请别忘记感谢身边的人

请别忘记感谢身边的人 Hi. I'm here to talk to you about the importance of praise, admiration and thank you, and having it be specific and genuine. 嗨。我在这里要和大家谈谈向别人表达赞美,倾佩和谢意的重要性。并使它们听来真诚,具体。 And the way I got interested in this was, I noticed in myself, when I was growing up, and until about a few years ago, that I would want to say thank you to someone, I would want to praise them, I would want to take in their praise of me and I'd just stop it. And I asked myself, why? I felt shy, I felt embarrassed. And then my question became, am I the only one who does this? So, I decided to investigate. 之所以我对此感兴趣是因为我从我自己的成长中注意到几年前,当我想要对某个人说声谢谢时,当我想要赞美他们时,当我想接受他们对我的赞扬,但我却没有说出口。我问我自己,这是为什么?我感到害羞,我感到尴尬。接着我产生了一个问题难道我是唯一一个这么做的人吗?所以我决定做些探究。 I'm fortunate enough to work in the rehab facility, so I get to see people who are facing life and death with addiction. And sometimes it comes down to something as simple as, their core wound is their father died without ever saying he's proud of them. But then, they hear from all the family and friends that the father told everybody else that he was proud of him, but he never told the son. It's because he didn't know that his son needed to hear it. 我非常幸运的在一家康复中心工作,所以我可以看到那些因为上瘾而面临生与死的人。有时候这一切可以非常简单地归结为,他们最核心的创伤来自于他们父亲到死都未说过“他为他们而自豪”。但他们从所有其它家庭或朋友那里得知他的父亲告诉其他人为他感到自豪,但这个父亲从没告诉过他儿子。因为他不知道他的儿子需要听到这一切。So my question is, why don't we ask for the things that we need? I know a gentleman, married for 25 years, who's longing to hear his wife say, "Thank you for being the breadwinner, so I can stay home with the kids," but won't ask. I know a woman who's good at this. She, once a week, meets with her husband and says, "I'd really like you to thank me for all these things I did in the house and with the kids." And he goes, "Oh, this is great, this is great." And praise really does have to be genuine, but she takes responsibility for that. And a friend of mine, April, who I've had since kindergarten, she thanks her children for doing their chores. And she said, "Why wouldn't I thank it, even though they're supposed to do it?" 因此我的问题是,为什么我们不索求我们需要的东西呢?我认识一个结婚25年的男士渴望听到他妻子说,“感谢你为这个家在外赚钱,这样我才能在家陪伴着孩子,” 但他从来不去问。我认识一个精于此道的女士。每周一次,她见到丈夫后会说,“我真的希望你为我对这个家和孩子们付出的努力而感谢我。” 他会应和到“哦,真是太棒了,真是太棒了。” 赞扬别人一定要真诚,但她对赞美承担了责任。一个从我上幼儿园就一直是朋友的叫April的人,她会感谢她的孩子们做了家务。她说:“为什么我不表示感谢呢,即使他们本来就要做那些事情?” So, the question is, why was I blocking it? Why were other people blocking it? Why can I say, "I'll take my steak medium rare, I need size six shoes," but I won't say, "Would you praise me this way?" And it's because I'm giving you critical data about me. I'm telling you where I'm insecure. I'm telling you where I need your help. And I'm treating you, my inner circle, like you're the enemy. Because what can you do with that data? You could neglect me. You could abuse it. Or you could actually meet my need. 因此我的问题是,为什么我不说呢?为什么其它人不说呢?为什么我能说:“我要一块中等厚度的牛排,我需要6号尺寸的鞋子,” 但我却不能说:“你可以赞扬我吗?” 因为这会使我把我的重要信息与你分享。会让我告诉了你我 内心的不安。 会让你认为我需要你的帮助。 虽然你是我最贴心的人， 我却把你当作是敌人。 你会用我托付给你的 重要信息做些什么呢？ 