《经典幽默故事》-中英文对照

《经典幽默故事》-中英文对照 《经典幽默故事》-中英文对照目 录 ?出门在外 第一次与最后一次 第一次坐飞机 钉子还是苍蝇, 其余的事由我负责 热与冷 士兵的高招 新发现 一个坏印象 ?工作插曲 安眠药 创造性 催单 模仿鸟儿 你是怎样来的, 三个外科医生 一面之辞 走私犯 ?购物传奇 采购过早 翅 膀 零钱不用找了 三声口哨 太有礼貌 优缺点 照相机 中间战术 ?军旅趣话 大制服 快速反应 视力训练 速度限制 西点军校 真没想到我已经往回跑了这么远 正是士兵 最好的奖赏 ?生活空间 臭鼬 搞错了 好消息和坏消息 绝 配 耐 性 世界上最伟大的击剑手 只有一次 追星族 ?童心快语 不用找了 缠住不放 款 待 模 仿 睡前祷告词 我很高兴 我教老师 小妹妹 幸运的母亲 一个数学问题 一切都正常 原来如此 ?我爱我家 百万富翁 迪斯尼之族 家规 老夫妻吵架 孪生龙虾 势均力敌 同样的服务 我还不认识她呢 ?校园喜剧 班和笨驴 抄 袭 美 德 区 别 数学没及格 业余工作 钥匙还是接吻 自己做好准备 My First and My Last First Flight A Nail Or A Fly? I'll See to the Rest Chaude and Cold A Soldier's Brilliant Idea New Discovery A Bad Impression Sleeping Pills Creative Reminder Imitate Birds How Did You Ever Get Here Three Surgeons One Side of the Case A Smugglar Early Shopper Wings Keep the Change Three Whistles Too Polite Good Points and Bad Points Camera Midway Tactics Large Uniforms Quick Reaction Visual Training Speed Limit West Point I Didn't Know That I Was So Far Back Already! None Other Than a Soldier Best Reward Skunk A Mistake Good News And Bad News Perfect Match Patience The World's Greatest Swordsman Only Once Starstruck Keep the Change Persistance Treat Imitation Bedtime Prayers I'm Glad I Taught the Teacher A Baby Sister Lucky Mother A Problem in Arithmetic Things Have Been Okay That's Why Millionaire A Trip to Disney A Family Rule An Old Couple's Quarrel Twin Lobsters A Fine Match The Same Service I Don't Know Her Class and Ass Plagiarism Virtue Difference Flunking Math Part-time Job Keys? Kiss? Prepare Yourself 第一次与最后一次 乔治35岁时买了架小型飞机，并开始学习驾驶。不久，他就能很娴熟地驾机做各种各样的特技飞行了。 乔治有个朋友名叫马克。一天，乔治主动邀请马克乘他的飞机上天兜一圈。马克心想，“我乘大客机飞行过好几次，还从来没有乘过小飞机，我不妨试一试。” 升空后，乔治飞了有半个小时，在空中做了各种各样的飞行特技。 后来他们着陆了。马克很高兴能够安全返回地面。他用颤抖的声音对他的朋友说:“乔治，非常感谢你让我乘小飞机做了两次飞行。” 乔治非常吃惊地问:“两次飞行,” “是的，我的第一次和最后一次。”马克答道。 My First and My Last When George was thirty-five, he bought a small plane and learned to fly it. He soon became very good and made his plane do all kinds of tricks. George had a friend. His name was Mark. One day George offered to take Mark up in his plane. Mark thought, "I've travelled in a big plane several times, but I've never been in a small one, so I'll go." They went up, and George flew around for half an hour and did all kinds of tricks in the air. When they came down again, Mark was very glad to be back safely, and he said to his friend in a shaking voice, "Well, George, thank you very much for those two trips in your plane." Gerogy was very surprised and said, "Two trips?" "Yes, my first and my last," answered Mark. 第一次坐飞机 约翰逊先生从前未乘过飞机，他读过许多关于飞行事故的报道。 所以，有一天一位朋友邀请他乘自己的小飞机飞行时，约翰逊先生非 常担心，不敢接受。不过，由于朋友不断保证说飞行是很安全的，约 翰逊先生终于被说服了，登上了飞机。 他的朋友启动引擎开始在机场跑道上滑行。约翰逊先生听说飞行 中最危险的是起飞与降落，所以他吓得紧闭双眼。 过了一两分钟，他睁开双眼朝窗外望去，接着对朋友说道:“看 下面那些人，他们看起来就象蚂蚁一样小，是不是,” “那些就是蚂蚁，”他的朋友答道，“我们还在地面上。” First Flight Mr. Johnson had never been up in an aerophane before and he had read a lot about air accidents, so one day when a friend offered to take him for a ride in his own small phane, Mr. Johnson was very worried about accepting. Finally, however, his friend persuaded him that it was very safe, and Mr. Johnson boarded the plane. His friend started the engine and began to taxi onto the runway of the airport. Mr. Johnson had heard that the most dangerous part of a flight were the take-off and the landing, so he was extremely frightened and closed his eyes. After a minute or two he opened them again, looked out of the window of the plane, and said to his friend, "Look at those people down there. They look as small as ants, don't they?" "Those are ants," answered his friend. "We're still on the ground." 