小品剧卖拐-第一场台词

高秀敏: 啊~~~ 大忽悠～大忽悠～ Haha! Now we welcome our con man! 赵本山: 喊啥大忽悠，今儿出来卖这完应，别叫我艺名行不行, That’s what they are calling me these days? It’s not cool. I’m a con artist. 高秀敏: 孩儿他爸， Honey, 赵本山: 恩， Yes? 高秀敏: 要我说这个拐就别卖啦～ I don’t think we can sell it. 赵本山: 因为啥呀, Why? 高秀敏: 这满大街都是腿脚好的，谁买你那完应啊, On this street, people are walking with both their legs. There is no one to sell it to. 你废话，不卖了，做这副拐又搭工又搭料，一天一宿没睡觉，不做不赵本山: 赔了么, Shut up! How could we not even try to sell it? I spent all night to get it done. If we can’t sell it, it will be all in vain 高秀敏: 哎呀，那这满大街都是腿脚好的，能卖出去吗～ Err, but none of these people are disabled. How could we make a sale? 赵本山: 你还不了解我吗，还管我叫大忽悠呢。我能把正的忽悠斜了，能把蔫 的忽悠谑了，能把尖人忽悠嗫了，能把小两口过的挺好，我给他忽悠 分别了。今天卖拐，一双好腿我能给他忽悠瘸了～ Don’t you know me? I’m the con artist. I can sell combs to monks, sell lamps to the blind, and I can sell these crutches to any one I think fit. 高秀敏: 哈哈，你可拉倒吧， Haha, you must be joking! 赵本山: 信不信, So you don’t believe it? 高秀敏: 不信 No 赵本山: 那你就睁大眼睛等着瞧吧 Then open up your eyes and see for yourself. 赵本山: 愿者上钩，懂么,帮我喊两句 The willing person always takes the bait. Will you shout for me? 高秀敏: 我不会忽悠，你自个整得了~ No, it’s all you. 赵本山: 看我眼色行事，好不,哎，来人了，喊~~~ Follow me lead, OK? Someone is coming.Ready? Go! 高秀敏: 啊，拐了噢，拐啦，拐了噢～拐啦，拐啦～拐啦～ Crutches! Cruntches! 范 伟: 我说你喊什么呀,我的胯碍着你哪了, What’s the matter with you? What did my crutch do to you? 赵本山: 我们卖拐呢 We are selling these crutches. 范 伟: 行啦，再见～ Ok, bye. 赵本山: 站下~~~非常严重。 Stop! It’s quite serious! 高秀敏: 啥呀, What is? 赵本山: 太严重了。 Maybe too serious. 范 伟: 说啥呐, What are you talking about? 赵本山: 呵呵，没你事儿~~~ Nothing. 高秀敏: 什么完应严重啊, What is too serious? 赵本山: 应该告诉他~~~这病，危险~~~我这看出点问题来，但是 ~~~你走吧~~~ 走~~~ I should tell him. It’s very dangerous. I see it. But,,, Please go. Off you go! 范 伟: 神神叨叨的~~~ 你可真是~~~ Nut case! You are really… 赵本山: 就这病发现就晚期～ It only shows in late term. 范 伟: 你怎么回事你啊,诅咒我呢，是吧, What’s wrong with you? Are you cursing me? 赵本山: 别激动，看出点问题来，哎呀，说你也不信~~~ Don’t get excited. There is something wrong with you. Err, you wouldn’t believe it any way. 范 伟: 你得说出来我信不信呐，怎么回事儿啊, Speak your mind, and I will decide whether I believe you or not. 赵本山: 先不说病情，我知道你是干啥的～ First of all, I know what your job is. 范 伟: 咳咳还知道我是干啥的，我是干啥的, How? What is my job? 赵本山: 你是做生意的大老板—— A big boss… 范 伟: 啥, What? 赵本山: 那是不可能地。 Is not what you are. 