你可以忽视我。 你可以滥用它。 或者你可以满足我的要求。 And I took my bike into the bike store-- I love this -- same bike, and they'd do something called "truing" the wheels. The guy said, "You know, when you true the wheels, it's going to make the bike so much better." I get the same bike back, and they've taken all the little warps out of those same wheels I've had for two and a half years, and my bike is like new. So, I'm going to challenge all of you. I want you to true your wheels: be honest about the praise that you need to hear. What do you need to hear? Go home to your wife -- go ask her, what does she need? Go home to your husband -- what does he need? Go home and ask those questions, and then help the people around you. 我把我的自行车拿到车行－－我喜欢这么做－－ 同样的自行车，他们会对车轮做整形。 那里的人说：“当你对车轮做 整形时， 它会使自行车变成更好。” 我把这辆自行车拿回来， 他们把有小小弯曲的铁丝从轮子上拿走 这辆车我用了 2 年半，现在还像新的一样。 所以我要问在场的所有人， 我希望你们把你们的车轮整形一下： 真诚面对对你们想听 到的赞美。 你们想听到什么呢？ 回家问问你们的妻子，她想听到什么？ 回家问问你们的丈夫，他想听到什么？ 回 家问问这些问题，并帮助身边的人实现它们。 And it's simple. And why should we care about this? We talk about world peace. How can we have world peace with different cultures, different languages? I think it starts household by household, under the same roof. So, let's make it right in our own backyard. And I want to thank all of you in the audience for being great husbands, great mothers, friends, daughters, sons. And maybe somebody's never said that to you, but you've done a really, really good job. And thank you for being here, just showing up and changing the world with your ideas. 非常简单。 为什么要关心这个呢？ 我们谈论世界和平。 我们怎么用不同的文化，不同的语言来保持世界和平？ 我 想要从每个小家庭开始。 所以让我们在家里就把这件事情做好。 我想要感谢所有在这里的人们 因为你们是好丈夫， 好母亲， 好伙伴，好女儿和好儿子。 或许有些人从没跟你们说过 但你们已经做得非常非常得出色了。 感谢你们来 到这里， 向世界显示着你们的智慧，并用它们改变着世界。 如何跟压力做朋友 斯坦福大学心理学家 Kelly McGonigal 在本期的 TED 演讲中告诉大家跟压力做好朋友不仅可以不让压力打倒你， 还能够让你在压力下保持健康积极的生活状态。演讲中，她提到了两项研究，均证明了她的观点：压力是否影响你， 取决于你对压力的态度。以下是演讲中关于这两项研究的内容。 【第一项研究】 Now, if you were actually in this study,you'd probably be a little stressed out. Your heart might be pounding, you might be breathing faster, maybe breaking out into a sweat. And normally, we interpret these physical changes as anxiety or signs that we aren't coping very well with the pressure. 如果你此刻的确在（社会压力测试的）研究中，你或许已经有点儿承受不住了。你的心跳开始加快，你的呼吸开始便 急促，可能还会开始冒汗。通常，我们认为这些生理上的变化是紧张的表现，说明我们无法很好的应对压力。 But what if you viewed them instead as signs that your body was energized, was preparing you to meet this challenge? Now that is exactly what participants were told in a study conducted at Harvard University. Before they went through the social stress test, they were taught to rethink their stress response as helpful. That pounding heart is preparing you for action. If you're breathing faster, it's no problem. It's getting moreoxygen to your brain. And participants who learned to view the stress response as helpful for their performance, well, they were less stressed out, less anxious, more confident, but the most fascinating finding to me was how their physical stress response changed. 但是，如果我们将这些表现看做是身体进入备战状态的表现会怎么样？在哈佛大学的一项研究中，参与者正是这么被 告知的。