家庭背景的影响

25 3. Discovering How Family and Cultural Backgrounds Affect Our Business Careers At the beginning of the session ask to do the following: COMMUNICATION EXERCISE Each of you take 5 minutes to share the following information with one other person in the group: 1. The happiest or most exciting moment of your day. 2. The saddest moment of your day. 3. A hurt or irritation that occurred during the day. 4. Ask for something you would like without demanding it. Review of Strengthfinder Material: 1) Divide up into groups of four and share your results. Twenty minutes 2) Find one person who has one or two of your categories and talk with that person. Ten minutes 3) Share with your group what you had in common and what you don’t. Fifteen minutes 4) Was the material helpful? Share with group. Ten minutes Skill: Discovering Family Backgrounds All of us carry an instinctive picture of ourselves around in our hearts. The picture we have of ourselves developed while we were growing up. Since it is a pro- duct of childhood, it is very difficult to change in adult- hood. The effect of this instinctive picture is immense. During the first decade and a half of life, we related to the family members about us. Over and over again our parents and our sisters and brothers described how they saw us and what they saw inside of us. Their perspect- ives and opinions rushed upon us and enveloped us. As they related to us, they created a picture of ourselves in our heart. This picture can be a positive legacy or sadly a curse. A Healthy Family Background Several years ago I was meeting with a group of women and they described a woman who was not pres- ent. One of the women in the group related how she and the absent woman would go to single bars or to a party together. The woman who was speaking was quite attractive and had done some modeling. Inevitably, she 3．了解家庭和文化背景如何影响我们的职业生 活 开始聚会时 要求 对教师党员的评价套管和固井爆破片与爆破装置仓库管理基本要求三甲医院都需要复审吗 大家作沟通联系： 每个人花 5分钟与小组里的另外一人彼此分享以下 事项： 1. 今天最让你开心或兴奋的事情。 2. 一天中让你最不高兴的事情。 3. 一件让你生气或难过的事。 4. 告诉对方一个愿望，但不强求。 复习关于优势发掘的资料： 1．每四个人一组分享你的测验结果。（20分钟） 2．找一个与你有同样类别的人彼此交谈。（10分 钟） 3．在小组里分享你们有哪些相同和不同之处（15 分 钟） 4．这些资料对你是否有帮助？请在小组里分享。 （10 分钟） 技巧：了解家庭背景 我们所有的人心里都携带着一幅关乎自己 的图画，这幅图画是在我们从小长大时逐渐形成 的。由于它是从小带来的，我们在成年之后很难 去改变它。这幅画对我们的人生有着极大的影 响。 在我们人生的前面十五年时间里，我们与 家人打交道，我们的父母和姐妹兄弟描述他们眼 中的我们，我们的内心实际。他们的意见和观点 冲刷和包围着我们，在我们心里建立一幅关乎我 们自己的图画。这幅画可以是积极的遗产，也可 以是个令人伤心的咒诅。 健康的家庭 几年前在一个学习小组里，几个妇女向我描述另 一位不在场的妇女。有一个长得很漂亮、作过模 特的妇女谈到她与那个妇女如何一同去单身酒 吧、或者去一个派对。然后就要说，那个与她同 去的妇女有些矮和发胖，可是不知怎么男人都注 26 said, the other woman who was short and a little plump would end up receiving all the attention from the men. The men would ignore her more attractive friends and focus on her. The pretty woman, who was telling the story, volunteered that this less attractive woman was a delight and very other centered. I heard so much about this person that I looked forward to meeting her. Finally I did, and she met my expectations. It was easy to see why so many men found her attractive. She was comfortable with herself and cheerful, but she was also very interested in the people about her. I asked her why she was so comfortable with herself. She said that in the family she grew up in she had a deep sense of being loved and liked. Such an experience led her to have few questions about herself but great interest in the people about her. She trusted life and had a heart for people. When she instinctively viewed herself, she was comfortable and positive, so much so that she was more relationally attractive than those who were significantly prettier. She received a great gift from her parents – a positive picture of herself. Some parents have given the great gift to their children of a positive and honest picture of who they are. Such a picture also goes beyond the person herself or himself to a picture of the acceptability of one’s