范 伟: 废话，大老板有骑这个出来的吗, Sure! Would any big boss riding a bike? 赵本山: 在饭店工作。 You work in a restaurant 高秀敏: 你咋知道他是在饭店呢, How do you know that? 赵本山: 身上一股葱花味~~~ 是不是饭店的, He smells like onion? Do you work in a restaurant? 范 伟: 那~~~ 你说我是饭店干啥的, Well, what is my job in the restaurant? 赵本山: 颠勺的厨师～ Chef! 范 伟: 咦, Vow, 赵本山: 是不, Am I right? 高秀敏: 哎呀，你咋知道他是厨师呢, How do you know that? 赵本山: 脑袋大，脖子粗，不是大款就伙夫～——是不,是厨师不, The head, and the neck! Big boss or cook! Am I right? You are a cook. 范 伟: 哇，行行行~~~ 算算算你猜对了， Ok. I suppose You are right. 赵本山: 别算，是不是, Suppose? Am I right or not? 啊，呀呀呀，是，是。那你刚才怎么的说我，说什么又是严重了，又范 伟: 是晚期，那是怎么回事儿, Yes, you are right. What are you talking about me then? What’s serious and there is also something about late term. What is going on? 赵本山: 你能信吗, Do you believe me? 范 伟: 我我我~~~我信， Yeah, yeah, yes, I do. 赵本山: 在最近的一段时间内，感觉没感觉到你的浑身某个部位，跟过去不一 样了。你想，你使劲想~~~，真的， Do you feel some part of your body is not Ok? It’s not like it used to be. Think hard! 范 伟: 我没觉着，我就觉着我这脸越来越大呀, No. But I think my face is getting bigger and bigger. 赵本山: 对了，这不是主要病症～你知道你的脸为什么大吗, Yes! That’s it! Do you know why? 范 伟: 为啥, Why? 赵本山: 是你的末梢神经坏死把上边憋大了。 Your nerve ends are dying. 范 伟: 哪坏死, Where? 赵本山: 病根在这儿呢 The reasons lie here. 范 伟: 腿呀, My legs? 赵本山: 对头～ Correct answer! 范 伟: 不对，我腿没啥大毛病～ No. My legs are fine! 赵本山: 走两步～走两步～没病走两步～走～ Then walk! Walk! Walk! 范 伟: 行行~~~ 走两步走走走两步走两步走两步~~~ Ok. Walking, walking, walking… 赵本山: 停～你鞋没毛病吧, Stop! Are your shoes Ok? 范 伟: 有啥毛病呀, What’s wrong? 赵本山: 一跟高一跟低, You are limping 范 伟: 我没有吧, Am I? 赵本山: 对头，就是是你的腿有病，一条腿短～ You are! Something is seriously wrong with your legs. One is shorter. 范 伟: 没那个事儿～我要一条腿长，一条腿短的话，那卖裤子人就告诉我了～ No way! If one is shorter. The person selling trousers would have told me. 赵本山: 卖裤子的告诉你你还卖裤子么，谁像我心眼这么好哇,这样吧，我给 你调调。信不信，你的腿随着我的手往高抬，能抬多高抬多高，往下 使劲落，好不好,腿指定有病，右腿短～来，起来～ If he tells you, will you still buy trousers form him? Ay, no one is as nice as me. If you don’t believe it, do as I say. OK? Raise your legs, as high as you can. Now, let go. The right one, Raise, hold, fall. (范伟配合做动作) 赵本山: 停～麻没, Stop? Can you feel it? 范 伟: 麻了 No. 高秀敏: 哎，他咋麻了呢, How come? 赵本山: 你跺，你也麻～ You drop your legs like that. You can’t feel your legs either. 赵本山: 麻没麻,麻没, Can you feel it? 