实验参与者进入社会压力测试之前被告知，他们面对压力时的反应是有益的。心跳加速是为下一步行为做准 备。如果你的呼吸变急促，没关系，它会让你的大脑获得更多的氧气。那些被如此告知的参与者反道比较不那么崩溃、 比较不紧张，更加自信，但更让人欣喜的发现是，他们的生理反应也随情绪有了变化。 【第二项研究】 I want to finish by telling you about one more study. And listen up, because this study could also save a life. This study tracked about 1,000 adults in the United States, and they ranged in age from 34 to 93, and they started the study by asking, "How much stress have you experienced in the last year?" They also asked, "How much time have you spent helping out friends, neighbors, people in your community?" And then they used public records for the next five years to find out who died. 我想通过另一个研究来结束今天的演讲。听好咯，因为这项研究可以救命。这项研究在美国找了 1000 个年龄在 34 岁到 93 岁间的人， 他们通过一个问题开始了该研究： “去年的你， 感受到了多大的压力？”他们还问了另一个问题： “你 花了多少时间帮助朋友、邻居和社区里的其他人？”接着他们用接下来五年的公共 记录 混凝土 养护记录下载土方回填监理旁站记录免费下载集备记录下载集备记录下载集备记录下载 来看参与者中有谁去世了。 Okay, so the bad news first: For every major stressful life experience, like financial difficulties or family crisis, that increased the risk of dying by 30 percent. But -- and I hope you are expecting a but by now --but that wasn't true for everyone. People who spent time caring for others showed absolutely no stress-related increase in dying. Zero. Caring created resilience. 那好，先说坏消息：生活中每个重大的压力事件，例如财政困难或者家庭危机，会增加 30%的死亡风险。但是，我估 计你们也在期待这个“但是”，并不是对每个人都是那样。那些花时间关心其他人的人完全没有体现出压力相关的死亡 风险。零风险。关心让我们更有韧性。 And so we see once again that the harmful effects of stress on your healthare notinevitable. How you think and how you act can transform your experience of stress. When you choose to view your stress response as helpful, you create the biology of courage. And when you choose to connect with others under stress, you can create resilience. 于是我们再次看到压力对于健康的有害影响并不是不可避免的。如何对待和应对压力可以转变你面对压力的体验。当 你选择将压力反应视为有益的，你会在生理上变得有勇气。当你选择压力下与他人沟通，你的生命会更有韧性。 【演讲者简介】 Stanford University psychologist Kelly McGonigal is a leader in the growing field of “science-help.” Through books, articles, courses and workshops, McGonigal works to help us understand and implement the latest scientific findings in psychology,neuroscience and medicine. 斯坦福大学心理学家 Kelly McGonigal 是新兴研究领域“科学救助”中的领先者。通过书籍、文章、课程以及研讨会 等多种形式，McGonigal 致力于帮助我们将最新的研究成果应用到心理学、神经学和药学中去。 如何让你的演讲一鸣惊人 Since the first TED conference, 30 years ago, speakers have run the gamut from political figures, musicians, and TV personalities who are completely at ease before a crowd to lesser-known academics, scientists, and writers—some of whom feel deeply uncomfortable giving presentations. Over the years, we’ve sought to develop a process for helping inexperienced presenters to frame, practice, and deliver talks that people enjoy watching. It typically begins six to nine months before the event, and involves cycles of devising (and revising) a script, repeated rehearsals, and plenty of fine-tuning. We’re continually tweaking our approach—because the art of public speaking is evolving in real time—but judging by public response, our basic regimen works well: Since we began putting TED Talks online, in 2006, they’ve been viewed more than one billion times. 