gender. Family and cultural backgrounds have a profound effect upon adults. Testing with different ethnic groups has shown a very interesting reality. Healthy families in different ethnic groups and different cultures will have more in common with each other than with the culture they are a part of. That is healthy families will have the same positive sense about themselves in whatever culture they are in. A person who has grown up in a healthy family will find it easier to trust people than one who has not. The reason is that their family life was reliable and safe and affectionate. They lived in the predictably affectionate world of the home. Therefore, when they went out into adult life, they could trust others. A downside exists though sometimes they were too trusting so that they were taken advantage of. The person who was raised in a healthy home also learned how to manage emotions. Emotions could be managed by talking to adults who cared and were inter- ested. They discovered an amazing and significant truth: given time a negative or painful emotion would go away. Experiencing that over and over again, it became an ins- tinct in their lives. Talking to others relieved emotional distress, and negative emotions dissipated over time. As part of this, they learned not to be patient with emotional pain. If they experienced it, they wanted to get rid of it. 意她，反倒不注意她这个美人。这位漂亮的女士 提出，那位不太漂亮的妇女真是个很招人喜欢， 完全不以自我为中心的人。 我听说了这个女人以后就希望有机会见面 认识她。后来终于遇到了，果然如我所预期，怪 不得很多男人会认为她有魅力。她是个快乐坦荡 的人，同时又表现出对周围的人很有兴趣。我问 她为什么会那么坦荡自然，她说在她长大的家庭 里，她总是深感受到喜爱的。 这样的成长经历使她从来不对自己产生疑 问，反倒对周围的人很有兴趣去了解他们。她对 生活充满信心和把握，关心其他人的事情。她对 自己本能的看法是积极正面的，所以感到非常自 在。于是乎她就成了更加善于交往的人物、也比 其他漂亮得多的人更有魅力。她从父母得到了一 份很了不起的礼物——一幅关于自己的正面良好 图画。很多作父母的人都给了自己的孩子一份伟 大的礼物，就是一个诚实的健康的自我人格意 识。这样一幅内心的图画使人不仅接纳自己，也 接纳自己的性别。 家庭和文化对人有深刻的影响。在不同的 族群中作测验，结果很有趣。健康的家庭在不 同的种族里都相似，甚至比同文化里的其他家庭 更有共同之处。也就是说，无论在什么文化里， 健康家庭有同样的积极自我观。 在健康家庭长大的人比其他人更容易信任 人，因为他们自己的家庭生活安全可靠、彼此表 达出情谊，他们的生活可以预期，所以他们进入 成年人世界时能够信赖别人。只是有时候他们会 太过信任，甚至被人占便宜。 在健康家庭长大的人还学会如何管理情 绪。与一个关心你、对你有兴趣的人谈谈，情绪 就可以得到疏解。他们发现痛苦的情感会随时间 而消逝，并且他们一次又一次地经历到这一点， 成为本能意识的一部分。所以他们每次都寻求与 别人谈话来消除情绪上的苦恼，让负面的情绪随 着时间消散而去，这就学会在难过的时候不是耐 心忍受，而是要想办法消解。 27 Finally, the last striking characteristic of the person from a healthy home is that they know how to give and receive comfort to an extent. They know how to hold a hand or pat a shoulder or put an arm around a person, and they know how to receive comfort. When someone comforts them, they do not become stiff and uncomfort- able. Yet they do sometimes lack patience with those who cannot get over problems quickly, and they have little patience with those who go around tied up in emo- tional problems. That is not how they experienced life. Performance Only Or Confused Family Background The person who grew up in a performance only or confused family has several challenges. Often they do not have a clear picture of who they are. Parents in a per- formance only family want their children to achieve, and to make the family look good. Therefore, the child’s worth and place in the home will be determined by how well they do. How well they do will be determined by the parent’s expectations and not by the child’s innate abilities. In that kind of atmosphere the young person may end up being a stranger to himself or herself. They are no strangers to the expectations of others but what they want and who they are may be something not considered. I spoke to a fine young woman who said her father greatly loved her. I then asked if when she was young or even now could she share what was on her heart with her father. Absolutely not, she said. I then asked how could her father love her if he was not aware of her heart. He loved the person he wanted her to be, I said, but he did not love who she actually was. She then told me she learned her lesson about sharing with her father from her sister. Her