范 伟: 麻了~~~ No, I can’t 赵本山: 走起来，走起来～别控制，腿百分之百有病，别控制，放松～走～走 走走～走，快走～走，别想，你跟我走好不,走起来，一点一点就好 了，走~~~ Now walk again. Relax! And Walk. Don’t think, Ok? Now follow me. (范伟配合做动作) 范 伟: 诶呀，诶呀，诶呀~~~ 哎呀我的妈呀～ Oh, oh, my sweet lord! 赵本山: 你走～ Walk. 高秀敏: 好腿给忽悠瘸啦～ These good legs are gone 范 伟: 什么完应你说, What are you saying? 赵本山: 你看着没，我媳妇儿都看出来了，她说你忽忽悠悠就瘸了。 My wife is saying that your legs are in bad conditions 范 伟: 大姐呀，那这早咋没发现呢, Why didn’t I find this out sooner? 高秀敏: 早你没碰见他，你早碰见他早就瘸了~~ Because you just met him. 赵本山: 我早就给你调过来了~~~ I would have cured you already. 范 伟: 大哥，这是怎么回事呢,这, Hey, bro. I don’t understand what this is. 赵本山: 别着急，你呀，小的时候，崴过腿， No hurry. You have broken your leg before. 范 伟: 没有啊，我这只崴过呀, No, it is this leg. 赵本山: 转移了～不知道吧，后来你的职业对你很不利，原来你不是颠勺，你 是切墩，老是往这腿上使劲，就把这条腿压的越来越重，越来越重~~~ 轻者踮脚，重者股骨头坏死，晚期就是植物人～ It moves. And your job makes it even worse. When you cook, all your weight is on this leg. And it will get worse and worse. Limping is lucky, if you are unlike, you will be in bed until your death. 高秀敏: 哈哈 哈哈哈哈哈~~~ Haha,,, 赵本山: 干啥完应, What? 高秀敏: 太好玩了 It’s so funny. 赵本山: 你老实点～我在调病呢～ You behave yourself. I have a patient here. 范 伟: 大哥，那什么我得用点什么药呢, Hey, bro. What should I take? 赵本山: 用药不好使～ Drugs are no good. 高秀敏: 大过年的，别让人吃药，快说拐吧～ It’s Christmas. Don’t mention drug. The crutches。 赵本山: 看，我老伴都知道，拄拐～ Look, even my wife knows that. You should use crutches. 范 伟: 拄拐, Crutches? 赵本山: 请坐~~~ 拄上拐之后，你的两条腿逐渐就平衡了，一点一点也就好了， 我当初，一个老头看出我腿有病，她就心疼钱，不让我看病，最后， 残了~~~ Please! Now you have your balance back. A long tome ago, there is an old man. His legs are bad. But she doesn’t have the money and I am disabled now. 范 伟: 你呀, You? 赵本山: 里头有钢板，回不过来弯~~~ Steel inside. 范 伟: 这是条废腿呀, So this is a broken leg? 高秀敏: 老头子咱这是好腿~~~ But your legs are great. 赵本山: 你说啥呢～好~~~ 好腿谁拄拐呀, Shut up! Who would need crutches with good legs. 范 伟: 是， Sure. 高秀敏: 那拐不是—— Those crutches are… 赵本山: 你别蒙人了～ Stop lying! 范 伟: 哎呀大姐你就别老跟着瞎搅和了行不行啊,这是病人和病人之间在探 讨病情，你老跟着掺啥呀这是~~~ 我看这腿怎么回事~~~ Hey, sis. Could you stop, please. Patients talking. Hey, bro,my legs? 赵本山: 看~~~ 我给你走，我过去都这样走~~~ 这完了都~~~ Look, I used to walk like this. (赵本山走) 范 伟: 哎呀，哎呀，哎呀我的妈呀，哎呀呀呀~~~ 这么严重呐， Ay,Ay, That’s quite bad. 赵本山: 我甩掉多少只鞋了～ The shoes I lost. 高秀敏: 你别在那叭瞎，你甩掉鞋那回不是上人家偷小鸡儿狗撵的吗, What are you talking about? You lost your shoes stealing the chickens. 赵本山: 腿好能撵上么,你鞋多少钱一只, If I have good legs, the dogs will never catch me. How much is your pair of shoes? 