托福写作批改点评 第33期-机经独立写作—如何交友_托福写作

智课网TOEFL备考资料 托福写作批改点评第33期:机经独立写作—如何交友_ 托福写作 Topic(题目): Which way do you think is the best for a student to make new friends? 1. Joining a sports team 2. Participating in community activities 3.Traveling Target text(文章正文): Social circle plays a crucial role in people's daily life which can influence our behaviors, attitudes or even personalities. Thus it is really imperative to make proper friends. From my perspective, joining a sports team, relatively, is the best way to make new friends. This essay will here upon my strength in this issue. To begin with, our teammates absolutely have similar hobbies with us thus we can get along with them more easily. Compared to making friends while traveling, which may cause us have nothing to say due to the cultural differences, we will never get bored when we stay with a teammate. Take my own experience as an illustrated example. I have once joined a soccer club in our school and chatted with each other every day without worrying about the lack of topics. Soccer news, results of some matches, a famous soccer player's skills can all be included in our discussions. We exchange mutual ideas about soccer and all of us always find it exciting to chat with teammates. Therefore, teammates can easily become our friends because of the same interests. A second compelling reason is that cooperation is a vital factor while we do sports so we can connect with our teammates more closely. We can easily find that most of the teammates in professional soccer teams are also good friends in real life. That is because they always pass balls or cheer with each other and this exactly prompt them to know one another better. In China there is a old saying goes that teammates in the pitch, brothers in the life, which strongly expressed the close relationship between teammates. However, people we met when we take a journey can hardly become our true friends because we seldom contact them after the romantic trip. Thus, the relationship between teammates which was builded while joining a sports team can lasts long. Apart from two previous reason, a pertinent fact is that most of our teammates are at same ages with us which can let us gain experience from them. A person who at our age often faces same problems with us so we can offer as well as get advice for or from them in order to improve ourselves. Even if we quit the sports team, we can also contact with them because we may encounter same situations such as looking for jobs or marrying. Consequently, same age, which we and our teammates may at, can be a severely helpful factor in our future. In conclusion, the best way to make new friends is joining a sports team when we take account of the similar interests, the tight relationship and the semblable experience or problems we have. In this way, we can get along with them well and keep this friendship for a long time. Revised essay(批改后): Social circle plays a crucial role in people's daily life which can influence our [their] behaviors, attitudes or even personalities. Thus it is really imperative to make proper friends. From my perspective, joining a sports team, relatively, is the best way to make new friends. This essay will here upon my strength in this issue. [最后一句去掉] To begin with, our teammates absolutely have similar hobbies with us thus we can get along with them more easily. Compared to making friends while traveling, which may cause us have [有中文的痕迹。想想,你真正想表达的意思是什么,再组句试试] nothing to say due to the cultural differences, we will never get bored when we stay with a teammate. Take my own experience as an illustrated example. I have once joined a soccer club in our school and chatted with each other every day without worrying about the lack of topics. Soccer news, results of some matches,[加and] a famous soccer player's skills can all be included in our discussions. We exchange mutual ideas [这个短语和你整体的风格不搭] about soccer and all of us always find it exciting to chat with teammates. Therefore, teammates can easily become our friends because of the same interests. A second compelling reason is that cooperation is a vital factor while we do sports so we can connect with our teammates more closely. We can easily find that most of the teammates in professional soccer teams are also good friends in real life. That is because they always pass balls or cheer with each other and this exactly prompt [单数]them to know one another better. In China there is a [an] old saying goes that teammates in the pitch, brothers in the life, which strongly expressed the close relationship between teammates. However, people we met when we take a journey can hardly become our true friends because we seldom [加may] contact them after the romantic trip [或相对于队友来说,联系的次数并不多,接触的次数也是如此]. Thus, the relationship between teammates which was builded while joining a sports team can lasts long. [对比的时候,要注意本身的逻辑性和说服力] Apart from two previous reason [复数], a pertinent fact is that most of our teammates are at [the] same ages with us which can let us gain experience from them. A person who at our age often faces same problems with us so we can offer as well as get advice for or from them in order to improve ourselves. Even if we quit the sports team, we can also contact with them because we may encounter same situations such as looking for jobs or marrying. Consequently, same age, which we and our teammates may at, can be a severely helpful factor in our future. [这个论据不是那么有说服力了。或者说你没有阐述旅行中交朋友在这一点上的不足之处] In conclusion, the best way to make new friends is joining a sports team when we take account of the similar interests, the tight relationship and the semblable [拼写错误] experience or problems we have. In this way, we can get along with them well and keep this friendship for a long time. TPO小站综合点评及批改意见: 观点和论据比较清楚,但是逻辑性有待加强。 表述方面,总体来说可以,要注意的是,不要突然使用一些和你文章整体用词不搭的短语和句子,不然显得很奇怪。 语法错误不算多,继续努力吧。多注意逻辑。 预估分数:3.65 学习建议: 1、尝试用反面观点来进行论证。 2、写文章前先制定写作大纲。 3、写作是需要注意使用的论证方式,写好之后要回看修改。 4、注意论据和论点之间的关系要紧密。 5、论证方式要多样化。 6、注意论据要多用细节。看是否有更多的论据来支撑观点。