An education beyond the classroom - excelling in the realm of horizontal academics

nullAn education beyond the classroom: excelling in the realm of horizontal academicsAn education beyond the classroom: excelling in the realm of horizontal academicsKaren F. Owen Senior Honors Thesis Duke University Submitted to the Department of Late-Night Entertainment in partial fulfillment of the requirements for a Degree in Tempestuous Frolicking (D.T.F) May, 2010BackgroundBackground Senior year and college in general often bring about certain situations that result in the seeking of so-called “sex.” Until now, no studies have succeeded in developing a methodology for quantifying and ranking these so-called horizontal academics. In this study, we used data from four years at Duke University to create evaluation criteria for such encounters and applied these criteria to the evaluated Subjects, hopefully allowing for future maximization of enjoyment of such procedures. Subject 1: Tony McDevittSubject 1: Tony McDevittnullI evaluated Tony on my 19th birthday, (9/23/08) – We met at Shooters through Ryan McFadyen and he bought me many, many beers. After the final song, he invited me back to his house to “hang out”. Needless to say, this was my first introduction into the glorious, alpha-male dominated world of Duke Lacrosse hookups. After some actual “hanging out” (during which I was asked which laxer I found the most attractive, to which I replied Bo Carrington, upon which I was informed of his lack of, um, largesse), it was back to his bedroom, which sported a lovely king sized bed. Memorable moments: standing outside of Shooters, surrounded by Tony and a few friends (Nick O’Hara, Mike Catalino, etc): “She’s so hot; guys, isn’t she so hot?” [nods and murmurs of assent] “Her breasts…they’re just exquisite. So exquisite”. Being asked to name the lacrosse player I thought was the hottest to a room of other lacrosse players, including the one I was about to hook up with. Actually replying honestly to the question. Pros: He is enormous. Like…I was actually rendered speechless. After a freshman year of frat star-sizing, I wasn’t really even sure what to do with the situation at hand (erm, mouth?). Additionally, he had just broken up with his girlfriend of three years and was a grad student, so experience was on his side. And he used it. Cons: He does not have all that exciting of a personality. It was over too quickly. I was probably a little awkward, and didn’t really know how to move or what to do. And it was a tad bit painful… Raw Score: 4/10 Subject 2: David GouletSubject 2: David GouletnullThis tennis star was assessed before junior year spring break in March of 2009. After many long looks exchanged between us on the path to and from Wilson Gymnasium, he finally approached at Shooters II and asked for a dance before suggesting that we exit the premises. It was on the cab ride back that I discovered he was rude, Canadian, and spoke mostly in French. Needless to say, the warning flags were waving furiously, yet, in the interest of my research and out of a perverse curiosity, I decided to continue towards his apartments. Memorable moments: None. He was terrible, did not even bother to kiss me more than a few seconds, and finished in about five minutes, after which he simply walked out of the room and did not return. Pros: He was at least a successful athlete, and was fairly lengthy; he had a good body. Cons: Absolutely everything else about him and the situation as a whole. Also, I accidentally left my favorite pair of earrings from South Africa. When I texted him this fact, he responded with “I will leave them outside of the building for you.” Raw Score: 1/10. Seriously. Subject 3: Ben GriszSubject 3: Ben GrisznullMy introduction to this Subject, baseball player uno, came on Halloween of 2009, after two months of acting like a mature, responsible adult. I blame it on the Freddy Kreuger claw, and by that I mean my increasing need to collect more data to complete my honors thesis. I chatted with the subject throughout the night, he bought me shots, and at closing song he grabbed my shoulders, pushed me against a wall and asked if I wanted to “get out of this place”. Finding myself overwhelmingly attracted to this athletic, intelligent sophomore, and suddenly anxious to stop being a mature person, I agreed and we went back to my place. Memorable moments: I could not walk the next day. Could. Not. Walk. In all the best ways, of course. Also, I sent my roommate the following sexile text: “don’t come backk brousght boy backk SEX!!!!!”