sister actually shared what was going inside of her, and the father threw her out of the home. Event- ually that sister died of a drug overdose and the father refused to go to his daughter’s funeral. After seeing that the young woman I was talking to said she learned her lesson and kept her heart a secret. That is an extreme ex- ample but it spells out the dynamics of the performance based home clearly. A number of times I have been told by a person from a family that strongly emphasized performance or a culture that emphasized performance that they have a sense of not really existing. They exist only for others. In a society in transition like China’s, a clash exists bet- ween the traditional performance based family and the expectations of the young people. One of the cultural challenges will be to balance those two dynamics in a healthy way. My personal belief is that a performance only family has an unconscious commitment to a lack of tran- sparency or a lack of honesty. Why is that? When 健康家庭的人还有最后一个突出的特点，就是他 们知道如何安慰别人及接受安慰，他们会拉起手 来或拍拍肩膀，或把手臂搭在人的肩上。别人安 慰他们时，他们 不会感到不自在或不知如何回 应。然而，他们有时候对那些不接受安慰的人会 不耐烦，他们看别人情绪迟迟不能得疏解就会放 弃而离开，因为不理解他们为何会与自己的经历 不同。 注重表现的家庭 从注重表现的家庭出来的人面对好几项人 生的挑战。他们通常不清楚自己人格到底怎样， 他们的父母希望子女成功，为的是家庭脸上有 光，因此孩子的价值和地位要取决于他们的表 现。而他们表现的评估要看父母的期望，而不是 看孩子的固有能力是否发挥。在这种环境里，孩 子变得只知道别人对自己的期望，而很可能对自 己的愿望和自己的人格从未考虑。 有一次我同一个很优秀的女孩子谈话，她 认为她的父亲非常爱她。我于是问她心里话是不 是会告诉父亲，她回答说那绝对不会。我问父亲 爱她怎么会不知道她的心事呢？他爱的一定是希 望女儿能够成为的那个人，而不是她实际这个 人。于是，她告诉我为什么她不和父亲讲心里 话，原来她的姐姐曾经因为讲心里话而被父亲赶 出家门。后来姐姐由于吸毒过量而死，这位父亲 竟拒绝去参加女儿的葬礼。这个女孩子看到父亲 对姐姐如此，就明白保持内心的秘密对于赢得父 亲的爱很重要。这是一个很极端的例子，但是清 楚说明了在过分注重表现的家庭里，彼此的互动 关系是怎样的。 我多次遇到从注重表现的家庭或注重表现 的文化里面出来的人，告诉我他们感到自己好像 只是为别人而存在，没有一个属于自我的意识。 在中国这样的处于文化变迁中的社会里，传统的 注重表现与年轻人个人的期望是有冲突的，所以 这文化所面对的挑战是以某种健康的方式来平衡 这两种愿望的能动力。 我本人认为，注重表现的家庭会在不知不 觉中缺乏开诚布公的特质。为什么呢？当期望比 孩子本人还重要时，孩子就无可避免地得到一个 信息，为了得到父母的关爱和肯定，表现比诚实 28 expectations and performance are made more important than the young person himself, the message is inescapable. In order to receive affection and positive attention, the child has to perform. If the performance is not there, at best affection will be withheld, at worse the child will be insulted or hit. The logical conclusion of the child is primitive and powerful: performance is and rule keeping is more important than truth. Typically, as a result, the child will withhold information that is negative, and in a very real sense the parents will become co-conspirators against themselves. At worse the child will start outright lying. The instinctive belief is that who I am and reality are not important: what is important is the rules and performance. To withhold the truth is love. As Alice, a wonderful Chinese-American young lady asked me in a class, ―What is wrong with telling the parents what they want to hear? Isn’t that loving?‖ To put it in another context, Alice works for an international computer com- pany. In that company, the result may be, withholding information and telling the boss what he or she wants to hear feels much more emotionally comfortable (on the instinctive level) than telling the truth. Another false belief comes into adult life from a performance based family background. The business person will intuitively believe that being effective is learning as much as possible and working as hard as possible. Believing that there are intrinsic strengths will feel very counter-intuitive. Knowledge and effort will be exalted over the joy of discovering what one can do well easily. Over and over again in classes in China, I will be asked to tell a person what they should do or what they should learn, when often as not what needs to happen is to learn some basic principles of reality and some positive values of life. Stressed or Very Unhappy Home The person who grew in a stressed out home will experience life in a much different way than if they grew up in the healthy home