钉子还是苍蝇, 一位视力正在衰退的老绅士住进了一家旅馆的客房。他双手各拿 一瓶酒。在墙上有只苍蝇，他误以为是枚钉子。他把两只瓶子朝上一 挂，瓶子掉下来摔碎了，酒洒了一地。一个女服务员发现发生的事情 以后，对他深 表 关于同志近三年现实表现材料材料类招标技术评分表图表与交易pdf视力表打印pdf用图表说话 pdf 同情，决定帮他个忙。 于是，第二天早上他到楼顶花园散步时，她把一枚钉子钉在了苍 蝇停过的地方。 这里，老人回到了房里。倒洒的酒味让他想起了那件事。他抬头 往墙上一看，苍蝇又停在了那儿!他轻手轻脚地走近，使尽全力拍了 一掌。听到一声大叫，好心的女服务员冲进房来。让她大为吃惊的是， 可怜的老头正坐在地板上，牙关紧咬，右手滴血不止。 A Nail Or A Fly? An old gentleman whose eyesight was failing came to stay in a hotel room with a bottle of wine in each hand. On the wall there was a fly which he took for a nail. So the moment he hung them on, the bottles fell broken and the wine spilt all over the floor. When a waitress discovered what had happened, she showed deep sympathy for him and decided to do him a favour. So the next morning when he was out taking a walk in the roof garden, she hammered a nail exactly where the fly had stayed. Now the old man entered his room. The smell of the spilt wine reminded him of the accident. When he looked up at the wall, he found the fly was there again! He walked to it carefully adn slapped it with all his strength. On hearing a loud cry, the kind-hearted waitress rushed in. To her great surprise, the poor old man was there sitting on the floor, his teeth clenched and his right hand bleeding! 其余的事由我负责 一位车上的列车员刚发出信号让火车启动，这时他看见一位很漂 亮的姑娘站在站台上一节打开的车厢门旁边，跟车厢里另一位漂亮姑 娘在说话。 “快点，小姐!”他喊道:“请把门关上。” “噢，我还没有和妹妹吻别呢。”她回答道。 “请把门关上好了，”列车员说:“其余的事由我负责。” I'll See to the Rest A guard was about to signal his train to start when he saw an attractive girl standing on the platform by an open door, talking to another pretty girl inside the carriage. "Come on, miss!" he shouted. "Shut the door, please!" "Oh, I just want to kiss my sister goodbye," she called back. "You just shut that door, please," called the guard, "and I'll see to the rest." 热与冷 蒙特利尔自助餐厅的一位顾客拧开盥洗室的龙头，结果被水烫伤 了。“这太可恶了，”他抱怨道，“标着C的龙头流出的是开水。” “可是，先生，C代表Chaude,法语里代表‘热’。如果您居住 在蒙特利尔的话就得知道这一点。” “等等，”那位顾客咆哮一声，“另外一个龙头同样标的是C。” “当然，”经理说道:“它代表冷。毕竟，蒙特利尔是个双语城 市。” Chaude and Cold A patron in Montreal cafe turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded. "This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked C gave me boiling water." "But, Monsieur, C stands for chaude - French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal." "Wait a minute," roared the patron. "The other tap is also marked C." "Of course," said the manager, "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city." 兵的高招 由于生意方面的事，罗宾逊先生得出趟门。因为有点紧急，他决 定坐飞机。乘机旅行时，他喜欢靠窗坐，故而一登机，他就寻找一个 靠窗的座位。他发现只有一个靠窗的座位还空着。在那空座位边坐着 一名士兵。令罗宾逊先生纳闷的是，这位士兵没有坐靠窗的位置。罗 宾逊先生不管那些，他马上径直朝那个空座位走去。 然而，等到了那儿，他看见座位上有则启事，是用钢笔写的:“为 保持装载平衡，特预设该位置，谢谢合作。”罗宾逊先生还从来没有 在飞机上见过如此不同寻常的启事。不过，他想飞机上一定装了什么 特别重的物品，于是他找了个不靠窗的位置。 又有两三个乘客试图坐在那个士兵旁的靠窗座位上，他们看到那 则启事就走开了。当快满座时，一位非常美丽的姑娘匆匆走进机舱。 一直在注意进舱旅客的那个士兵赶紧拿掉他旁边空座位上的启事。士 兵用这种办法，成功地找到了一位姑娘一路作伴。 