自三十年前第一届 TED 大会以来，我们邀请了各领域的讲者，有在观众面前表现得十分淡定从容的政治家、音乐家和 电视演员，也有不知名的学术家、科学家和作者，而在这群人中，有些人在演讲时会感到极不自在。这些年来，我们 探索出一套程序，能帮助缺乏经验的讲者表达、演练并最终做出为人喜爱的演讲。这个程序一般在大会举办前九到六 个月开始，包括不断 设计 领导形象设计圆作业设计ao工艺污水处理厂设计附属工程施工组织设计清扫机器人结构设计 （以及修订）讲稿、排练以及大量的微调。我们也一直在改进具体的 方法 快递客服问题件处理详细方法山木方法pdf计算方法pdf华与华方法下载八字理论方法下载 ——因为公众演讲 艺术也随着时代变化而变化——但从公众的反馈来看，基本的一些方法是很有效果的：TED 视频自 2006 年上线以来 至今已被观看十亿多次。 On the basis of this experience, I’m convinced that giving a good talk is highly coachable. In a matter of hours, a speaker’s content and delivery can be transformed from muddled to mesmerizing. And while my team’s experience has focused on TED’s 18-minutes-or-shorter format, the lessons we’ve learned are surely useful to other presenters—whether it’s a CEO doing an IPO road show, a brand manager unveiling a new product, or a start-up pitching to VCs. 基于这方面的经验，我相信一个好的演讲其实可以通过大量训练得来。在区区几小时内，演讲的内容和叙述方式就可 以由混沌不清变得精彩动人。我们团队所专注的 18 分钟甚至更短的演讲形式，对其他演讲者也很有用，无论是做 IPO 路演的 CEO，发布新产品的品牌经理，亦或寻求风投的创业者。 二十岁是不可以挥霍的光阴 5 天内超过 60 万次浏览量的最新 TED 演讲“二十岁一去不再来”激起了世界各地的热烈讨论，资深心理治疗师 Meg Jay 分享给 20 多岁青年人的人生建议：（1）不要为你究竟是谁而烦恼，去赚那些说明你是谁的资本。（2）不要把 自己封锁在小圈子里。（3）记住你可以选择自己的家庭。 Meg 说：“第一，我常告诉二十多岁的男孩女孩，不要为你究竟是谁而烦恼，开始思考你可以是谁，并且去赚那些说明 你是谁的资本。现在就是最好的尝试时机，不管是海外实习，还是创业，或者做公益。第二，年轻人经常聚在一起， 感情好到可以穿一条裤子。可是社会中许多机会是从远关系开始的，不要把自己封锁在小圈子里，走出去你才会对自 己的经历有更多的认识。第三，记住你可以选择自己的家庭。你的婚姻就是未来几十年的家庭，就算你要到三十岁结 婚，现在选择和 什么样的人交往也是至关重要的。简而言之，二十岁是不能轻易挥霍的美好时光。” 这段关于 20 岁青年人如何看待人生的演讲引起了许多 TED 粉丝的讨论，来自 TEDx 组织团队的 David Webber 就 说：Meg 指出最重要的一点便是青年人需要及早意识到积累经验和眼界，无论是 20 岁还是 30 岁，都是有利自己发 展的重要事。” When I was in my 20s, I saw my very first psychotherapy client. I was a Ph.D. student in clinical psychology at Berkeley. She was a 26-year-old woman named Alex. 记得见我第一位心理咨询顾客时，我才 20 多岁。当时我是 Berkeley 临床心理学在读博士生。我的第一位顾客是名叫 Alex 的女性，26 岁。 Now Alex walked into her first session wearing jeans and a big slouchy top, and she dropped onto the couch in my office and kicked off her flats and told me she was there to talk about guy problems. Now when I heard this, I was so relieved. My classmate got an arsonist for her first client. (Laughter) And I got a twentysomething who wanted to talk about boys. This I thought I could handle. 第一次见面 Alex 穿着牛仔裤和宽松上衣走进来，她一下子栽进我办公室的沙发上，踢掉脚上的平底鞋，跟我说她想谈 谈男生的问题。当时我听到这个之后松了一口气。因为我同学的第一个顾客是纵火犯，而我的顾客却是一个 20 出头想 谈谈男生的女孩。我觉得我可以搞定。 But I didn't handle it. With the funny stories that Alex would bring to session, it was easy for me just to nod my head while we kicked the can down the road. 但是我没有搞定。Alex 不断地讲有趣的事情，而我只能简单地点头认同她所说的，很自然地就陷入了附和的状态。 "Thirty's the new 20," Alex would say, and as far as I could tell, she was right. Work happened later, marriage happened later, kids happened later, even death happened later. Twentysomethings like Alex and I had nothing but time. Alex 说：“30 岁是一个新的 20 岁”。没错，我告诉她“你是对的”。工作还早，结婚还早，生孩子还早，甚至死亡也早 着呢。像 Alex 和我这样 20 多岁的人，什么都没有但时间多的是。 