. Whenever I went to the bathroom, I arrayed myself in a zebra-print snuggie. At one point, post-hookup, he was literally just running his hands up and down, all over me. When I asked, laughing, what he was doing, he replied, in a deep post-sex voice, “Shh…I’m just trying to explore this body…” Pros: Did I mention I could not walk the next day? He was very, very well equipped. And he knew how to use his hardware. And the aggression was unbelievable. Additionally, we had a lot of things in common, and the conversations preceding and following hookup sessions were extremely enjoyable Cons: He snored. I was completely unprepared for said encounter (as mentioned, I had actually made a serious, and successful, attempt to halt my data collection and behave in a manner more fitting of a responsible adult). As a result, I felt a little self conscious about my state of affairs, and enjoyed the experience a little less than I would have, had I been completely lacking inhibitions per usual. Raw Score: 8/10nullMy next encounter with said subject was the day before classes started in 2010. I walked into Shooters and immediately noticed his rather imposing presence at the bar. Ten minutes later, we were hailing a cab back to his dorm room and I enjoyed a walk of shame (and by shame I mean glory) past ambitiously academic students the next day. The next time, we saw each other at a Wednesday night Shooters and spoke a few times, but did not leave together, preferring to actually enjoy our night out for a change. After returning to our respective abodes, we texted a few times and then he called to ask me if I would like to “hang out”. Eager for some early-morning delight, I went to pick him up and we hooked up on my neighbor’s pull-out couch. I drove him back afterwards, as he had an early morning practice to attend. **The final time (May 5), I was in line at Shooters and he came walking (staggering?) out to use his phone. Needless to say, after several minutes of conversation I did not even bother paying my $5 entrance fee. At his suggestion that we “do it somewhere new” (and my immediate suggestion that such a place be the library), we made our way to a Perkins library stairwell (for additional research purposes, this event took place during finals week, when the library was flooded with studious creatures) and proceeded to hook up for approximately one hour, without getting caught. After, we went back to his dorm for rounds 2 and 3 (the Gardens was considered, but rejected due to the temperature outdoors). Memorable moments: Taking a breathalyzer with his roommate. Hooking up on the stairs of the packed library. High fiving him while giving him a blow job in the library, because “this is fucking awesome!”. “You can use me to fulfill your graduation requirements any fucking time”. Trying positions I had never heard of. Being unable to walk time and time again. The formation of the greatest quote of all time: “I fail to see how a tee shirt is going to ameliorate this blow job…”. The third time, he said that he might have trouble finishing, as he was “a little drunk”. I assured him that I would be able to help him escape such a potentially painful dilemma. After a little initial difficulty, DMX’s “Ruff Ryder Anthem” came on his iPhone as an alarm, and, fueled by its sheer glory, we got the job done by the end of the song. Amazing. Pros: Aside from his impressive size, amazing ability to keep it up, and incredible stamina, Subject 3 was extremely creative and always eager to engage in hookup sessions in new locations and positions, some of which were familiar to me and some of which seemed ingeniously innovative. Even apart from my research, I am similarly inclined, resulting in hookups that were extremely pleasurable and highly educational, daring and exciting, and never, ever boring. Cons: Did I mention the snoring? In fact, it was best realized when he and his roommate were both sleeping. The degree of synchronization was incredible. Raw Score: 9/10null**On the advice of a close friend, and my own sentiments, I feel that the fourth and final hookup with Subject 3 deserves a bit more attention. As she put it, “I mean fucking in the library IS your entire thesis!” The perfect combination of sex and academics, it represented the climactic culmination of my entire research project. As previously mentioned, we left Shooters before I even went inside of the bar—I was craving physical contact that evening, and wanted another specimen or two (or three) from this aggressive stud. We got in the cab and went back to West Campus; I should probably say that the cab driver got a money and a show. We got out and paid, and he turned to me with this look in his eyes and said “Let’ do this somewhere different this time…somewhere crazy.” I instantly thought of the library (keep in mind this was the middle of finals weeks at 1:00 AM), and so after a quick McDonalds run to help us sober up a bit, we headed that way (we were both stumbling a little, and I was wearing a low cut orange tank, a short skirt, and gold heels – clearly not my typical study outfit). We walked in and I asked where we should try this; he replied simply “I’m following you…you lead the way.” Emboldened by the few number of visible people on 1st floor Perkins, I suggested we take the elevator up to the fourth floor, and find some isolated stacks. On the brief