A Soldier's Brilliant Idea Mr. Robinson had to travel somewhere on business, and as he was in a hurry, he decided to go by air. He liked sitting beside a window when he was flying, so when he got on to the plane, he looked for a window seat. He found all of them had already had been taken except for one. There was a soldier sitting in the seat beside this one, and Mr. Robinson was surprised that he had not taken the one by the window; but, anyhow, he at once went towards it. When he reached it, however, he saw that there was a notice on it. It was written in ink and said, "This seat is preserved for proper load balance, thank you." Mr Robinson had never seen such an unusual notice in a plane before, but he thought that the plane must be carrying something particularly heavy in it, so he walked on and found another empty seat, not beside a window, to sit in. Two or three people tried to sit in the window seat beside the soldier, but they too read the notice and went on, when the plane was nearly full, a very beautiful girl hurried into the plane. The soldier, who was watching the passengers coming in, quickly took the notice off the seat beside himself and in this way succeededin having the company of the girl during the whole trip. 新发现 一个乡下人第一次到大城市游逛。他走进一座大楼，看见一个岁 数很大的矮胖女人迈进一个小房间。房间的门随后关上，有几个灯在 闪亮。一会儿，门开了，电梯里走出一位年青漂亮的女模特。 乡下人惊奇地眨着眼睛，慢吞吞地说:“我应该把我的老婆带 来!” New Discovery A hillbilly was visiting the big city for the first time. Entering an office building, he saw a pudgy older woman step into a small room. The doors closed, lights flashed, and after a while the door slid ope and a beautiful young model stepped off the elevator. Blinking in amazement, the hillbilly drawled, "I should have brought my wife!" 一个坏印象 有六个人搭乘火车旅行，坐在同一车箱内。其中五个很安静，也很规矩。但第六个是个粗鲁的年轻人，给其他乘客招惹了许多麻烦。 最后，这位年轻人在一个车站带着两个沉重的皮箱下了车。没有一个旅客帮他的忙。有个人一直等到这位粗鲁的年轻人走得很远了，才打开窗户，对着他大声喊:“你把东西留在车厢里了!”然后，又把窗户关了起来。 年轻人转过身子，拎着两个沉甸甸的皮箱，匆匆赶了回来。他转回来时，显得非常疲倦，对着窗户大声喊:“我把什么东西留在车上了,” 当火车再次启动时，叫他回来的旅客打开窗户说:“一个极坏的印象!” A Bad Impression Six people were travelling in a compartment on a train. Five of them were quiet and well behaved, but the sixth was a rude young man who was causing a lot of trouble to the other passengers. At last this young man got out at a station with his two heavy bags. None of the other passengers helped him, but one of them waited until the rude young man was very far away and then opened the window and shouted to him, "You left something behind in the compartment!" Then he closed the window again. The young man truned around and hurried back with his two bags. He was very tired when he arrived, but he shouted through the window, "What did I leave behind?" As the train began to move again, the passenger who had called him back opened the window and said, "A very bad impression!" 安眠药 鲍勃晚上失眠。他去看医生，医生给他开了一些强力安眠药。 星期天晚上鲍勃吃了药，睡得很好，在闹钟响之前就醒了过来。 他到了办公室，遛达进去，对老板说:“我今天早上起床一点麻烦都 没有。” “好啊!”老板吼道，“那你星期一和星期二到哪儿去了,” Sleeping Pills Bob was having trouble getting to sleep at night. He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills. Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm. He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: "I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning." "That's fine," roared the boss, "but where were you Monday and Tuesday?" 创造性 第一次求职时，我意识到在列举我所具备的为数不多的条件时， 得有点创造性。当问及我是否受过其它的培训时，我老实地回答说我 花了三年时间学计算机程序设计课。我得到了那份工作。 我没有提到那门功课我重复学了三年才考及格。 