or a performance based home. Parents who argue continually, who are in addictions, who are angry or depressed create these unhappy homes. Long term stress is in the homes and often addictive behaviors are present. Addictive behaviors show up in homes that are in pain. Since the human heart hates pain, the mind will accept addiction instead of just tolerating the pain. The view the young person has of himself or herself will be formed by that stressful family experience. Such a view will either be negative or non- existent. At best they will have no instinctive picture of themselves at all and at worse it will be very negative. This will create problems in adult life. They will expect the worst of people, and the worst of events. When tension hits, they will revert to the mentality of the 还重要。想想看，与其得不到关爱甚至挨骂，不 告知某些实情岂不是好多了吗？小孩子的简单逻 辑是很强的一股动力，不去报告坏消息。在某种 意义上说，父母等于是鼓励孩子如此对待他们， 甚至等于鼓励孩子干脆撒谎。 他们本能的信念是：我本人和实际状况并 不重要，重要的是遵守一切规条，好好表现。不 讲实话是为爱心。有个美籍华人妇女们Alice问 我说，告诉父母他们想听的话有什么不对呢？那 不是爱心吗？还有，Alice在一家跨国电脑公司 工作，在那里，她完全可能向老板报喜不报忧， 因为她（下意识地）觉得让老板高兴比讲实话好 多了。 从注重表现家庭出来的人还会有另一个错 误信念。这位职业人士会不自觉地相信，知识学 得越多越好，工作越卖力越好，知识和努力比发 现自己能够轻易做好某类工作的喜乐更重要。我 在中国举办讲座，常常有学生来问，那么我应该 怎么做、应该学什么呢？可是一般来说，重要的 不是说什么事情应该发生，而是要了解一些关于 生活实际的一些原则，了解正面的人生价值是什 么。 运作不良的家庭 有的人从压力很大而不快乐的家庭出来， 他们的人生经历与健康家庭和注重表现家庭的人 非常不同。这些家庭的父母不停地吵架。沉溺瘾 癖、愤怒或忧郁的人组成这些家庭。家庭长期处 于压力之下，常有嗜瘾的行为伴随着，这是因为 家里的痛苦状况。人的心不喜欢痛苦，于是要寻 找乐趣，接受上瘾的方法来解脱痛苦。让心思接 受瘾癖，而只不是忍受痛苦。这样的家庭经历让 孩子形成的自我图画不是模模糊糊，就是相当地 负面。负面的自我看法会在成年生活里造成很多 问题，因所产生的期望都是按照自己环境里最坏 的可能性。每当压力到来时，这些负面的人生观 总是叫人回到童年时代的思想意识里，变得高度 警觉。最可叹的是，他们一般都没有注意到自己 变得有多敏感和警惕，不光警惕，还有怀疑，并 且有的时候这些警觉毫无道理。 29 growing up years. That is they will become hyper- vigilant. The sad reality is that they often do not notice how alert they have become. Along with that alertness comes suspicion, and sometimes it is not justified leading to difficulties. The stress within the home sometimes effects the most basic perceptions of ourselves. Some mothers, for example, who despise themselves sometimes pass on a hopelessly flawed picture of femininity to their daugh- ters. One of the realities that one runs into again and again in counseling is either indifference or animosity towards one’s own gender; this comes out of the truly stressed out home. A positive or negative reaction to one’s gender comes out of the family context. When a home is in pain and stress, defenses will arise. They have two purposes: to give pleasure and to keep out pain. A number of defenses exist, but the most common one is – relational isolation. A friend of mine grew up in a home of ten children. They were a large Catholic family. Both parents were verbally abusive alcoholics. The pain in the home was great. To defend themselves, the children withdrew from their parents and one another. When they became adults, the ten were virtual strangers to one another. Psychologi- cal problems were rampant. Several became homosex- uals and lesbians as adults. If friendships developed among the children, it was in the adult years. The defense of social isolation did two things: first, it decreased the pain and kept it away, and second, it gave some pleasure in that they found ways, many of them unhealthy, to preoccupy the mind in their isolation. They did not realize the deep loneliness present in this large family of twelve. Nor did they recognize what were the losses of positive worth. They lacked the opportunity to develop happiness skills and to discover the pleasures of affection. Nor did they receive the greatest gift of all, a positive picture of themselves and their respective genders given by their parents. Other defenses are used in the dysfunctional or stressed out home. The children learned to use evasion, and developed a façade. ―Practiced amiability‖ is one way to describe this. On the surface a friendly smile is present while underneath is nothing. Emotions are not being experienced because for years they have been repressed. Often this is very confusing for a person from a healthy family who marries someone from a stressed out family background. Initially the person with practiced amiability may seem quite charming. After the wedding when the healthy partner seeks intimacy, he or she is in for quite a surprise. The closer she or he attempts to get the more nervous the other becomes. 