But before long, my supervisor pushed me to push Alex about her love life. I pushed back. I said, "Sure, she's dating down, she's sleeping with a knucklehead, but it's not like she's going to marry the guy." And then my supervisor said, "Not yet, but she might marry the next one. Besides, the best time to work on Alex's marriage is before she has one." 但不久之后，我的导师就要我向 Alex 的感情生活施压。我反驳说：“当然她现在正在和别人交往，她现在和一个傻瓜 男生睡觉，但看样子她不会和他结婚的。” 而我的导师说：“不着急，她也许会和下一个结婚。但修复 Alex 婚姻的最 好时期是她还没拥有婚姻的时期。” That's what psychologists call an "Aha!" moment. That was the moment I realized, 30 is not the new 20. Yes, people settle down later than they used to, but that didn't make Alex's 20s a developmental downtime. 这就是心理学家说的“顿悟时刻”。正是那个时候我意识到，30 岁不是一个新的 20 岁。的确，和以前的人相比，现在 人们更晚才安定下来，但是这不代表 Alex 就能长期处于 20 多岁的状态。 That made Alex's 20s a developmental sweet spot, and we were sitting there blowing it. That was when I realized that this sort of benign neglect was a real problem, and it had real consequences, not just for Alex and her love life but for the careers and the families and the futures of twentysomethings everywhere. 更晚安定下来，应该使 Alex 的 20 多岁成为发展的黄金时段，而我们却坐在那里忽视这个发展的时机。从那时起我意 识到这种善意的忽视确实是个问题，它不仅给 Alex 本身和她的感情生活带来不良后果，而且影响到处 20 多岁的人的 事业、家庭和未来。 There are 50 million twentysomethings in the United States right now. We're talking about 15 percent of the population, or 100 percent if you consider that no one's getting through adulthood without going through their 20s first. 现在在美国,20多岁的人有五千万,也就是15%的人口,或者可以说所有人口,因为所有成年人都要经历他们的20多岁。 Raise your hand if you're in your 20s. I really want to see some twentysomethings here. Oh, yay! Y'all's awesome. If you work with twentysomethings, you love a twentysomething, you're losing sleep over twentysomethings, I want to see — Okay. Awesome, twentysomethings really matter. 如果你现在20多岁,请举手。我很想看到有20多岁的人在这里。哦,很好。如果你和20多岁的人一起工作,你喜欢20多岁的人,你因为20多岁的人辗转难眠,我想看到你们。很棒,看来20多岁的人确实很受重视。 So I specialize in twentysomethings because I believe that every single one of those 50 million twentysomethings deserves to know what psychologists, sociologists, neurologists and fertility specialists already know: that claiming your 20s is one of the simplest, yet most transformative, things you can do for work, for love, for your happiness, maybe even for the world. 因此我专门研究20多岁的人,因为我坚信这五千万的20多岁的人,每一个人都应该去了解那些心理学家、社会学家、神经学家和生育专家已经知道的事实:你的20多岁是极简单却极具变化的时期之一。你20多岁的时光决定了你的事业、爱情、幸福甚至整个世界。 This is not my opinion. These are the facts. We know that 80 percent of life's most defining moments take place by age 35. That means that eight out of 10 of the decisions and experiences and "Aha!" moments that make your life what it is will have happened by your mid-30s. 这不是我的看法。这些是事实。我们知道80%决定你生活的时刻发生在35岁之前。这就意味着你生活的重要决定、经历和突然的领悟,有八成是在你30多岁之前发生的。 People who are over 40, don't panic. This crowd is going to be fine, I think. We know that the first 10 years of a career has an exponential impact on how much money you're going to earn. We know that more than half of Americans are married or are living with or dating their future partner by 30. 那些超过40岁的朋友不要惊慌,我想这群人会没事的。我们知道职业生涯的前10年对你将来的收入有重大影响。我们知道到了30岁的时候,超过半数的美国人会结婚或者和未来的另一半同居或者约会。