Creative Applying for my first job, I realized I had to be creative in listing my few qualifications. Asked about additional schooling and training, I answered truthfully that I had spent three years in computer programming classes. I got the job. I had neglected to mention that I took the same course for three years before I passed. 催 单 我是一家兽医站的技师。当动物到了该注射疫苗的时候，我们就 寄出催单。一条德国物质牧羊犬布鲁诺来做每年一次的狂犬疫苗注 射。我们依照州法律的要求询问他的主人，在过去的十天里布鲁诺是 否咬了什么人。“噢，是的。事实上这正是我们到这儿来的原因，” 她回答说。我觉得奇怪，告诉她我们以为他们是因为收到了我们的催 单才来的。 “的确如此，”她解释道。“布鲁诺咬了给你们送催单的邮递 员。” Reminder In the veterinary office where I'm a technician, we mail out reminders when pets are due for vaccinations. Bruno, a German shepherd, arrived for his annual rabies shot, and we were required by state law to ask his owner if Bruno had bitten anyone in the last ten days. "Oh yes, in fact that's why we're here," she replied. Surprised, I told her we assumed they'd come in because of our reminder. "We did," she explained. "Bruno bit the mail carrier who was delivering your card." 模仿鸟儿 一个人想在一个舞台剧中找份工作。“你能干什么呢,”负责人 问。 “模仿鸟儿，”那人说。 “你在开玩笑吧,”负责人答道，“那样的人一毛钱可以找一 打。” “噢，那就算了。”那名演员说着，展开翅膀，飞出了窗口。 Imitate Birds A man tried to get a job in a stage show. "What can you do?" asked the producer. "Imitate birds," the man said. "Are you kidding?" answered the producer, "People like that are a dime a dozen." "Well, I guess that's that." said the actor, as he spread his arms and flew out the window. 你是怎样来的, 一个冬天的早晨，一名雇员解释他为什么迟到了四十五分钟才起 来上班。“外面太滑了，我每向前迈一步，就要向后退两步。” 老板狐疑地看着他。“噢，是吗,那你是怎样到这里来的,” “后来我决定放弃，”他说，“然后我就往家里走。” How Did You Ever Get Here One winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 45 minutes late. "It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two." The boss eyed him suspiciously. "Oh, yeah? Then how did you ever get here?" "I finally gave up," he said, "and started for home." 三个外科医生 三个有名的外科医生正在吹嘘他们的技术。“一个人断了一只 手，他来找我，”一个说，“如今那个人是个音乐会的小提琴手。” “这算不了什么，”另一个说。“一个家伙两条腿断了，他来找 我，我将它们接了回去。如今，那人是马拉松选手。” “我比你们两个都强，”第三个说，“一天，我碰到一起可怕的 车祸。除了一个马屁股，和一幅眼睛，什么都没有留下。如今，那人 坐在美国参议院里。” Three Surgeons Three famous surgeons were bragging about their skills. "A man came to me who had his hand cut off," said one. "Today that man is a concert violinist." "That's nothing," said another. "A guy came to me who had his legs cut off. I stitched them back on, and today that man is a marathon runner." "I can top both of you," said the third. "One day I came on the scene of a terrible accident. There was nothing left but a horse's posterior - and a pair of glasses. Today that man is seated in United States Senate." 一面之辞 一位法官问我们这群修补陪审员是否有人应当免权。一个人举起 了手。 “我的左耳听不见。”那人告诉法官。 “你的右边耳朵听得见吗,”法官问道。那人点了点头。 “你将被允许加入陪审团，”法官宣布。“我们每次只听一面之 辞。” One Side of the Case A judge asked our group of potential jurors whether anyone should be excused, and one man raised his hand. "I can't hear out of my left ear," the man told the judge. "Can you hear out of your right ear?" the judge asked. The man nodded his head. "You'll be allowed to serve on the jury," the judge declared. "We only listen to one side of the case at a time." 走私犯 一个形迹可疑的人开车来到边境，哨兵迎了上去。哨兵在检查汽 车行李箱时，惊奇地发现了六个接缝处鼓得紧绷绷的大口袋。 “里面装的是什么,”他问道。 “土。”司机回答。 “把袋子拿出来”，哨兵命令道:“我要检查。” 那人顺从地把口袋搬了出来。确实，口袋里除了土以外，别无他特。哨兵很不情愿地让他通过了。 一周后，那人又来了，哨兵再次检查汽车上的行李箱。 “这次袋子里装的是什么,”他问道。 “土，又运了一些土。”那人回答。 哨兵不相信，对那些袋子又进行了检查，结果发现，除了土以外，仍旧一无所获。 同样的事情每周重演一次，一共持续了六个月。最后，哨兵被弄得灰心丧气，干脆辞职去当了酒吧侍者。