家庭里面的压力常常影响到一个人对自己 的最基本的看法。比如说，有些轻看自己的人作 了母亲后，把一幅烂得要命的女性观传给她们的 女儿。我们一次又一次地发现，那些来寻求咨询 辅导的人，不是对自己的性别持无所谓的看法， 就是极其讨厌自己的性别，这些实在都是来自一 个运作不良的家庭环境。 当家庭处于痛苦和压力中时，就要使用防 卫。各种的防卫方法有两个目的：提供乐趣和逃 避痛苦。最常见的一种防卫方法是人际关系的疏 离。 我有一位朋友，家里弟兄姐妹有十人，是 个很大的天主教家庭。他的父母都骂人很凶，酗 酒，家里面相当痛苦的。孩子们为了保护自己， 各都在父母面前退缩，彼此之间也疏离。成年以 后，十个人之间基本上是形同陌路，心理问题丛 生，其中有好几位是男女同性恋。如果说他们之 间有什么友谊的话，也都是成年以后的事情。 关系隔绝的防卫方法有两个作用：第一， 它减缓或让人忘记痛苦，第二，找些方法，许多 是不健康的方法，来占据头脑、提供乐趣。这十 个弟兄姐妹没有意识到在他们十二人的大家庭里 存在着多深的孤独感，也看不出自己已经损失的 宝贵价值感，他们的父母没有给他们一幅关乎自 己和自己性别的正面积极的图画。 在运作不良或不健康家庭里还有另外的防 卫方法。孩子们学会逃避别人和戴假面具，可以 描述为“故作友善”。在表面的友好微笑之下， 内心其实是没有什么感觉的。个人的情感压抑了 多年以后已经消失，不再感觉。 一般来说，一个来自健康家庭的人若是与 运作不良家庭的人结婚，他/她会感到困惑，因 为故作友善的人初看上去好有魅力，可是结婚后 健康的一方寻求亲密关系时相当惊讶地发现，她 /他越试图亲密，对方的反应就越紧张。 30 Let me illustrate the differences among the family groups this way. When members of these three different groups enter a room, they enter with different expectations. The person from the healthy home background expects people to like him or her. The person from the performance based family enters the room expecting that if they work at it, they can get the people to like them. The person from the really stressed out background is unconcerned about either. Entering the room, he or she will instinctively look for threats or something out of the ordinary that will have to be addressed. The chart on the following page describes and summarizes each of the three family backgrounds. With each background the most predictable feature of the family background that shows up in adult life is noted. The implications for business will follow. 让我来告诉你不同家庭背景的人有什么不 同吧。当前面讲的三种不同家庭背景的人进入一 个有许多陌生人的房间时，他们的期望是不同 的。健康家庭的人认为人家会喜欢他/她，而注 重表现家庭的人相信自己若是努力的话，人家就 会喜欢他/她。从运作不良家庭出来的人呢？他 们不关心别人会不会喜欢自己的问题。他们走进 这个房间时就会不自觉地警惕，若有任何可能的 威胁及不寻常的东西则必须要加以对付。 下一页描述 总结 初级经济法重点总结下载党员个人总结TXt高中句型全总结.doc高中句型全总结.doc理论力学知识点总结pdf 了这三种不同家庭背景的 情形。每一种背景都在人身上产生一些可预期的 特征，会在成人生活里反映出来，我先把这些列 出来，随后会指出这些特征如何反映在人的职业 生活里。 31 A Healthy Family 健康的家庭 A healthy family has a clear, positive identity, deep affection, and happiness skills. The parents have come to a healthy resolution concerning their family background. The adult from such a home will trust easily and often assume every one has had such a background. 健康的家庭有个清晰和积极的人生自我看法，彼此有深厚情感，具有快乐人际关系 的技巧。父母双方对他们的家庭背景带来的问题已经获得一个健康的解决之道。从 这样家庭出来的人容易信任别人，并常常假定每个人的家庭背景都大致如此。 A Performance-Only or Confused Family 注重表现的家庭 A performance based or confused family has evident affection, limited happiness skills, and unclear identities. The parents have not come to a healthy resolution concerning their family background. In adulthood the individual from such a home will feel most comfortable withholding negative information, and will struggle with intimacy. 注重表现的家庭显然有爱的表达，也有一定的快乐人际关系技巧，但是自我观并不 清晰。父母双方还没有对家庭背景带来的问题获得健康的解决之道。在此种家庭长 大的人习惯于报喜不报忧，对建立亲密关系会有所挣扎。 A Dysfunctional Family A dysfunctional family is unhappy, has long-term stress due to alcoholism or other addictions, and often has physical or emotional abuse or neglect in the home. The identities are non-existent at best or negative at worst. Children will use normal defenses to protect themselves from such an environment. If the stress continues over a long period of time, the child will carry these defenses unconsciously into adulthood, and the defenses will reappear when stress enters the life. 运作不良的家庭不快乐，长期受到酗酒或其它瘾癖所困扰，在家里常常有身体虐 待、情感虐待、或受到忽略。自我观很差或是不知道该怎样看自己。孩子们会使用 防卫机制来保护自己不受伤害。如果家里的压力是持续不断的，孩子就会不自觉地 把这些防卫方法带入成年生活，每当遇到压力这些防卫就再度出现。 32