范 伟: 那个~~~ 二百二~~~ Well, 220yuan 赵本山: 二百二呀,正好一副拐钱。 That’s the price for a pair of crutches. 范 伟: 那得在哪买拐呢, Where do I buy them? 赵本山: 拐呀 The crutches? 高秀敏: 这不是吗，正好把这副拐就卖给你~~~ We can sell this pair to you 你说啥呢,过去～卖啥呀,我拄什么完应卖,你咋这样呢,女人抠，赵本山: 送给他不就完了吗, What are you saying? Selling? I will give them to you as a gift. 范 伟: 别呀， Please don’t. 高秀敏: 不卖啦, So we are not selling? 赵本山: 别说话了行不,接拐～ Just stop talking, Ok? Here you are! 范 伟: 呀，大哥～哎呀，大哥，我不能白要，我得给钱~~~ No, bro! I need to give you the money. 赵本山: 我知道你性格，她女人要钱了，你也磨不开不给，你要脸，你这么给 你说我不要就等于瞧不起你，是不,我还得要，给一半，一百。 I know you are a proud man, you will feel bad if I don’t take your money. And my wife is here. But I will only take 100. 范 伟: 哎，行行行~~~ Ok, 赵本山: 我告诉你多给我跟你激噢～ No more than 100, Ok? 范 伟: 好好好 Sure. (范伟掏钱) 范 伟: 诶呀大哥呀，大哥那什么~~~ 我这俩兜加一块才三十二块钱~~~ Hey, bro. I only have 32 yuan in my pockets 高秀敏: 那就拿着吧，要多少是多呀 Just take it. And say byebye. 赵本山: 要什么自行车呀,要啥自行车, Bike? I can’t ask him for the bike. 范 伟: 哎呀，对对对~~~ Oh, yes. Take the bike. 赵本山: 你咋这么个样呢, How could you? 高秀敏: 我没说要自行车呀,你说的要自行车~~~ I didn’t ask for the bike. You said it. 赵本山: 见笑了噢，这媳妇儿我也管不了了，就跟人要自行车， Please don’t laugh at me. I can’t control her. Asking you for the bike. 高秀敏: 我没说要自行车～ I didn’t ask for it. 赵本山: 以后我不领你出来~~~ Don’t come with me the next time. 范 伟: 大哥你别老生气，我觉着我大姐这句话说的还是有道理的，你说像我 这腿脚呢，基本就告别自行车啦，是不,我就把自行车给你啦~~~ 行 不行, Hey, bro. Don’t get mad. Ok? Your wife has a point. With my legs, I can never ride this bike ever again. The bike is yours now. 赵本山: 好好好~~~你坚持给我就收下了 Well, If you insist. 不行~~~ 你不能要人家自行车。你快点拿回去，推回去~~~ 你不知道高秀敏: 他这是坑你呢～ No! You can’t take his bike. Take your bike back and go away. He is conning you. 范 伟: 你这是坑我～你怎么这样呢,我就纳闷了，同样是生活在一起的两口 子，做人的差距怎么这么大呢, You are conning me. You are man and wife. How can you be so different! 赵本山: 兄弟，架拐～ Hey, bro. crutches～ 范 伟: 大哥，今天碰上你真是我的造化呀。 I’m really lucky I meet you today. 赵本山: 别激动~~~ 回去好好养病，过几天就好了~~~ Don’t get excited. Stay in home for a few days and you will get all better. 范 伟: 好~~~ 大哥， Ok 高秀敏: 你这么做是不有点太过分了你呀, That’s very wrong! 赵本山: 过啥分，他还得谢咱呢 Wrong? He will thank us. 范 伟: 谢谢噢～ Thanks very muck 赵本山: 你看看～ See～ (范伟拄拐下场) 赵本山: 瞅啥呀,你咋的心疼了咋的,走，换个地方～ What are you looking at? Let’s go! 高秀敏: 还干啥去呀, Go where? 赵本山: 找个腿脚不好的把自行车卖他～ Find someone with bad legs and sell him this bike. (赵本山推自行车下场 高秀敏下场) (完)