有天夜里，那个形迹可疑的人碰巧途经酒吧，下车喝酒。那位从前的哨兵急忙迎上前去对他说，“我说，老兄，你要是能帮我一个忙，今晚的酒就归我请客。你能不能告诉我，那段时间你到底在走私什么东西,” 那人俯身过来，凑近侍者的耳朵，裂开嘴笑嘻嘻地说:“汽车。” A Smugglar The suspicious-looking man drove up to the border, where he was greeted by a sentry. When the guard looked in the trunk, he was surprised to find six sacks bulging at the seams. "What's in here?" he asked. "Dirt," the driver replied. "Take them out," the guard instructed. "I want to check them." Obliging, the man removed the bags, and sure enough, each one of them contained nothing but dirt. Reluctantly, the guard let him go. A week later the man came back, and once again, the sentry looked in the truck. "What's in the bags this time?" he asked. "Dirt, more dirt." said the man. Not believing him, the guard checked the sacks and, once again, he found nothing but soil. The same thing happened every week for six months, and it finally became so frustrating to the guard that he quit and became a bartender. Then one night, the suspicious-looking fellow happened to stop by for a drink. Hurrying over to him, the former guard said, "Listen, pal, drinks are on the house tonight if you'll do me a favor: Just tell me what the hell you were smuggling all that time." Grinning broadly, the man leaned close to the bartender's ear and whispered, "Cars." 采购过早 那天是圣诞节，法官在审讯犯人时也有点恻隐之心。“你为什么 而被起诉,”他问。 “采购圣诞节物品过早。”被告答。 “这不算犯法，”法官回答，“你购物多早,” 在商店开门之前，“犯人应道。 Early Shopper It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. "What are you charged with?" he asked. "Doing my christmas shopping early," replied the defendant. "That's no offense," replied the judge, "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened," countered the prisoner. 翅 膀 一天，我工作的炸鸡店在关门前出现了一阵抢购狂潮，结果除了 鸡翅外所有的东西都卖完了。当我正准备锁门时，一名喝醉了的旅客 进来要进餐。我问他翅膀行不行，他从柜台上靠过身子来，回答道: “女士，我到这儿来是吃东西的，不是要飞～” Wings The fried-chicken restaurant where I was working had a big rush just before closing one day, leaving us with nothing to sell but wings. As I was about to lock the doors, aa quietly intoxicated customer came in and ordered dinner. When I asked if wings would be all right, he leaned over the counter and replied, "Lady, I came in here to eat, not fly." 零钱不用找了 在教堂的义卖市上卖旧书时，我与一名准备买东西的顾客发生了 一场争论。他对购买袖珍奥金.纳什集颇感兴趣，但是说它要三十五 美分开价过高。其它的平装书每本才卖十或十五美分。 我指出这本书保存状况颇好，纳什是个有趣的诗人，这个要价是 合理的。他说这是个原则问题。最终，我同意以十五美分的价格将这 本书卖给他。他得意洋洋，拿出一张十美元的票子付帐。“零钱不用 找了。”他说。 Keep the Change Selling secondhand books at our church bazaar, I got into an argument with a prospective customer. He was interested in buying The Pocket Book of Ogden Nash but claimed it was overpriced at 35 cents. Other paperbacks were selling for ten or 15 cents each. I pointed out that the book was in good condition. Nash was a fun poet, and it was for a good cause. He said it was a matter of principle. Ultimately, I agreed to sell him the book for 15 cents. Triumphant, he paid with a $10 bill. "Keep the change," he said. 三声口哨 我答应过我的女朋友过生日进送她一条金项链。可是当珠宝商报 出我们看中的那条项链的价格时，我低低地打了个长口哨。“那这条 项链多少钱呢,”我指着另一个盘子里的项链问。 “先生，对你来说，”珠宝商答道，“大约值三声口哨。” Three Whistles I promised my girlfriend a gold necklace for her birthday, but when the jeweler quoted a price for one we liked, I let out a long, low whistle. "And how much are they then?" I asked, pointing to another tray. "You, sir," replied the jeweler, "about three whistles." 太有礼貌 一名妇女经