journey up we hooked up very briefly; his hands were all over me and I considered pressing the emergency stop button and just going for it there. We got off in the middle of the most packed floor I had ever seen, so I immediately grabbed his hand and made for the nearest exit stairwell, avoiding the stares of millions of students, with both of us laughing at the sheer ridiculousness of it. I made for a stairwell I knew led to the staff’s work area, and thus one very unlikely to be used by students. It was empty; I led him down a few stairs, but we only made it one level before he grabbed my shoulders, pushed me hard against a wall on the landing, and started kissing me. We were both extremely turned on already, just from the anticipation of illicitly fucking in a crowded library, and both of our hands were in rapid-fire motion, all over each other. In other words, it wasn’t long before we had moved on to the R-rated activities. One of my favorite things about Subject 3 has always been the creativity and the variation in positions. Even here in the library stairwell, with my shirt pulled down, my skirt pushed up and the possibility of someone walking in on us an extremely real one, we managed to improvise and appraise different angles and poses. The stairs and railings allowed for positions we had never been able to try before. The lighting was harsh, giving us both the sense that we were starring in a cheap porno (indeed, it really was a miracle that nobody walked in on us), which quite frankly added to the eroticism of the entire sequence. Neither of us bothered to be particularly quiet or gentle (something which definitely resulted in a lot of bruises on me the next day); indeed, we let go of all our inhibitions and just enjoyed the fuck and each other’s bodies. The newness of the location made even the most basic acts such as blow jobs, for example, ten time hotter (or so he told me). After we were both exhausted, bruised, drenched, and satisfied, we reclothed and continued down the stairs to head back to his dorm room. On the way out, we walked past Joe Tkac (lacrosse), who took one look at me, said “Oh heyyy, Karen…what are you up to tonight?” and died laughing (both of us looked like we had just clearly engaged in ‘extracurricular’ activities) and several other people we knew, a source of great amusement for myself and the Subject. The entire walk back to his dorm was the foreplay for our next hookup (he may or may not have had my panties in his pocket). His hands were all over me, and we kept having to stop in little corners or staircases because we both wanted each other so badly we almost couldn’t wait. The absurd steamy passion of the last hookup, combined with the anticipation for the next made that the most erotic walk of my life. Literally the second we entered his room and shut the door our clothes were off and my clothes were torn off and, as popular culture puts it, he morphed into Mr. Flintstone and made that Bedrock. Memorable Moments: I mean, we fucked in a fucking Duke University library during fucking finals week. Pros: Everything. Ev-er-y-thing. Cons: None. Raw Score: 10/10Subject 4: Jeremy GouldSubject 4: Jeremy GouldnullMy second introduction to the baseball team came towards the end of junior year, on a night during which my research, in the interest of scientific accuracy, should probably have been halted. In other words, I was but a shot away from what is referred to as a ‘black-out’ state. Apparently, Subject 4 and I spoke by the bar and he suggested I go watch porn with him on his large screen television at the Belmont. Also apparently, this suggestion functioned as a grade-A pick-up line for me. Memorable moments: Actually watching porn, along with Mike Seander and several other people whose names and faces I do not recall. Jeremy stressing the important of the clitoris, asking me “So, Karen, how long does it take you to cum?”, and pointing out to the room that I had “quite the nice rack, huh guys?” Pros: Gould is quite an amusing character, as I would find out my senior year in much greater detail. He was also at least somewhat aggressive and what I remember was pretty fun. Cons: He really is not very big, and is unfortunately not a grower. Also, he had severe initial difficulties in keeping it up, resulting in my being exhausted earlier than is typical in such phases of my research Raw Score: 4/10 Subject 5: Stephen CoyleSubject 5: Stephen CoylenullMuch like my assessment of Subject 4, in the name of solid scientific research, my process of data collection should have been halted during my time spent with Subject 5, as I completely blacked out for the first and last time of my academic career. The last thing I am able to recall was standing on the curb outside of Shooters, frantically calling everyone I knew, but to no avail—I was completely alone. I remember hearing a voice telling me to get into a waiting cab, and I blindly obeyed. I woke up the next day with absolutely