keys) One-Hundred and Eighty Pounds. Reid sighs heavily in waiting. ELDERLY WOMAN (thinks for a moment) Oh... (short pause) How much without the rest- STEWARD (cuts in, knowing what she is going to ask) Sixty Two Pounds and Forty Pence. ELDERLY WOMAN (grinning from ear to ear) That's more like it. (places the money on the counter) I like a nice little holiday once in a while. STEWARD (handing her the ticket and taking the money) Don't we all... (sarcastically with a smile) I simply can't wait for the next holiday you book with us, madam. ELDERLY WOMAN (laughs) Neither can I. I think I'll try Athens next. The Elderly Lady walks off to the terminal. Reid checks his watch and moves forward to the counter. STEWARD Yes, sir. How can I help you? REID (checks his watch again) Um...Tony Reid. Flight 21B for Paris. STEWARD Very good sir... (taps in a few buttons) REID And my assistant, Shelly McClaren... (turns around) Shelly... (he can't see her in sight) Shelly, Shelly...Where the bloody hell is that woman? Shelly we can see has just got out of a taxi. She is carrying her clipboard, a small suitcase and is wearing holiday sunglasses and an extremely fluffy pink coat. Shelly hurries across to the front desk where Reid is. Both men are staring at her appearance. SHELLY (out of breath) Sorry, Mr. Reid. REID Where the hell were you, Shelly? SHELLY I'm sorry. It was the taxi. I didn't have enough money. REID (confused) You didn't have enough money? But all the secretaries received a one-thousand pound bonus EACH. SHELLY (looks down) Well, I... REID Shelly...you didn't spend your one-thousand pound bonus on that...dare I call it...’coat’. SHELLY (like an excited child, not wanting to give up) But I couldn't help it. It looked so lonely in the shop window. REID I saw a statuette of a naked Greek god in a Garden Centre in Hampstead. He was lonely...but I didn't spend a bloody one-thousand pound bonus on him. SHELLY Aw... (smiles) Well you should have. Would have been nice to take on holiday, add it to the Foreign Minister's Villa in Greece. REID (sarcastically) Oh, yes. I'll just go and get him and put him in my suitcase beside my TOOTHBRUSH shall I? SHELLY (looks down) There's no need to get angry, Mr. Reid. STEWARD (coughs, to obtain attention) Excuse me, Mr. Reid. REID (snaps) What? STEWARD Um...just thought I'd like to say that your flight has already left. REID (shocked) WHAT! STEWARD (slightly intimidated) Flight 21B....it left two minutes ago sir. (looks to Shelly) While you were arguing with the Lady in Pink. Reid turns slowly to face Shelly. She gets a big innocent smile, removes her sunglasses and wags her eyelashes at him. REID (slowly) You...stupid...woman. Reid turns back to face the Steward. REID (inquiring, while angry still) When is the next available flight to Paris? STEWARD (taps in a few keys into the computer) Flight 27C, sir. REID When does that leave? STEWARD In... (checks the clock on the wall behind him) about...Four hours. REID (grits his teeth) Great. Perfect. Excellent. (turns to Shelly) Let's...go. Reid grabs Shelly's arm and, while with gritted teeth still, walk out of the airport front doors. SHELLY (calls gently) Taxi...Taxi... REID (yells at the top of his lungs) TAXI! Reid and Shelly enter the back of a taxi. Reid is very stressed and annoyed, Shelly is still as bubbly and clumsy as ever though. There is a long pause of silence between the two as the taxi starts up and begins to move away from the Airport. SHELLY (smiles) Nice suit. REID (calmly) Thank you. SHELLY I like dark suits. REID Really. SHELLY Yeah...don't show stains. REID That ruins an idea of a dinner suit then. SHELLY (laughs out loud) Oh, yeah. Reid cringes at the loud bubbly laugh. He is still angry about the flight. REID (trying to be polite, but grits his teeth) Did your...ex-boyfriend...did he...have dark suits? SHELLY Eddy? REID (thinks for a second) Yeah... SHELLY (smiles) Oh, no. He absolutely hated them. Said dark was too...dark. REID (realizing Shelly's stupidity) Troublesome young man then... SHELLY (smiles) Oh, yes. He was. Long pause. SHELLY (continues) He liked white suits. REID White? SHELLY Yeah. White. REID (not really interested) Fascinating. Long pause. REID Bet they didn't stop the stains though. SHELLY Oh, no.... Another long pause. SHELLY (casually) However, one stain wasn't noticeable. Long pause. Reid just clicks at what Shelly has suggested. REID (with a weird look on his face, to driver) Florence Street, please... (looks at Shelly, and then back at the driver) And quickly. CUT TO BLACK. END. CREDITS AND MUSIC ROLL.