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首页 托福写作批改点评 第33期-机经独立写作—如何交友_托福写作

托福写作批改点评 第33期-机经独立写作—如何交友_托福写作.doc

托福写作批改点评 第33期-机经独立写作—如何交友_托福写作

张晓晓要找到爱
2019-04-21 0人阅读 举报 0 0 0 暂无简介

简介:本文档为《托福写作批改点评 第33期-机经独立写作—如何交友_托福写作doc》,可适用于考试题库领域

智课网TOEFL备考资料托福写作批改点评第期:机经独立写作如何交友托福写作Topic(题目):WhichwaydoyouthinkisthebestforastudenttomakenewfriendsJoiningasportsteamParticipatingincommunityactivitiesTravelingTargettext(文章正文):Socialcircleplaysacrucialroleinpeople'sdailylifewhichcaninfluenceourbehaviors,attitudesorevenpersonalitiesThusitisreallyimperativetomakeproperfriendsFrommyperspective,joiningasportsteam,relatively,isthebestwaytomakenewfriendsThisessaywillhereuponmystrengthinthisissueTobeginwith,ourteammatesabsolutelyhavesimilarhobbieswithusthuswecangetalongwiththemmoreeasilyComparedtomakingfriendswhiletraveling,whichmaycauseushavenothingtosayduetotheculturaldifferences,wewillnevergetboredwhenwestaywithateammateTakemyownexperienceasanillustratedexampleIhaveoncejoinedasoccerclubinourschoolandchattedwitheachothereverydaywithoutworryingaboutthelackoftopicsSoccernews,resultsofsomematches,afamoussoccerplayer'sskillscanallbeincludedinourdiscussionsWeexchangemutualideasaboutsoccerandallofusalwaysfinditexcitingtochatwithteammatesTherefore,teammatescaneasilybecomeourfriendsbecauseofthesameinterestsAsecondcompellingreasonisthatcooperationisavitalfactorwhilewedosportssowecanconnectwithourteammatesmorecloselyWecaneasilyfindthatmostoftheteammatesinprofessionalsoccerteamsarealsogoodfriendsinreallifeThatisbecausetheyalwayspassballsorcheerwitheachotherandthisexactlypromptthemtoknowoneanotherbetterInChinathereisaoldsayinggoesthatteammatesinthepitch,brothersinthelife,whichstronglyexpressedthecloserelationshipbetweenteammatesHowever,peoplewemetwhenwetakeajourneycanhardlybecomeourtruefriendsbecauseweseldomcontactthemaftertheromantictripThus,therelationshipbetweenteammateswhichwasbuildedwhilejoiningasportsteamcanlastslongApartfromtwopreviousreason,apertinentfactisthatmostofourteammatesareatsameageswithuswhichcanletusgainexperiencefromthemApersonwhoatourageoftenfacessameproblemswithussowecanofferaswellasgetadvicefororfromtheminordertoimproveourselvesEvenifwequitthesportsteam,wecanalsocontactwiththembecausewemayencountersamesituationssuchaslookingforjobsormarryingConsequently,sameage,whichweandourteammatesmayat,canbeaseverelyhelpfulfactorinourfutureInconclusion,thebestwaytomakenewfriendsisjoiningasportsteamwhenwetakeaccountofthesimilarinterests,thetightrelationshipandthesemblableexperienceorproblemswehaveInthisway,wecangetalongwiththemwellandkeepthisfriendshipforalongtimeRevisedessay(批改后):Socialcircleplaysacrucialroleinpeople'sdailylifewhichcaninfluenceourtheirbehaviors,attitudesorevenpersonalitiesThusitisreallyimperativetomakeproperfriendsFrommyperspective,joiningasportsteam,relatively,isthebestwaytomakenewfriendsThisessaywillhereuponmystrengthinthisissue最后一句去掉Tobeginwith,ourteammatesabsolutelyhavesimilarhobbieswithusthuswecangetalongwiththemmoreeasilyComparedtomakingfriendswhiletraveling,whichmaycauseushave有中文的痕迹。想想,你真正想表达的意思是什么,再组句试试nothingtosayduetotheculturaldifferences,wewillnevergetboredwhenwestaywithateammateTakemyownexperienceasanillustratedexampleIhaveoncejoinedasoccerclubinourschoolandchattedwitheachothereverydaywithoutworryingaboutthelackoftopicsSoccernews,resultsofsomematches,加andafamoussoccerplayer'sskillscanallbeincludedinourdiscussionsWeexchangemutualideas这个短语和你整体的风格不搭aboutsoccerandallofusalwaysfinditexcitingtochatwithteammatesTherefore,teammatescaneasilybecomeourfriendsbecauseofthesameinterestsAsecondcompellingreasonisthatcooperationisavitalfactorwhilewedosportssowecanconnectwithourteammatesmorecloselyWecaneasilyfindthatmostoftheteammatesinprofessionalsoccerteamsarealsogoodfriendsinreallifeThatisbecausetheyalwayspassballsorcheerwitheachotherandthisexactlyprompt单数themtoknowoneanotherbetterInChinathereisaanoldsayinggoesthatteammatesinthepitch,brothersinthelife,whichstronglyexpressedthecloserelationshipbetweenteammatesHowever,peoplewemetwhenwetakeajourneycanhardlybecomeourtruefriendsbecauseweseldom加maycontactthemaftertheromantictrip或相对于队友来说,联系的次数并不多,接触的次数也是如此Thus,therelationshipbetweenteammateswhichwasbuildedwhilejoiningasportsteamcanlastslong对比的时候,要注意本身的逻辑性和说服力Apartfromtwopreviousreason复数,apertinentfactisthatmostofourteammatesareatthesameageswithuswhichcanletusgainexperiencefromthemApersonwhoatourageoftenfacessameproblemswithussowecanofferaswellasgetadvicefororfromtheminordertoimproveourselvesEvenifwequitthesportsteam,wecanalsocontactwiththembecausewemayencountersamesituationssuchaslookingforjobsormarryingConsequently,sameage,whichweandourteammatesmayat,canbeaseverelyhelpfulfactorinourfuture这个论据不是那么有说服力了。或者说你没有阐述旅行中交朋友在这一点上的不足之处Inconclusion,thebestwaytomakenewfriendsisjoiningasportsteamwhenwetakeaccountofthesimilarinterests,thetightrelationshipandthesemblable拼写错误experienceorproblemswehaveInthisway,wecangetalongwiththemwellandkeepthisfriendshipforalongtimeTPO小站综合点评及批改意见:观点和论据比较清楚,但是逻辑性有待加强。表述方面,总体来说可以,要注意的是,不要突然使用一些和你文章整体用词不搭的短语和句子,不然显得很奇怪。语法错误不算多,继续努力吧。多注意逻辑。预估分数:学习建议:、尝试用反面观点来进行论证。、写文章前先制定写作大纲。、写作是需要注意使用的论证方式,写好之后要回看修改。、注意论据和论点之间的关系要紧密。、论证方式要多样化。、注意论据要多用细节。看是否有更多的论据来支撑观点。

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