no idea as to where I might be. A quick appraisal of my surroundings told me that I was at least on Central Campus (aka not in the bed of a local Durhamite). I slowly turned my face towards the still figure prone beside me, dreading what I might see…and almost burst out laughing with relief and amusement. Although I was lying next to someone whom I had never found particularly attractive, I had somehow, in my black out state, still managed to crawl into bed with a Duke athlete. Furthermore, judging from our unclothed condition it was fairly obvious that we had done more than merely pass out. Memorable moments: From the actual hookup, none. However, after he woke up shortly after me, I actually stayed, chatted, and watched SportsCenter for almost an hour before walking back to my apartment. I actually amazed myself with how chill and relaxed I managed to be, despite having no recollection of going home with or hooking up with this man. Pros: I have no idea. However, judging from certain strategically positioned bruises which I later discovered in the shower, he was fairly aggressive. And, according to the degree of elevation of the blankets covering his morning happiness, he was also quite sizeable. Score. Cons: Not actually remembering the data collection process. Raw Score: 3/10Subject 6: Alex HassanSubject 6: Alex HassannullThis Subject, baseball number three, was evaluated in late November of 2009. Now, I will preface any dialogue by mentioning that I had first noticed said Subject during my freshman year, and had quickly learned his name and sport. He stood at six feet four inches and possessing a beautiful body and incredible confidence—how could I not notice such a fine specimen of manhood? However, my chances at collecting his data seemed doomed when he was drafted by the Boston Red Sox and exited the university after his junior year. So, you can imagine my delight when he visited Duke and struck up a rather flirtatious conversation at Shooters. Adding a measure of class to my research, we ended up hooking up on Subject 4’s couch. Memorable moments: This directly quoted dirty talk: “Mmm tell me about how much you like big, black cocks.” “But, I’ve never even hooked up with a black man!” “Oh… well, just pretend like you have”. “Umm ok…I like big, black...cocks?” “God, that’s sooo fucking sexy.” Also, we hooked up on Subject 4’s couch. 4 lay sleeping ten feet away in his bedroom. Pros: His body was, in fact, even more beautiful than I could have possibly imagined. His take on dirty talk was intensely amusing. Cons: Have you ever opened up a beautifully wrapped present on Christmas morning? Did you carefully peel back the layers of tissue paper and eagerly shake out its contents, excited beyond belief with the anticipation of seeing your dream gift? And then did you ever feel your smile plummet to the floor, and had to force every fiber of your being to appear excited as you thanked your grandpa for the single practical pair of coarse, grey wool socks now lying in your lap? If so, you might be able to appreciate and comprehend my emotions as I seductively eased down his striped boxers to unveil . . . Wait . . . Was that his dick? No, it couldn’t possibly be . . . But yes. Yes it was. That gorgeous, perfect body of his was supporting a penile structure so disproportionately small that I had to take several deep breaths and force a smile before commencing the hookup session, lying every few minutes (when asked) about how he was “the biggest I had ever seen”. Also he came pretty damn quickly. Raw Score: 3/10Subject 7: Jake LemmermanSubject 7: Jake LemmermannullMy first encounter with this Subject, an individual who was to become among my favorite people at Duke (and a source of endless entertainment) came in late January, soon after I had decided to stop being a real person. It happened on a glorious Shooters night (a night that at the time was absurd, but would soon fade into the ‘normal night’ category). Ali and I had held one of our infamous, exclusive pregames, and then headed to Shooters. Our night started with a wonderful sing-a-long with Joe Pak and some soccer players, and also featured an epic rap battle between Christia Ibeagha and me, on the Shooters d-floor to Lil’ Wayne’s ‘Drop the World’. Ali and whipped out blowpops towards the end of the night, and were approached by Seander, Gould, and an individual I did not know, but immediately recognized as good looking. At some point, he stole my lollipop and put it in his own mouth, shooting me a wink in the process. We abandoned the baseball players and left with some Delta Sigs to go back to their section in Edens. There, I discussed HotNewHipHop.com with a soccer player, we took shots of Puerto Rican Rum, Ali flirted with a man with a child, and we posed with D-Sigs and Rockstar, because “we need pictures with us, hot girls, and Rockstar.” Seander had been calling all night, but Ali, being Ali, had not picked up. Finally, bored with the